How Lucius Marcundus accidentally brought down the Roman Republic


By Eric Damon
(part III)

“So un-roman like” he thought looking into the tiny glass mirror, inspecting himself. Lucius wore a white linen tunic and a Greek Chlamys in exquisite and colourful yellow and red. With such an outfit and a full beard covering his face he could be mistaken for a Greek, if it wasn’t for Lucius blond hair.
The young sculptor was now 20 years old, living in Athens, dressing like a true Greek. It was the fashion of the young and idealistic Roman to dress like a Greek philosopher or artist. This is how they protested against the conservative moral standards propagated by old Senators like Silanus.
And there he was, dressed like a young rebel, going to a high society party. “Oh the people will look at me and shake their heads. Wonderful!”

He left his home near the Agora, the Athenian Forum, looking at the Acropolis. The sun was going down and orange light covered the ancient monuments on the hill. “Athens is so beautiful” he pondered while gazing at the colourful spectacle. “Athens has it all, the monuments, the people, the culture, the art. Rome cannot compare itself to this magnificent city.” After a while Lucius moved on, he couldn’t afford to be late at the event. After all the host was Aulus Claudius Nero, a young but very important character. In his days his father was governor of the Macedonian province, which made quite a lot of money and now his two sons owed all of it. Being that rich the Neros often held parties to keep their friends and more importantly his enemies close. Lucius was invited because he made business through with him- a lot of decorations in his house were made by him.

When he entered Neros house, an old Greek villa in the centre of the city, he noticed guests of all ages and genders. After being greeted by the sly host and talking to a few familiar faces Lucius headed to the table with the vine vases. He noticed a large assortment of different drinks.

“I would recommend the Massalian red wine. It’s not as sweet as the Italian wines, but not bitter by any means.”
Lucius looked around.
He saw a young man, maybe a few years older then him, in a classic and fashionable toga. He had a friendly face, thin hair and his voice had the sound of a charming gentleman.
“Believe me; I know a lot about expensive wines.”
“So you are a wine steward? If I knew rich people had people drinking their wine for money I wouldn’t have become a sculptor.” Lucius replied with a grin. As always he leaned quite far out of the window with his cheeky maner
“A wine steward? Ha! Hardly, I just love to drink.”
“Then we have something in common. My name is Lucius.”
“Marcus, what a pleasure to meet a fellow drinking comrade at such a dull party.”
They shook hands. Marcus definitely had this charming yet smart sound of a voice. Both continued to talk to each other for a quite a while, drinking wine while doing so.
“… And then the old men said ‘Nay nay nay. The dog can come in - but not my wife’.” Lucius was always firing jokes when drunk and in company. Marcus was laughing all the way, his eyes started to tear.
“That’s another good one. How do you come up with all that silly stories?”
“I guess it has something to do with the stuff the gods put into wine.”
“Oh that is so passionate of you to say. But you what? We can’t have wine without female company.”
Marcus looked around the crowd. He waved his finger to a group of young ladies. Soon three young women approached the more then tipsy duo.
Marcus whispered to his new drinking companion: “Some ladies I know. Well - I know one of them a bit too good.”
“Why hello good looking ladies. How are we tonight? Having a good time?” Marcus was obviously successful with women.
They were between sixteen and twenty years old, two of them wore a bit too much make-up, but their dresses were made out of powerful colours.
“Ladies, may I introduce you to Lucius, the man with an irresistible look and humour that will throw you out of your shoes.”
Lucius wondered if he was trying to set him up.
“Lucius, these fine young gals are Aula, Gnea and Vibia - friends of mine who love to games. And I am talking of all sorts of games.”
“Too bad you are quite bad at playing games. And I am talking of all sorts of games.” Vibia seemed to be devious enough to be quick at repartee.
“Am I missing something out? Are you sport or is that some subtle sexual reference?” Lucius stood there, glimpsing in confusion.
Vibia winked and came closer to him touching him at the hips. “Marcus, I didn’t know that you had such witty friends, Marcus. And he is kind of cute too.”
It seemed to him that this conversion going turning to something more quite fast.

The group continued to talk for a while, but they all started to feel the heavy impact of the alcoholic beverages. Marcus’ articulation was still perfect, but he started to talk nonsense.
“Well Lucius, you know what this high society parties always lack? It lacks someone who spices things up a bit.”
Suddenly Marcus jumped on a table and shouted: “Fellow party guests. May I borrow your ear for a minute?”
People ceased to talk, the music stopped as well.
Lucius examined the situation.
This could go terribly wrong.
“I wanted to take the chance and thank Nero for this wonderful party with such wonderful guests. I also wanted to thank Nero to have the guts to invite us to this party even though some of us were followers of Calatinus and are practically wanted dead in Rome. IT shows that you people here have no backbone and completely indifferent about politics.”
This was indeed going terribly wrong.
People looked at Marcus with a blank face as they could not quite grasp what was going on.
“This party will be remembered as the first party in the history of Rome since the civil war where the Optimates and the Populares can drink, dance and talk to each other again. I stand up here and you are all probably wondering why I am talking to you. I stand up here because I have a mission. I want to heal the Roman people. I want to end the civil war. No more Optimates. No more Populares. No more Calatinus. No more Silanus.”
Lucius was gazing at Marcus with a smile. ‘He is terrible. But he is brilliant in it.’
“And there is only one way in closing the fronts. Bacchus came to my dreams and told me how to do it.”
Marcus picked up a vase of wine and waved it around.
“He said; Marcus you have to end the civil war. You are probably wondering how he wants me to do that. And I will tell you.”
He paused.
He was drunk beyond reason.

“We have to get naked!”
He started to laugh unintentionally.
“All of you get naked. Now!”
No one laughed but Lucius.
“Let’s heal the Roman society by drinking and getting naked! Thank you; you’ve been a wonderful audience!”
Marcus jumped off the table. He went back to Lucius with a look in his face as if nothing had happened.
“You are probably asking yourself why I would do such a thing. Well, I just love to piss off these rich high society people. Did you see the look at Neros face? I’m not sure if he will invite me to a party next time.”
“Way to go. But you didn’t convince me with your mission.”
“What?”
“You’re not naked.”
“Are you challenging me?”
“Yes that’s exactly what I am doing Marcus”
“**** you. I’m better then you” Marcus said with a big smile.
“Screw this, I’m doing it” he added.
Marcus started to undress himself and a moment later Lucius did the same. The three girls started to giggle holding their hands before their mouth. And in the next moment both Lucius and Marcus were completely naked, dashing into the party crowd and screaming “Heal the Roman society!” and “Get naked everyone.”
Needless to say most people were shocked, but at least a few party guests started to clap in excitement.
The two ended up running outside, standing at on the street catching their breath again. The girls followed them outside carrying their cloths.
They burst into unstoppable laughter.
“Remember me not to drink so much at high society parties” said the naked Marcus to the naked Lucius while dressing up again. “Screw this party. I don’t think they’ll let us in anymore. Let’s go to my place with these young ladies here. I’m sure they are up for some deep religious prayers to Bacchus and Venus.”
“Sure why not. If it includes you two getting naked again I won’t mind.” Vibia replied to Marcus.
Lucius grinned.
As they started to move he turned to Marcus.
“You haven’t even told me your full name yet.”
“Names don’t mean much, but if you have to know I am known as Marcus Julius Caesar.”
“Well I think Marcus Julius Caesar and Lucius Marcundus will have fine evening with these stunning ladies”
Lucius grinned widely.