A lot of the kids here know me by name. Many of them call me uncle, big brother and wahanda shahi (funny monkey). The children of Afghanistan, particularly the little girls, have had a profound impact on me and the soldiers in my unit. By virtue of my position and the nature of our unit, we have far more dealings with them than the average military people. The little girls here are the most beautiful I have ever seen.

I have always thought that “for the children!” was one of the most overused, ridiculous and cheesy battle cries for many a cause. But that applies to developed countries, where children are spoiled, where the world is their oyster and where they are not at threat of dying from things that you and I have never even had to think about. So far be it from me to actually sound that call here, for the children of Afghanistan.

Now is the time for all of you at Total.org to put your money where your mouth is. Whether you support the war or not, whether you think NATO is evil and Taliban is wholesome or vice versa, none of that matters for what I am about to ask of you.

Since being in country, I have spent more than $3000 of my own money on things to hand out to the children on the Paktya Province. According to the rules, I am not supposed to do that. According to those same rules, I am not supposed to solicit people for material donations either, which is what I am about to do. Oh well.

I currently am receiving much stuff for the kids from family, churches and charities back home. Of course, the military provides me with a lot of stuff as well, like school supplies and hand crank radios, but those only go so far and if I only relied on the Army I would always be out of stuff. The Army tends to provide me incredibly large amounts of the same stuff in increments of 1-2 months, whereas the things I get from CONUS typically arrive 4-8 small bozes per week.

The babies here like toys, pens, pencils, crayons, pretty much anything a little kid would like. Except you have to remember the kids here have nothing. The little girls here all wear makeup and have facial piercings, and they like to jingle out their dresses with noise makers and doo-dads. So I would also like kiddie cosmetics, hair berets and bows, and toy jewelry. One of my biggest hits so far has been strands of beads I order from a Mardi gras store online, you can get like 700 for $40. The girls wear them as necklaces and bracelets. I also need very small shoes and sandals, and things like little stuffed animals and beanie babies.

One flat rate box for $12.99 is all it takes. The stuff doesn’t even need to be new. I get a lot of used stuff, even Happy Meal toys, and it is better than what the kids already have. Things as simple and common as a bottle of bubbles and a blower, a package of party noise makers, or some used crayons will make a desolate child’s day.
I truly, honestly, prefer things geared towards little girls.

This is a boy’s land, and the girls get very little. In addition to that, most of the boys here, minus the very small ones who are still under the care of their sisters, become very unmanageable, greedy and violent when it comes to passing things out. I typically try to control the situation and give stuff to all the kids, but it always devolves into a mob scene due to the actions of the alpha males, who refuse to allow the girls and little ones to have anything, no matter how much the alphas already have. So every time I back into a control point – someone’s home, a compound, a gate – and I only let the girls in, where I fit them with toys, snacks, shoes, girly stuff. Then we tell them to run home as fast as they can so the boys don’t steal their things, and we escort them out of the gate and through the mob.

Sometimes, unfortunately, we have to be rough with the boys because they will assault the girls to get what they have. On more than one occasion, we have created a human wall so the boys could not get past in order to chase the girls home. On several occasions, I have pulled a boy off of a girl and held him until she could get away. My interpreter says this is why they call me Big Brother.

This is the chance for most of you to do your good deed for the year. Get off your butts and for one day stop playing armchair general, political pundit, know-it-all, holier-than-thou, drunken buffoon and jerk face. Send me things for the kids. And don’t, under any circumstances, send stuff for “the soldiers.” We don’t need anything, we have plenty. In fact, most of the stuff for the soldiers, like toothpaste and snacks, I loot from various sources and give to the kids as well.

It takes about 2-3 weeks to ship here. I will alert the .Org when I will no longer be around to receive the stuff; however, I am training my replacement of the finer points of “goodies procurement” and would like to leave plenty for him when he arrives, so he doesn’t have the 3 week dry spell like I did. I am setting August 20 as the preferred send date for me to receive the stuff, as it is likely we will be finishing up our missions with kids towards the end of September, although we will be here for a good time after that.

I was going to post this request earlier, but until now I have not been running short of things. Then, some pretty big issues like floods and missing seabies came up, and a lot of my plans changed so for a few weeks I have not been able to interact with the children like I planned.

Rest assured that anything I don’t get a chance to take out will be stored and used properly, and anything that arrives after my departure will also be put to good use. And there is always a strong possibility that I may voluntarily come right back, because the follow on units have already asked me to stay, the USDA is trying to recruit me, and a couple of NGOs dedicated to women and children have caught my eye.

I can’t believe I am giving you hooligans my name. I will not post it in the thread.

If you want to send something, contact Lemur, he will give you my info



Unfortunately, I will not be able to post a journal or pictures until I am CONUS. Aside from not really having the time, the posts will need to require careful editing as there are things I should not post for security reasons. Furthermore, putting certain adventures into context may require me to say unflattering things about people, places and things that could get me into hot water. Once I am home and out of this theater, I can be a little more forthcoming with my experiences, which is the way I prefer it.


Your questions or comments are welcome.