Dev Dave's been holding out on us...

[Lemur]

I've said it before, and I'll say it again:

[edit]

Ooooh, I found a review ...

Songs from the Crystal Cave

After seeing Out For Justice when I was seven, I was scared of the dark, the spooky woods out back of my house and Steven Seagal. I was petrified of Seagal because he seemed to be able to kill people just by looking, or in his case squinting, at them. Of course it didn't help that my older brother kept telling me that Seagal lurked in the woods, waiting for the day he could cruelly use his mysterious Japanese arts of silent assassination on one terrified little boy. The man was a demonic force that haunted all my childhood nightmares, like a latter day Michael Jackson. So, 16 years later, Steven Seagal releases an album entitled Songs from the Crystal Cave and, as part of my therapy, I volunteered to review it, thinking it couldn't be that bad, Seagal was just an actor and had nothing against me. I was wrong. Steven Seagal still hates me; he hates everyone with ears. Given the skill level of many of the musicians involved - including surprisingly enough Seagal himself - the album has some genuinely impressive moments, with one or two pretty nice laid-back soul tunes at the beginning. But later, the music began to scare the living daylights out of me because it was so bad, it was positively evil. Pseudo-political tracks like the reggaetastic War, his absolutely tragic attempts to bastardise world music in Not For Sale or his embarrassing chatter over Jealousy have lyrics that are the worst kind of political celebrity cheese. They're so bad that they make you forget why it is you listen to music at all. They're the musical equivalent of rotten milk. GodÖ I'm so dead. Rory McGrath