Dealing with loss

[Mikeus Caesar]

FactionHeir - his death meant nothing though. His death was an idiotic spur of the moment thing that completely mine and other peoples lives. I can't make it mean anything because i only have a few, very cherished, old pictures of him.

TuffStuff - i appreciate what you're saying, but i don't do religion. Yes, i believe in God, but i don't follow any religion. I worship him in my own way, and don't believe he gets angry because i accidentally got my friend to kill himself. He just gives us guilt as a way of learning, and helping us make our own decisions about our actions. Yay free will. You're right though about not knowing how you'd feel if you influenced your friends actions. It's awful, and you don't ever want to know how it feels.

Adrian - it's not that i'm punishing myself, it's just that no matter how hard i try, no matter how much i force myself, i can't bring myself to cope with. Our lives were so intertwined that it's like a piece of me died with him. And when you go through something as major as that, you end up feeling like you're dead to the world. You're completely alone.

[Mikeus Caesar]

I have no edit button, so i'll fix this here.

[quote]his death meant nothing though. His death was an idiotic spur of the moment thing that *completely ruined mine* and other peoples lives. I can't make it mean anything because i only have a few, very cherished, old pictures of him.

[FactionHeir]

Oh, I wasn't quite sure whether your paragraph 2 and 6 were the same person or not. I assumed they were different...

In that case, don't blame yourself. Think about why it ruined your life and why you feel so down about it (besides that you think its your fault). Then you can tackle the issue.

[Mikeus Caesar]

Oh, I wasn't quite sure whether your paragraph 2 and 6 were the same person or not. I assumed they were different...

In that case, don't blame yourself. Think about why it ruined your life and why you feel so down about it (besides that you think its your fault). Then you can tackle the issue.

I can deal with it being my fault, it's the fact that as i explained earlier, it's like a part of me has been lost. We were just beginning to plan our summer and then bam, out of the blue this happened. His death was like taking out the vital piece in a jenga tower. Everything fell to bits. All those plans, all those memories. All lost, like tears in the rain.

[FactionHeir]

Right, but that was last summer. Why does it start bothering you again now, almost a year along?

[Mikeus Caesar]

Right, but that was last summer. Why does it start bothering you again now, almost a year along?

Because i realise that since he has gone, i have done nothing, my left has meant nothing. When he was around, every day was different, every day was fun.

Now everyday is empty, devoid of hilarity, stupidity.

Those 20 steps from the funeral, they were the end of an era. The end of a lifestyle.

[rotorgun]

First of all Mikeus, let me say that there are no words I can offer which can possibly lesson the anguish that you have been feeling. I can only say that I understand it very well as I am too dealing with this very issue. I just buried one of my best friends last week who took his life. The suddenness of his act hit so hard on me that I actually almost fell down when I heard the news-literally going weak at my knees. I couldn't believe what had happened, and then remembered a conversation I had had with him some years before about the act of suicide. We both agreed that if one was so ill with a terminal illness that they felt that it would be intolerable to go on, than that would be the only reason to justify such an act. Of course I was immediately overcome with a feeling of guilt. Had my words of agreement helped my friend to make up his mind? If so, they were daggers to my soul.

The only thing that I can cling to that helps me get through, and getting through is all that I can hope for, as there is no getting over this, is the fact that we all live alone within ourselves. My friend Nick made his own choice, and I must respect that choice even though it hurt his family and friends deeply. We all feel cheated that he didn't allow us to help him, but it was still his free choice. We are all incapable of making a judgment on each other when it comes to such things. The best we can hope for is forgiveness. Forgive your friend his selfish act and thereby forgive yourself. It's the best way that you can honor him. I find that talking to my friend when I am alone and I'm thinking of him is very healing. I know that sounds strange, but it works for me.

I would also like to encourage you to consider looking to God. I know you say that you don't do the religion thing, but that's not what I'm talking about. God is within us all friend. He is meek and lowly and wants to commune with you. You have only to open the locked door of your mind to hear his voice within you. Meditate upon this and you'll know that truth.

I am praying for you, and hope that I have given you some small comfort. Remember that we are your friends here at the Org.

[Adrian II]

Remember that we are your friends here at the Org.

Yeah, and remember that we take long vacations and have bad connections that may break down any moment. Just when you need us most we may be gone fishing, praying in church, playing football, walking the dog or breaking into that big house down the block to steal the antique silverware.
In other words, we're here, but we're not there to help you when it is most needed. Look for 'real life' people to help you, if that is what you want.

All I can say is that you seem to have come a long way. You have come to realise that your friend's act was not only desperate, but also spiteful and unwarranted. And you have realised that it's not guilt that's eating you, its the loss of something unique and valuable. If that is how far you've got in a year's time, and mostly without outside help by the sound of it, I think that shows remarkable character. You have it in you to move on. Please do so.