What will you do 26th of december?

[Askthepizzaguy]

What will I do on the 26th of December?

I'll probably don my mushroom cap, adorn myself in the usual pepperoni buttons, green pepper bracelets, chicken cufflinks, beef bell-bottoms, jalepeno jacket, sausage belt, and melted mozzarella makeup, and drive my Post-Christmas sleigh, a 1978 AMC Pacer Hatchback, all over the world, delivering hot yummy slices of pizza to all the good little boys and girls who made the "nice tip" list.

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

With my sack filled with steaming boxes, and a light atop my sleigh,
the numbers of your local pizza parlor glowing bright for all to see, I'll give a hearty "Ho, ho ho" and say:





On Beefy, On Ham, On Bacon and Cheesy!
On Pork, On Sausage, On Tomato and Anchovy!
To the top of the porch! To the food court of the mall!
Now munch away, munch away, munch away all!

As the gas prices on the big board start to climb,
When I meet a pothole, or my tires start to slide,
I will not falter, to the house of the customers I'll go
With a sleigh full of yummies, and a Pepsi in tow
I'll park in the handicap space, and buzz myself in,
And up the stairs I will come, change coins jinglin'
I'll come with a twinkle, I'll come with a smile
No unrolled change please, counting takes quite a while.
I'll take your Mastercard, and I'll accept Visa
But Discover won't even get you one slice of Pizza
Please arrive at the door fully dressed, if you please
And if your cuddly dog bites, put her on a leash
Please remember to stay at home, that would be keen
If you order, then go shopping, that's really STUPID and mean.
No, I won't come inside, and I won't serve it on a plate
I've got 300 million other deliveries to do tonight, mate
And if you're three dollars short, NO, you don't get the food!
I won't "cover you this time" you ignorant fool,
I work for a living, you ungrateful wretch!
It's bad enough for no tip, your pizza I'll fetch.
And if the pizza is wrong, guess what, I don't make them!
All I do is drive, and to your house I do take them!
If the pizza is wrong, call them up, tell the boss
I don't have an oven in my car, it won't help to be cross
I can't make another pizza for you; it's no use to whine
If your Amazon purchase is wrong, you don't blame the UPS guy!
And I don't want to argue about the cost of the food
It's expensive to hire a taxi for your dinner... DUDE.
Another thing, I may be handsome, and I may look cuddly
But please, keep your hands off of me, I ain't your buddy
I'm a professional food courier, please don't treat me like dirt
And forgive me this, please, I really must be curt:
Strippers, you may look cute, but "flirting" don't pay the bills
Keep your stupid "lap dances", PAY ME, and go pop some more pills
And sir, if you would please, keep that thing in your drawers
I'm not gay, and I'm at work, I need to get back to the store
I'm on the clock, I don't have time to reject your advances
And if I may, being 60 years old hurts your chances.
I've learned o'er the years, and it makes me pissed
Cute single women who order pizza, simply do not exist.
I've seen a dude naked, I've been hit on by old men
I've dealt with my share of creeps, in all the places I've been
I've been robbed, I've been manhandled, I've been abused and cheated
I've been yelled and cursed at by hundreds of people I've greeted
And when my long, expensive trips are done, at the end of the day
I've got to scrub the store top to bottom, and put all the dishes away
I pay my own gas, I buy my own tires, insurance, and oil
There's no company car either, so my blood starts to boil
When people complain about the delivery charge or don't tip
If you don't like it, you cheapskate, then YOU make the trip.





MERRY CHRISTMAS, FROM PIZZA CLAUS!!!

Sorry, needed to get that off my chest. The above might be satire, but it is all 99% true as well. Merry Christmas, though, really.