Dealing with retroactive jealousy

**rajpoot** · 02-05-2013, 05:49

Originally Posted by Tiaexz

There are basically two strategies which is often employed.

Distraction from the thoughts or Challenging the thoughts.

Distraction is pretty self-explanatory, it is pretty much trying to "switch the subject" mentally if the thought ever comes up. It is not really that effective, but it is a very common self-strategy people use to simply move on, and over time, it just eventually fades away before you realise it.

The other is to recognize these thoughts and challenge them. So when it pops up, just laugh at yourself, "Oh, get a grip… it’s nothing to do with me, and its forgotten". Because if it remains resolved, it can poison your mood, making you angry or annoyed, and if some one comes along and annoys you, you might end up saying or doing the wrong things towards them which you don't mean to do.

Hmm, I've actually been doing exactly this. Usually distraction works. In bad situations I go for challenge. It works for a short time period.

Giving it time is pretty much the only long term option I have ATM, but I so wish there was some quicker way to make my peace with it.

**SwordsMaster** · 02-05-2013, 11:30

Man, get over it.

Everyone has baggage, and everyone has been there. A petty, but sometimes effective way is to share a story of your own so she can share in the insecurity, and perhaps re-evaluate the brutal honesty approach to certain topics. Hell, I know there are things I don't want to know about my girlfriends' exes.

**Csargo** · 02-05-2013, 18:33

Originally Posted by SwordsMaster

Man, get over it.

Everyone has baggage, and everyone has been there. A petty, but sometimes effective way is to share a story of your own so she can share in the insecurity, and perhaps re-evaluate the brutal honesty approach to certain topics. Hell, I know there are things I don't want to know about my girlfriends' exes.

Good advice.

**drone** · 02-05-2013, 20:56

My first thought: You need to do something even more depraved with your girlfriend. You can't take back what happened with her ex, but you can try to top it!

Disclaimer: I am not a psychologist, and hardly the best person to be giving relationship advice.

**Strike For The South** · 02-05-2013, 21:43

punch him in the head

Talking about the sex you used to have is a sign of disrespect.

Intolerable

**Philippus Flavius Homovallumus** · 02-05-2013, 23:17

Originally Posted by drone

My first thought: You need to do something even more depraved with your girlfriend. You can't take back what happened with her ex, but you can try to top it!

Disclaimer: I am not a psychologist, and hardly the best person to be giving relationship advice.

Sounds like good advice

Originally Posted by Strike For The South

punch him in the head

Talking about the sex you used to have is a sign of disrespect.

Intolerable

Sounds like good advice.

You're obsessing because it's challenged your masculinity.

Here's another thought - he's her ex, you're not. You're the better man.

**rajpoot** · 02-06-2013, 08:37

The first thing she said to me after she saw him approaching us (right after, "Oh God it's XYZ") was, "Please be cool".

Thing is I'm not so certain about the 'challenged masculinity' angle. The very unreasonable reason that this is bothering me is that before this while I knew she had a past I never pictured her with anyone else. Now it's as if it's being rubbed in my face.
And while I knew I was relatively conservative, I never thought that it would ever be a problem for me, but now I find myself wishing that I was the only man she'd ever been with. I did not know this about myself before this incident and I would give a lot if I could simply change swap my point of view for more a reasonable and modern one. Because I know, that in this day and age wanting what I involuntarily seem to be wishing for is pretty much ridiculous.