Depression

[pevergreen]

Sorry if this should be in the frontroom, I just wasn't comfortable with posting this there.

I am not good at long things, so I shall be brief, as I always am.

My girlfriend's parents split up a few months ago, her dad only just moved out 2 weeks ago. That weekend, she had a panic attack. She had her mother and another lady on top of her, but she was convulsing them off. That passed, she was ok the next day. I spent the week worrying. This last weekend, she went down to the coast to get away from the stress and just sleep. Early the saturday morning she tried to overdose on her anti-depression drugs to kill herself. I found this out yesterday. She was calm telling me about it. She had spent the entire morning at the hospital to be checked out. She has worked out a plan to basically stop her last year of school (with only 3 months until we finish) and taking a year off, then not going to university.

Problem is, I'm very worried she will try again, and even if she doesnt, she is depressed and she might stay like that for a while.

My question is however, what should I do to try and get her happy again?


I did not intend this to be a discussion about me, but what people can do to get their friends out of depression.

pever.

[BigTex]

There's very little you can really do. Be around her as much as you can, and talk/text often. But beyond that it's really her choice. Get her out doing things with you, staying locked away in a room or alone somewhere is bad.

Would add some more but short on time.

Sex, more of it, swear it helps. Get her to a gym also, if she's to tired from exercise she can't do much else.

[pevergreen]

Sex, more of it, swear it helps. Get her to a gym also, if she's to tired from exercise she can't do much else.

I thought that would be something to take her mind off it, but she hasnt even wanted to be very close to me. She has been feeling a bit sick every time i was with her though.

[BigTex]

I thought that would be something to take her mind off it, but she hasnt even wanted to be very close to me. She has been feeling a bit sick every time i was with her though.

Generally with depression comes lack of libido and teh desire to be alone. Basicly everything that could pull you out you don't want. Tricky stuff, hope/pray for the best, hope that it doesnt end up tearing you two apart.

[pevergreen]

Thanks BigTex. It shouldnt, she alternates between not really wanting me there and needing me there.

[CBR]

Hm how long has she been on anti-depression drugs? Is she seeing a doctor regularly?


CBR

[pevergreen]

She went to a public hospital yesterday, seeing a specialist in a week or two.

The drugs for a few days. I think no more than 4.

[Gaius Scribonius Curio]

Speaking from personal experiance there isn't a lot you can do.

A number of people I know have told me on a number of occasions that they believed (and in some cases still believe) that I was (/am) depressed. This is all conjecture as nobody forced to go see a doctor and as yet I haven't.

Back to your question. Whenever I was feeling down I basically didn't want to talk to anybody about anything, particluraly anything to do with me. I would be quite irritable and would be evasive and try to discourage any conversation. However that was just me and might be down to my particular personality.

If she tried to overdose then you should definitely very concerned. I'd echo CBR's questions about how long she has been on her medication and whether she has been seeing a doctor. Also have the pills had any effect at all (sometimes they really don't).

Edit: Her pills probably won't have had much of an effect if she has only been on them for 4 days. Did they stopped her program in light of her using them in this way?

With regards to her dropping out of school, if she thinks that it will make her happy/ she plans on doing something that would make her happy then she should go for it. Again my 'personal' experiance is that a drastic switch can make you feel a lot better (although I still have issues...) but this would be a personal thing for her to decide with no outside pressure.

This is mostly opinion and conjecture so, pretty much nothing I've said is that valid, having said that I hope it helps and I hope your girlfriend recovers soon.

[pevergreen]

My parents believed that I was depressed. If I wasnt so afraid of pain, I would have done what she did, a few years ago.

So far i do think BigTex's advice is what I shall do, but I would like others ideas/experiences.

Thanks guys.

[CBR]

Ok so she got the drugs after the panic attack. If they work it will take several weeks before they will have an effect. Be there for her and don't let her negativity get to you.

But what is a post without a link http://www.helpguide.org/mental/livi...sed_person.htm


CBR

[pevergreen]

To make matters worse, the sexual side effects of depression, and the antidepressant medications used to treat it, can further erode intimacy.

That seems to contradict to me, unless it meant that both parts of the sentance lean towards to moving away from it.

[Redleg]

Hmm where to go with this - my wife is a rapid cycle bi-polar, which equates to some pretty serious medications to help control the manic/depression cycles to prevent them from becoming to extreme.

First off, if she is just depressed because of a triggered event, there is hope that counselling alone will get her through the episode. That along with short period meds to help her cope with her anxity.

Now if you live together the best thing is to be supportive of her feelings, about the issues, provide her a solid base of emotion for her roller coaster emotions from the depression. Be consistent in what you tell her concerning the depression, and be supportive.

Other then that - don't take the suicide attempt lightly. It was a call for help because she is overwhelmed with the situation.

There are some excellent books and even internet support sites for bi-polar and severe depression, they will provide better advice then what I could for you.

[pevergreen]

I dont live with her, but I plan to see her more.

She said she would tell me before trying it again, if it got to that. That combined with her just coming out and telling me, with no questions, makes me think that she will not dip to that idea again.

[Papewaio]

Imagine yourself at your happiest (not pleasured, happiest).

In your daily life you are fit, have had plenty of sleep, are exercising regularly. You feel that what you do is important, that you contribute to your life, family and society. You move through each day with a purpose. You don't run or strut you glide and glow so brightly that you seem to be smiling even when you aren't. You have so many options and things to do and at the same time you know which needs to be done first, and then second and then third... You are a dynamo of happiness and motivation.

Now turn that upside down and inside out and you have depression. Depressed you can't see any options, there is no way out, it is black and you are at the bottom of a well in which you can't see any way out. You are so scared that nothing can get better that nothing must be better then here and now. You fear the blankness so much that eternal death looks a much rosier option. No known options in life remain, but there is the unknown option of death.

The irony is when you are depressed or better when you feel yourself on that very real slippery slope. It is just then when have have lost all motivation that you need to grab on and get motivated. To find that light, to change your life, to take back control and to see the big picture.

Everyone has a different way of sparking those epiphany moments. While depressed one forgets that you can change your own environment. It is at this time that changing the locale can be most important. Mine is hiking in the wilderness, or swimming deep in the ocean, or seeing those sunsets. Nature is generally a good way to make someone feel connected to the greater world. That's half the problem about depression is that you feel you have lost all worthwhile connections with the world, the other half is being so blinkered to realise that you can actually rebuild these connections. The other way is to show people in worse misery who need help. Go to town, take your girlfriend, watch a light hearted movie, tip every homeless person you see, walk an old lady across the road. Go and make other peoples day. Smile (double points for old people, half for Hare Krishna).

Be there for her, but don't place the responsibility for her happiness on your shoulders. Just show her the path and hopefully she can follow your lead.

Most important follow the advice of medical professionals.

[Andres]

As cliché as it may sound: be there for her. Take her out, make sure she goes somewhere on a regular basis.

Sports will do her good. Building up your stamina and your physical condition usually gives a boost to your self-confidence. Do fun things, that'll make her realise that life isn't that bad.

Listen to her and talk with her, but the subject shouldn't always be her problems. If she keeps going on about her problems for let's say an hour, try to change the subject to something different, preferably something funny.

Be careful that she doesn't drag you down. You have to show her that you enjoy life, that you are full of energy and that you care for her, alot.

You'll also have to find ways to motivate her to go out. Sitting at home or being lonely day after day is the worst she can do, so if she refuses to go out, don't hesitate to insist (no forcing her, just a gentle pushing).

Does she have other friends who know about her situation? Maybe you can ask them to help as well by taking her out, doing some fun stuff with her? No need to tell her about that, because some people tend to get more depressed if they feel that the outside world seems to confirm that they are indeed depressed.

If she has plenty of friends, maybe you can try organising some sort of (birthday?) party for her?

And be patient. Depressions can last for months, so be prepared to face this situation for a long while. The medication will help, but she'll need more then just some pills to recover from this disease.

Do you know her parents very well? Are they aware of what happened? Maybe you should try talking to them as well (never underestimate the power of good mother or father). If you're not sure that her parents are able to help her (they are divorcing and thus going through a difficult time themselves), then don't talk to the parents or do it discretely, i.e. without telling your friend, to avoid disappointments (e.g. you talk to the parents, but they don't seem to do get the message).

Give her something special every once in a while. Can be as simple as a postcard saying 'I love you' or some flowers.

Good luck, pever. Unfortunately, there's no passe-partout solution for this.

Be sure to talk about this with people in RL as well, like your own parents/best friend(s)/teacher(s).

[pevergreen]

Does she have other friends who know about her situation?

I mentioned it in part to her closest friend, who then asked her about it and the answer she got was nothing apart from she would be missing a few days of school.

If she has plenty of friends, maybe you can try organising some sort of (birthday?) party for her?

Her 18th in 2 months and 3 days.

Do you know her parents very well? Are they aware of what happened? Maybe you should try talking to them as well (never underestimate the power of good mother or father). If you're not sure that her parents are able to help her (they are divorcing and thus going through a difficult time themselves), then don't talk to the parents or do it discretely, i.e. without telling your friend, to avoid disappointments (e.g. you talk to the parents, but they don't seem to do get the message).

They have known about all of it before me. She is very close to her mum and shares everything with her. Her mum's father's partner has been staying over as well, giving support. She always has someone there for her.

Thanks for the help guys.

[BigTex]

Finally have some time to type.

A divorce is usually seen as a loss of a constant. Her mother and father have always been there, have always been together, have always been one unit. Destroying that one thing that has always been there can call into question alot. It's usually worse when children are in their teens, but everyones different, and every situation is unique. There's alot of stress involved with college, believing that you've lost the one stabalizer in your life can have massive effects.

To help her you need to be her constant, her safety. The pillow at the end of the day, the boulder of security. Be there for her, but don't follow her into the depths. Stay happy, talk about whats going wrong and be rational but empathetic in your responses, and as redleg said they must stay the same. Get out do stuff, go see The Dark Knight or another movie. As long as your doing something your not focusing on being sad, if you arent focusing on being sad you are happier.

Stay away from the emo music, just makes people more depressed. Yes it's nice to listen to sometimes (and godbless emo girls, come cry on BigTex's shoulder, tell me of your woe's) but bummed out music makes you feel well bummed out.

Ok so she got the drugs after the panic attack. If they work it will take several weeks before they will have an effect. Be there for her and don't let her negativity get to you.

That actually depends on if they gave her true anti-depressents or muscle relaxers. Since she was convulsing and needing to be restrained she could very well be on muscle relaxers. Or a combination of the two. Some anti-depressents can take a few weeks to build up in the body, while muscle relaxers will take minutes to take effect.

Go out and go bowling or some other group activity. Find as many people who know and care about her and invite them to come. Seeing alot of people who care about her can help.

Just don't go breaking yourself. You can't help her if your wasted and broken. Goodluck, and stay strong.

[FactionHeir]

I was reading an article the other day that women on anti depressants actually experienced noticeable improvements when taking Viagra

Other than that, I don't know anyone with depression (though I sometimes think of myself as depressed), but making them not feel alone should help I think.

[Hosakawa Tito]

Other then that - don't take the suicide attempt lightly. It was a call for help because she is overwhelmed with the situation.

I can't stress this statement enough. I hope her doctor & therapist are aware of this. I would suggest some type of suicide prevention training/counselling for you.

[yesdachi]

After my step father died my mom went into a bad time with depression. She took some drugs and spent more time around people that cared for her and now she is a lot better. Spending time around “good for you” people is the best thing. Not all people are good to be around, especially relatives. Ditch the downers, regardless of their relationships and spend time with the good positive people and it will help as much as the drugs.

Non-prescription drugs, even relatively mild ones could be very hazardous right now, I would avoid them completely.

[Rhyfelwyr]

I've never been diagnosed with depression, but I've felt pretty bad for long periods of time in the past.

I found that getting into a daily routine really helps. You can feel as if you are in control and you know when you have things to look forward to. It helped me to just calm down and get a grip basically, then I can return to life at my own pace.

Obviously you can't really tell your girlfriend this if you don't want her to know people believe she has depression, but maybe you could regularise when you see her or something along those lines?

[pevergreen]

I like that you are trying to help. It makes me feel better talking to you.

I guess it's working.

[Martok]

Good. Keep at it.

[Caius]

I guess it's working.

I have nothing to add. Well, we hope that everything will be ok, for you both.

[BigTex]

I guess it's working.

Good job, stick with it/her

[pevergreen]

Just back from spending 2 days with her.

She is getting better, she knows it. We talked a bit, and me turning up really made her happy. I dont want to her to go back to sadness as she said she was until I turned up. Aggh. She goes to a professional on friday, and has agreed to me going along after the first time. She hates talking about it, but will talk to me at least.

Ty for vent space.

[CountArach]

Good job mate, you're making someone else's life so much easier. That's what its all about.

[pevergreen]

Sorry for bringing this up again.

I'm having a really hard day today.
and i don't want to talk about it because its hard for me to.
even though i have everyone around me. being there for me. i feel like im by
myself. like nobody understands what i'm going through. and sometimes i just wish it
would all just go away. but it wont.
so i think to myself what's the easiest way out. and you know what happened the last
time i tried to find the easy way. i hope you will never try because the world would
lose such a wonderful person.
I'm not asking you to forget about me but right now i just need to be alone.
i need to sort out my own problems. before i do something i regret.
you have been the best thing that has ever happened to me. and i don't want to lose
you. but if i don't do this i'm afraid i'm going to end up regretting everything
which i don't want to.
perhaps after everything has finished when everything is not so complicated anymore
we could try again.
but for now. i need to look after myself. before anything else because if i don't
i'm afraid of what i will do.
i love you so much and i always will. you are the person i can always turn to.
and i hope we can still be friends. i will always be there for you. wether you need
someone to talk to or a shoulder to cry on. and in hope you would do the same for
me. i would tell you this all in person but i am afraid that i would not be able to,
therefore not sharing my true feeling with you.
i never want to lose you. and i would do anything to change the way i am feeling
right now but i can't and this is why i have to end it.
i love you so much


kp. Xxx

In my experience with depression, she's at the lowest point. I had the moment, when I realised something needed to go, and after it went, it got better. Not immediately, but over time. I think she has got there. Sacrifices are needed, and I've been sacrificed. So be it.


(off topic for a moment, i love controlling emotions. I find that anger is super effective against sadness. Time to go get angry.)

[HoreTore]

Gah! Women.

[CountArach]

That really sucks man, but still - you have to keep an eye on her.