City gates - a right royal pain in the bum

[rebelscum]

My pet hate at the moment is the city gate system.
Wether I march units through in an orderly fashion, or rush skirmishers through, something in the design turns even crack units into a mob of screaming idiots. Chariots seem to be the worst offenders (General screaming: 'Are you in or are you out, make your damn mind up'). What is it about the fact that one unit seems to bog down on the gate, other more mobile units decide to push through worstening the chaos. Then there are those few guys who decide that the gate is not the best way to get into the city and scrabble at the walls like demented rabbits trying to tunnel through (Skirmisher one: I have a phobia about gates. Skirmisher 2: Wow, me too.).
My stategy with small towns is a simple one. Move up the ram to batter the gates while archers turn the defenders into mush. Once the defenders have moved away/archers ammo is depleted, send skirmishers in to lead the defenders in a merry dance of death. The proud spearmen march confidently through the gate in normal formation, then reform phalanx and push down the street backed by any remaining missile troops. You would think that simple enough that even a commander with the 'couldn't command his way out of a paper bag' trait would be able to accomplish.
But no.
Some of the remaining defenders decide to rout through the skirmishers on their way back to the square, ignoring the fact that if they went the other way round, they probably wouldn't die (well not just yet anyways). The skirmishers try to rush back out of the gates (skirmishing as they do) whilst the spearmen are entering (Spearmen: *bump*, excuse me!, do you mind!, sorry!, excuse me!, hey stop shoving at the back!, whats the hold up!, would you mind awfully taking that spear out of my groin).
The archers you had remaining in reserve decide that the single remaining gate defender is a good target for a volley of arrows, (General to archer captain: I just thought I'd given you the order to ceasefire, maybe it just took you a whole minute for the message to travel from your ears to your butt, where your brain is located). The defenders suddenly have a change of heart (erm, I thought you said these guys were good, lets get them, cheeaaargeee ). Half the spearmen have their backs turned with question marks above their heads ( he said turn right at the gate, no I'm sure he said left, I thought it was forward two blocks .. then rest, is that the enemy general charging with 200 cavalry, oh sheee). The General is frantically trying to stop the archers releasing another volley of arrows into the mass of spearmen as the cavalry hit ( Tell them ceasefire means stop firing! ... what do you mean they don't speak Egyptian?) .
The Elephants decide that this is a good time to run amok and begin to play football with the onager crew (Half time score: Elephants 10, onagers 0). The scythe chariots get fed up waiting to get through and pass the time drag racing through your columns of crack infantry.
The General weeps into his helmet.
(this was a compilation of events brought to you by RTW - The return of the pants)