Drink and melancholia are not the answer. Were it so, Ireland would now rule the planet.

Also, if you're going through a long stretch of gray days, this may be affecting your mood. Skip the liquor for a bit and try a tanning booth before the hike -- photosensitivity/mood connection is not a joke.

Earlier comments about time are apt. Time heals nothing, but over time you learn to cope with your sense of loss more effectively. I sell life insurance for a living, and I therefore get to meet more grieving widows/parents than most on an ongoing basis. Grieving after an unexpected death is not a 6-month and move on recovery -- you'll be feeling badly about it for 2 years or so (and will never forget it entirely). This is NORMAL and given your love for your pal APPROPRIATE as well. Don't try to shortchange your grieving -- you need to let it happen.

Of COURSE you are feeling survivor's guilt and you haven't come to terms with it as yet -- who could have in your place? Intellectually you're aware that nothing you could have done/said would have "driven" your friend to take his own life. Some other set of issues/problems/events led him to his decision -- he sought this way "out" of his own volition and as a means to end his problems. As a friend, you would not -- virtually COULD not -- have been the source of those problems. Nor were you trained, equipped, and in place to act as a therapist for him. You did NOT miss the call.

So it's perfectly all right to feel bad about this, and to feel bad about this for a long time -- your own emotions over this loss are, ultimately, the best way you can honor him.

I too would advise prayer -- even if you are not churched. Remember, prayer is not always that of a penitent gazing with worshipful eyes. Anger, questions, vented frustrations -- all this can be prayer as well. Prayer is you focusing on becoming closer with the almighty.

God Bless and keep you.