Stories Thread

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The following speeches are being given in public places in Constantinople to anyone who will listen. Written copies are being distributed throughout the Empire.

Against Makedonios Ksanthopoulos

So we hear the Order of St. John has suffered an inglorious defeat at the hands of our Saracen enemies. But did any reasonable man expect otherwise? To this day all they have accomplished was to take a few ill-defended settlements, and to complain incessantly about their situation. That Makedonios Ksanthopoulos has complained and complained about not getting his armies to defend the frontier, but why would the Ceasar have given him a good army, if it has now been proven that he and his followers are incompetent military commanders? If they had any troops of any quality at all, they would have only been sent to a pointless slaughter. It is clear to see.

It is clear to see to us now, but the mighty Caesar has always seen it, for there is no man so well versed in the strategy of war. Surely, he is the offspring of Julius Caesar and Megas Alexandros, if one of them were a woman... probably Alexandros. For it is as we speak that he campaigns in the enemy's heartland while the Turk is distracted in his Jihading through Pontus and toward Constantinople. He marches on the enemy cities, the forests themselves part in front of him, the ground flattens and bows to him, the furry forest creatures sing him hymns of praise! Unlike the most useless Ksanthopoulos, the blessed Caesar Ioannis, may his name never be taken in vain, attacks and has captured the mighty fortress of Tibilsi, the stronghold of the hated Georgians! Caesar's followers now attack the pan-glorious city of Yerevan, seat of the damnable Armenian scum, our greatest enemies! Its streets are paved with gold, its buildings made of marble, and it rains sapphires the size of Caesar's manhood!

Thus, when the pan-glorious city of Yerevan is sacked, it will be a great boon to the faltering treasury, and all part of Caesar's masterful plan. Did ye of little faith really think the Caesar would run the treasury into the ground without having conceived a perfect and exceedingly masterful plan? And what has Ksanthopoulos done? He sits in Antioch, allows the Jihadist armies to pass, and sends his followers and their rag-tag army to get defeated while only destroying some fraction of the enemy army, the remains of which still march on Constantinople. He has done almost nothing to protect the city or the Empire. His army was destroyed, and he will only use that as an excuse to complain for more reinforcements, while the tatters of the Jihad still march on our Constantinople!

Put your faith in Caesar! Put your faith in Caesar! Listen not to the mindless complaining of Ksanthopoulos. The Caesar will bring prosperity to the Empire, like which has not been seen since the days of Emperor Heraclius, defeater of the Persians. Not a single war with the Persians did we have since, and exactly so it will be that the Turks will be defeated by Ioannis when he is Emperor!

Demosthenes, Friend of the Roman People.

***

Against Alexios ek Ikonou

Grave, grave, grave times are these. Grave they are when the Peloponnese has to be defended by such men as Alexios ek Ikonou and Savvas ek Militou. Men who are such cowards that they have been in no major battle. Not even when the entire world revolted, no where near glorious battle did they find themselves. Ek Ikonou has spent his life in Corinth, and ek Militou's crowning achievement is that he watched the Germans as they harmlessly passed by.

But the Caesar's generosity knows no bounds! When he walks on the streets, he gives jewels off his crown to homeless bums, and gives them the clothes off his back, and the food from his mouth! So it was in his boundless generosity that he has allowed the Egyptian fleet, so small it was that it sank by attack of two German ships, to pass by unimpeded by the mighty Imperial fleet, and to land its troops on the Peloponnese. Yes, great act of generosity it was, for it was to give these useless persons in the Tagmatan house an opportunity to win glory in battle!

But he did not give them an army, no! How dare you suggest that the Caesar would be so foolish, when, in fact, he is a wiser wiseman than most other wisemen. Even two of the three wisemen, in that if he lived in those times, he also would have also given gold to Jesus, if any was left in the treasury, for gold can be used to purchase other things. So it was in his great wisdom that he saw that these incompetent men would not know what to do with an army. The Caesar sees it all. Some say he can see if a cow's udder is full of milk from half a mile away. But he is not just a seer, he is a doer. He wouldn't just look at that cow, he'd milk it, if it needed milking. He'd milk it 'till no more milk came from its teats, but was all in some sort of a bucket. Then he'd drink the milk, 'cause he never leaves a job half-finished!

Anyway, as it was, the Caesar saw that these men would be incompetent in command, so he left them without a proper army and only to do with what garrisons there are. Meanwhile, he has used what money there is to fortify mighty Dardanellia, so that the Jihads marching on Constantinople don't change their minds! Certainly, the scarce gold of the treasury would have been a waste on the likes of ek Ikonou and ek Militou. The Caesar has seen this, for he does see all, and he is a great administrator, peer of Caesar Augustus himself! Not just peer, he excels him too! In those times, they would have called him Caesar Super-Augustus Magnus Maximus!

So, hail Caesar! Hail him all day! Hail him all night! Hail him 'till you have exhailed yourselves! Hail him 'till the cows come home! And when they do, they will have already been milked! No cow remains unmilked when Caesar Ioannis, blessed be he by all the Saints, is around! Hail him, damn you!

Demosthenes, Friend of the Roman People.