1081:
A desk and chair had been moved into the Grandmaster's spartan quarters. Simple and made of wood, there was a candle and a pen on top of the desk. By all accounts, today would have been considered a good day. The politics were going about as well as could be expected. Deals were being made for the benefit of all involved. Things were moving forward. But today was not a good day.
Makedonios sat hunched over a desk trying to scribble something down on a piece of paper. Ever since he had met Anna, he couldn't get her out of his mind. She consumed his thoughts. She floated into his mind like a beautiful apparition and smiled at him with that glowing smile of hers. He had not had a good nights sleep since they met.
They had communicated since but it was... very basic. No emotion, no heart. Makedonios had poured over her letters as if to soak every last drop of emotion out of them. But there was none there. The exercise left him feeling empty. There was no solace and no closure to be found there. He needed to tell her how he felt. But how?
He was under no illusions. He knew her father would never let them marry. And he knew she only saw him as a useful confidante. And he knew his faith and commitment to the Lord would never allow anything to progress any further. But he still felt how he felt. There was no denying it. He was starting to develop feelings for her. And not the kind of infatuation all the nobles felt. No, he actually liked the person he was getting to know. He liked her for the little things. The imperfections that defined her character. The times she allowed a little weakness to show.
For when she allowed weakness to show, it proved that she was not too proud to admit she was not perfect. She was very... humble for a Princess. And intelligent. Far more intelligent than the Comes. But unlike many men, Makedonios did not mind that. He knew he was smart enough to get the job done and that was good enough for him. Her intelligence did not threaten him. He hoped she knew that. Makedonios had already gotten a good read on many men in the Senate and he could tell that many of those men could not handle being with a woman smarter than they.
All night, Makedonios tried to scribble on the piece of paper with his hands shaking. Little rolled up balls of paper littered the floor. He didn't know how to put his feelings down on paper. He glanced at a small Orthodox cross on the wall from time to time. First praying for forgiveness for his impure thoughts. Then for strength. Now he prayed for guidance. Nothing came to mind.
Giving up, the Grandmaster got up and snuffed out the candle. Putting his robe over his clothes, he left the room, and quietly padded through the Order's chambers in the Senate building. He just needed to get some air. It was an unusually hot night but there was a breeze. Strolling down the path along the Magnaura, he saw the palace. He wondered which window was hers.
Standing there thinking, he realized that if he wrote to her tonight, he'd just be putting his own problems on her. Sure he was conflicted and confused. But why did he think earlier that she could possibly help him with that? He did put some of his work problems on her but she had asked to help. But this was different. This would be putting his emotional problems on her. He still didn't know what to do. But he knew he would somehow just have to work through it. And it would do neither of them any good to have him dump his emotional baggage on her.
Saying a prayer for her, Makedonios walked back into the Senate building to go to bed.
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