Why USA will rejoin the British Empire

[PowerWizard]

Dear Citizens of America,

In view of your failure to elect a competent President and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy), as from Monday next.

Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up “revocation” in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up “aluminium,” and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘colour’, ‘favour’ and ‘neighbour.’ Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters, and the suffix “ize” will be replaced by the suffix “ise.”

3. You will learn that the suffix ‘burgh’ is pronounced ‘burra’; you may elect to spell Pittsburgh as ‘Pittsberg’ if you find you simply can’t cope with correct pronunciation.

4. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up “vocabulary”). Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as “like” and “you know” is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

5. There is no such thing as “US English.” We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter ‘u’ and the elimination of “-ize.”

6. You will relearn your original national anthem, “God Save The Queen”,
but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above).

7. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. November 2nd will
be a new national holiday, but to be celebrated only in England. It will be called “Come-Uppance Day.”

8. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you’re not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you’re not grown up enough to handle a gun.

9. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

10. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

11. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric immediately and without the benefit of conversion tables… Both roundabouts and metrification will help you understand the British sense of humour.

12. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling “gasoline”) – roughly $8/US per gallon. Get used to it.

13. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call french fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called “crisps.” Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with malt vinegar.

14. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

15. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as “beer,” and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as “Lager.” American brands will be referred to as “Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine,” so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

16. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors as English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in “Four Weddings and a Funeral” was an experience akin to having one’s ear removed with a cheese grater.

17. You will cease playing American “football.” There is only one kind of proper football; you call it “soccer”. Those of you brave enough, in time, will be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American “football”, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a
bunch of Jessies – English slang for “Big Girls Blouse”).

18. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the “World Series” for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable and forgiven.

19. You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad.

20. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due, backdated to 1776.

Thank you for your co-operation.
John Cleese


http://starrgazr.wordpress.com/2008/...er-to-america/

[Lemur]

Pretty sure this was posted in the Backroom sometime in the year and a half since it was written.

[Rhyfelwyr]

lulz

But I remember a thread about how "US English" is actually closer to the English of a few centuries ago compared to how it has evolved here in Britain.

[PowerWizard]

Pretty sure this was posted in the Backroom sometime in the year and a half since it was written.

You can never have enough lulz. Besides, have those circumstances changed that inspired the Minister of Silly Walks to write this letter in the first place?

[Banquo's Ghost]

It's very old - at the very least back to 2000 (circulated after President Bush's election) and I'm sure I saw a variant a long time before that.

There's an American reply too, and I've seen a formal response as written by the French (re-asserting sovereignty over England because they let a Welshman onto the throne). I'll see if I can find the latter, which is guaranteed to wind up the English.

[PowerWizard]

It's very old - at the very least back to 2000 (circulated after President Bush's election) and I'm sure I saw a variant a long time before that.

It can't be from 2000, since it mentions Gordon Brown, who assumed office in 2007.

There's an American reply too, and I've seen a formal response as written by the French (re-asserting sovereignty over England because they let a Welshman onto the throne). I'll see if I can find the latter, which is guaranteed to wind up the English.

Let's hear it.

[Furunculus]

It's very old - at the very least back to 2000 (circulated after President Bush's election) and I'm sure I saw a variant a long time before that.

There's an American reply too, and I've seen a formal response as written by the French (re-asserting sovereignty over England because they let a Welshman onto the throne). I'll see if I can find the latter, which is guaranteed to wind up the English.

awesome, please do so. lol.

[Louis VI the Fat]

Being a great fan of British humour, I venture to say this is not John Cleese / Monthy Python's style.

a formal response as written by the French (re-asserting sovereignty over England because they let a Welshman onto the throne). I'll see if I can find the latter, which is guaranteed to wind up the English.

Oh please, oh please! Let's hear it!

[drone]

It can't be from 2000, since it mentions Gordon Brown, who assumed office in 2007.

That's why he said variant. It's been around for a while.

In view of your failure to elect a competent President and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

This is the clue, it's from Bush 43, either v1.0 or v2.0.

[PowerWizard]

Are you assuming Obama is a competent president? What do you base your claim upon?

[Hooahguy]

[PowerWizard]

10. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

Oh and looks like point 10 needs not to be implemented, as US car industry is already collapsing. I'm not happy with it though, as some of my favourite models are made there.

[InsaneApache]

It's true, it's from nearly a decade ago, just after shrub was elected the first time. As for the French taking over the UK. Please do. You could start with taking Brown back to Paris in chains. He'd look great being paraded down the champs elesus.

[drone]

Are you assuming Obama is a competent president? What do you base your claim upon?

It doesn't matter if I think that or not. I seriously doubt that "John Cleese" would start a letter with those words after the election of a Democrat as our President. The letter is being re-used, with slight alterations to make it more modern.

[PowerWizard]

It doesn't matter if I think that or not. I seriously doubt that "John Cleese" would start a letter with those words after the election of a Democrat as our President. The letter is being re-used, with slight alterations to make it more modern.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Poisoning_the_well

[drone]

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Poisoning_the_well

[KarlXII]

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Poisoning_the_well

Not_funny

I thought you Brits cared for us

That's it!

France! Oh France! We didn't really mean to rename your beautiful fries and toast.

[PowerWizard]

Not_funny

I thought you Brits cared for us

That's it!

France! Oh France! We didn't really mean to rename your beautiful fries and toast.

Ich bin kein Englander.

[Hosakawa Tito]

According to snopes, Cleese didn't write the piece but I bet he would delivery it very well. Here's one rebuttal I found and edited ever so slightly.

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

Notice of the Annexation of the former United Kingdom
It is terribly embarrassing to admit that the majority of us Americans only recently realized that Britain isn't actually a Dependancy of the United States of America. It seems that despite the majority opinion to the contrary, the British Isles were not, in fact, appropriated along with Australia and New Zealand after President Lincoln put down the rebellion of accented English speakers.
Nevertheless, we Americans wish to correct our oversight before we become distracted by something else on the television. Thus, we have comprised a list of minor changes intended to bring about the 'Americanization' of the former United Kingdom:
1. Having a Queen is so 18th Century- oh, and strictly unconstitutional. So we suggest that Her Former Majesty take up the occupation for which she is immanently more qualified: -slapping politicians that are too full of themselves. By the way, when she gets done setting the Isles straight, we could use her in DC.
2. As fun as powdered wigs are, lawyers and magistrates will no longer be required to wear them. However, as it is easier to shoot a lawyer on site if one can easily identify one, we suggest that lawyers continue this tradition voluntarily.
3. The Church of England will be re-organized as the Church of Global Warming.
4. The Stamp Act will be replaced by all the federal taxes you've been skipping out on since the 1860's. We'd send you a copy of the tax code, but Federal Express doesn't own a ship big enough to carry it.
5. The former United Kingdom will reinstate the Standard system of measurement. Mostly because Americans don't know if 32 deg. C is suppposed to be hot or cold.
6. Until further notice, American slang will be in full force throughout the Isles. Therefore, the scantily clad young female will not be referred to as the "bird", but rather the "hot chick". Cigarettes will be referred to as "smokes", not "fags". Violators will be flipped the "bird". Oh yeah, and you will learn to say "ain't".
7. That silly game with the wooden paddle will be replaced by the American sport of baseball. And since, by and large, we Americans do not like the people in Massachusetts, you can have the Boston Red Sox slot in the league. They don't know how to play baseball anyways.
8. In order to preserve the Union for future generations, all politicians will now be required to earn a passing grade from the Tony Blair Academy of Public Speaking before taking office.
9. The Right Honourable The Lords Spiritual and Temporal in Parliament Assembled shall be replaced by The Assembly Of Dudes That Talk Funny. The Assembly Of Dudes That Talk Funny will not be invested with the traditional legislative powers of parliament, however the policy of the two drink minimum will be retained.
10. Using America as a template, all the former duties and powers of parliament will now rest with the Reformed Secret Brotherhood of Stonecutters, and the Third International Guild of Public Service Workers until such time that the citizenry actually bothers to read the Constitution.
11. We'll tell you who killed JFK only after you apologize for the Tele-tubbies.
12. And finally, in order to ensure that the degradation of the former United Kingdom keeps pace with that of the rest of the United States of America, the BBC monopoly shall be broken so that you too may suffer from American Idol, Survivor, and whatever TV broadcast Rosie O'Donnell ends up on.

[drone]

Are you accusing me of using a logical fallacy to support my argument that the letter is teh old? Or that "John Cleese" is poisoning the well with his opening statement?

[Louis VI the Fat]

France! Oh France!

Fear not! We shall guard the honour of virgin America against all of Albion's perfidious schemes!



Allegory of France shielding her young innocent sister America.

As for the French taking over the UK. Please do. You could start with taking Brown back to Paris in chains.

Mon dieu! We would never interfere in British politics in this vile manner! As far as we are concerned, Brown's staying firmly put.

[miotas]

How can you say revocation wrong? Then again how do you poms say it? Maybe us aussies say it wrong as well. I pronounce it rev-oc-ay-shun

[Crazed Rabbit]

Dear Perfidious Albion:

We believe that you are confused about the nature of our independence. Apparently it is you who misunderstand revocation, or perhaps your inability to do so.

You see, one letter containing many erroneously placed 'u's doesn't actually affect anything. You'd have to come over here and attempt to enforce your will. And that's the second thing; we've got an awful lot of nice guns over here in America. And we've got an awful lot of people who know how to shoot them. And considering the difficulty your army had securing one city with less than 3 million people, I don't think they'd have much of a chance over here.

So any attempt to actually enforce your letter would end like the Revolutionary War, except quicker. France could get in on the action too.

And we'll have to put an end to this talk of a "special relationship" and just declare what everyone knows; that the UK is a vassal of the US. That way, we can make you stop your annoying whining about us dumping Gitmo inmates in Bermuda. And we'll give your leaders DVDs that don't work and make you say thanks.

CR

[Pannonian]

It's very old - at the very least back to 2000 (circulated after President Bush's election) and I'm sure I saw a variant a long time before that.

Snopes investigation traces it back to Alan Baxter in an internal newsgroup in November 2000, which was later expanded. The first publicly accessible version was posted to sci.military.naval by Peter Rieden on 15th November 2000.

Hmm, Snopes wasn't as thorough as usual on this one. Posted at the same time as Rieden's version, within the same thread, is a 4 item version by TJ, meaning they must have taken that from somewhere (probably Baxter's original).

[Gregoshi]

Fear not! We shall guard the honour of virgin America against all of Albion's perfidious schemes!



Allegory of France shielding her young innocent sister America.

Boy, is that picture wrong. We pruds here in the US of A would not flash our boobs...except for those shown on CSPAN.

[drone]

Snopes investigation traces it back to Alan Baxter in an internal newsgroup in November 2000, which was later expanded. The first publicly accessible version was posted to sci.military.naval by Peter Rieden on 15th November 2000.

Hmm, Snopes wasn't as thorough as usual on this one. Posted at the same time as Rieden's version, within the same thread, is a 4 item version by TJ, meaning they must have taken that from somewhere (probably Baxter's original).

Now it's starting to come back to me. It originated from the Florida fiasco in the 2000 elections.

[KarlXII]

Allegory of France shielding her young innocent sister America.

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

Damn, now I must listen to La Marseille.

Ich bin kein Englander.

You are no Englander?

Ich bin einer Englander nicht.

[Beskar]

It's true, it's from nearly a decade ago, just after shrub was elected the first time. As for the French taking over the UK. Please do. You could start with taking Brown back to Paris in chains. He'd look great being paraded down the champs elesus.

Don't remind everyone of Gordon Brown and Obama beach.

What was the worse, the Germans got a silent respect in Normandy while Gordon Brown was boo'd by the veterans... when you are getting a far worse reception than the Germans at Normandy as the British Prime-Minister, then something must be wrong.

[Reverend Joe]

Fear not! We shall guard the honour of virgin America against all of Albion's perfidious schemes!



Allegory of France shielding her young innocent sister America.

She looks like she's about to smack him in the face for touching her...

Also, hasn't France gone through multiple tumultuous changes in Government since she became a Republic? We only had one in the 1788, before you were even France; so technically, that makes us the older sibling.

@The original post: America's response (at 0:04 -- also, strong language advisory.) I think we will both find it fitting.

[Banquo's Ghost]

I wasn't able to find it again on the intertubes, but a friend still had a version saved.

His Most Christian Majesty, Francis I of France, does hereby announce the revocation of the latitude allowed to the Duchy of Normandie et Angleterre (popularly known as England). Since the common people of that land have seen fit to overthrow their French lords and instate some random Welshman onto their 'throne", it is the noble duty of His Christian Majesty to reassert tight control lest their madness put at risk the valuable wool trade.

His Most Christian Majesty therefore requires:

1. That the English look up the word "révocation" in the Dictionnaire de l'Académie française. You will find you have been pronouncing it wrong. This is true of most of your gutteral croakings. Please speak more seductively.

2. Stop stealing words from other people. You will find French is quite enough for anyone's use and you only confuse the Germans. Learn French properly and stop shouting. "Paris vaut bien une messe" is a devastating quip on the Reformation, not a comment on the amount of dog turd fouling the capital.

3. You will be required to accept that you will never win the World Cup again. Ever. Getting your hopes up only to be dashed by the second game, whilst endlessly amusing to the Continent is, nonetheless, counter-productive to good morale and productivity. Just inventing a sport does not give you any further right to win at it. If this was your aim, you should have done what the Americans did and invent sports that no-one else plays whilst still calling it a world championship.

4. There is no such thing as English wine. The stuff you label thus is actually window cleaner. Get over it.

5. You are ordered to control the common soldiery. As the Queen would note, a man's tongue should be put to better use. Sticking it out to insult piles of French knights lying in the mud like pincushions is not the correct usage at all. If you continue to permit such disorderly behaviour, you will end up being ruled by girls, red-headed step-children and ugly men with warts who hate dancing. Possibly even Germans. Be warned.

6. Believe us, you will thank us for the tip about tongue use. Down there, you will no longer have to look at English women who hit every branch of the ugly tree on the way down. No wonder you all get bladdered every Saturday night. Honestly, Welsh sheep were the wrong answer.

7. You are no longer allowed to portray your French masters as effeminate. It wasn't us who had the gayest war in history and called it the War of the Roses.

8. Warm beer is wrong on so many levels. Quantity does not trump quality, though we understand why you are trying to wash the taste away.

9. Your second Welsh "king" appears to have converted to Islam. If you really want a polygamous ruler, we can arrange to sell you to the Ottomans.

10. By the way, you can have America. You have no idea how much trouble it is going to be.

11. Chivalry. You're doing it wrong. The correct form when outnumbered by the flower of French nobility is to roll over and die in good order. Hiding behind a bog filled with pointy sticks and shooting at us is just not cricket.

12. Snails are tasty. You will learn to like them. They do not require suet to be tasty. Nothing requires suet.

13. Really, you don't need to work so hard. No-one really cares. Your boss thinks you're an idiot. The Anglo-Saxon work ethic is merely a device to ensure you don't spend even more time senseless with drink.

14. Whatever the Tudors tell you, five sheep tethered to a pole do not make a leisure centre.

15. We understand that with the quality of the women available, why you make love only once per year for fifteen seconds and the light out. We have no desire to be excessively cruel, so you can continue.

16. It is our regal duty to remind you that your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries.