Camp of the Army of the Megas Logothetes in Anatolia, 1105

Megas Logothetes Markianos Ampelas sat alone in his tent. The most prominent thing in the tent was a large desk and several chairs. Even on the road, the Office of Megas Logothetes required lots of paperwork. Appropriately, there was much paper on the desk. In fact, the only thing besides paper was a large pitcher now half-filled with wine, and a cup also half-filled with wine. That is to say, the cup was empty. Well, now he refilled it. The cup was most certainly full of wine.

"Interesting," Markianos thought out loud, as he took a sip from the cup, his attention still on a piece of paper, "it seems the Turks have attacked Trebizond, and old Pavlo has attacked them."

"Interesting," he said with a slight expression of annoyance, "but tricky."

"We certainly have our casus belli. Trebizond was our loyal city. Well, it was our city, in any case. There was a tad of a disagreement, but they were still under our protection. The problem is, if we start making a big fuss about this, the Sultan might back down, given how powerful we have become. He might wish to appease us, and then the war would look like our aggression."

"So the trick is," he scanned the tent as if to prepare to say something nefarious, "how do we get the Sultan into a war he will not try to leave?"

Markianos chuckled an evil chuckle, insofar as sounds can be ascribed a good or evil morality. "Ah, but that is a puzzle that has a simple answer. All one has to do is compose one's complaint appropriately."

He took a blank piece of paper, and began to write a letter:

Sultan Meliksah of the so-called Sultanate of "Rum", Thief of the good Roman name, more properly called the Sultan of Seljuk prostitutes, debauchers, fornicators, heretics, pederasts, zoophiles, and necrophiles, and the Sultan of the Sultanate of small aggregations of huts filled with equine feces, and the follower of the False Prophet Muhammad, whose teachings are a plague upon this world:

I, Makrianos Ampelas, Megas Logothetes of the Roman Empire, bid you, the offspring of a horse and an ass, though much less useful than your average mule, fair greetings. I wish to outline the grievances of the good Roman people against you:

1. You continue to defile God's Earth by your pestilent and irritating existence upon it.

2. Your followers, described above, do the very same.

3. You have, with no provocation, attacked our city of Trebizond. You may try to claim that the city was in revolt, and even claim that they invited your protection, but both of these are false. Trebizond was still our city. We were having some differences, but the man we sent for peaceful negotiation with the city leaders personally witnessed your violent attack.

4. You spread the heretical teachings of your False Prophet, whose lunatic delusions you have taken for a religion, among the good, God-loving Greeks of Anatolia.

We have entertained the false pretense of peace for long enough. It is the sacred duty of the Roman people to drive you back to the barren steppes from which you came. There you may worship any devil, and engage in any acts you wish with your comrades, family, and horses, but our Anatolia you may not sully any further.

The Roman Senate, reinstituted by the great Basileus Alexios Komnenos, has authorized a declaration of war against you in the session of 1095. I am prepared to make that declaration, but in the interest of civilized diplomatic negotiation, I will offer an ultimatum. In light of the serious grievances listed above, I believe these demands are most reasonable:

1. You will immediately hand over Trebizond, Iconium, Caesarea, and Adana to the Roman Empire.

2. You will immediately abandon Armenia, which will be put under the traditional protection of the Roman Empire.

3. You will pay 60,000 florins in reparations for occupying our lands.

4. You will immediately convert to Christianity.

You have exactly two weeks to respond favorably to these most reasonable demands. Failure to do so will result in war. Do not expect a second letter, if you fail to comply, the next thing you will see will be our armies.

Markianos Ampelas, Megas Logothetes of the Roman Empire
Μαρκιανος Αμπελας
The evil chuckle had grown to an evil laugh as he read over the letter he composed. He helped himself to more wine, sealed the letter, and called in one of his assistants.

He handed him the letter, saying, "This to be delivered to the Turkish Sultan in Iconium. Tell the messenger not to wait for a response. In fact, recommend to the messenger to leave with all the haste as soon as he delivers the letter."

The assistant left and Markianos raised his cup.

"To..." he paused, "new conquests."

Reasonably satisfied with the toast he thought of, he drank the wine.

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 
Fun OOC note: the Turks sent a diplomat on the 1104-1105 transition who proposed a ceasefire. I already planned to insult the Sultan as above, so I made them a counter-offer they... could refuse. In fact, they would be guaranteed to refuse and be mad about...