An Apology to all Australians

[English assassin]

The people of England would like to extent their sincere apology for the travesty that was previously advertised as "The Ashes Series".

The England Cricket team's performance 18 months ago may have lead some of you to believe this would be a close fought and exciting series. Headlines such as "Fabulous Freddie says we'll whallop diggers" could have suggested that we were not, in fact, sending a bunch of pie eating surrender monkeys for a nice holiday in the sun, interrupted only briefly by the tiresome necessity to lose three, and no doubt in due course five, test matches, plus some one day exhibition matches against girls U14 sides (U14 Girls 357-2, England 172).

We should extent a particular apology to the Australian cricket team, who must have wondered what exactly the "Castlemaine Four X" they had spent 18 months training in the outback for, after England managed the unprecedented feat of losing the second test. Surely a quick trot round the pitch the night before would have done? (Although let's be honest here, the idea of Shane Warne on a bush tucker trial IS funny)

If you could send them home via Tuvalu maybe we could win an international match against someone before they get back here?

[Banquo's Ghost]

They're coming back?

It's true that England have been a shambles, but one can't deny the series so far has provided some wonderful, wonderful cricket.

Warney at Adelaide - surely the finest competitor in his finest moment.

Gilchrist at Perth - one of the most delicious centuries ever seen.

Ricky Ponting - the most focussed, single-minded assassin of English hopes. Have you ever seen a steelier eye, or a captain leading more fiercely from the front?

Monty Panesar - a major discovery, two tests late.

The Adelaide Test - I don't have words.

Has ever a ball proven more prophetic in character and tone than Harmison's first ball wide in Brisbane?

Truth be known, the Australian team is the finest in the world. Not just because they have incredible talent, and have found new faces and revitalised the old (I bet Fletcher winces every time someone reminds him how he dismissed Warne and McGrath because of their age) - but because they have the desire of true champions.

They lost last year, and it hurt. They have worked unceasingly to right that wrong. And with the ruthess style of true champions, they have crushed the pretenders into dust.

Well done Aussie!

[naut]

Cricket is not a sport, it is a form of opression to the poor defenseless people forced to watch.

[matteus the inbred]

Cricket is not a sport, it is a form of opression to the poor defenseless people forced to watch.

It certainly is if you're English...the only way to watch cricket properly is to get sunstroke and then drink lager until comes out of your nose. Anything, even cricket, is preferable to how you feel after five days of doing that.

[Stig]

You have two sides: One out in the field and one in.
Each man that's in the side that's in goes out and when he's out he comes in and the next man goes in until he's out.
When they are all out the side that's out comes in and the side that's been in goes out and tries to get those coming in out.
Sometimes you get men still in and not out.
When both sides have been in and out including the not outs,
That's the end of the game.

always liked that one

[Hosakawa Tito]

I've never watched a cricket match, but if it involves several days of drinking cold beer, and your team loses, you still win. Friends don't let friends watch a match alone, and they bring the beer.

[MSB]

[Pannonian]

It certainly is if you're English...the only way to watch cricket properly is to get sunstroke and then drink lager until comes out of your nose. Anything, even cricket, is preferable to how you feel after five days of doing that.

The last time I was at a match, I watched the opposition score around 300 for 3 in the day while I got increasingly sozzled, eventually getting a case of sunburn that nicely showed off the short sleeves of my shirt. It's not as bad as growing up watching English cricket in the 1990s, but it's getting there.

[Mount Suribachi]

Its not so much that I mind losing the Ashes, more that we handed it to them on a plate through our woeful selection and non-existent preparation (for the 3rd winter in a row!!!). We couldn't have made it easier for them if we dropped our best bowler for an aging trundler who hadn't bowled a ball in over a year.

Oh, waitaminute, we did that

Replace Flintoff as captain with Strauss. Drop Jones for Read. By the 5th test with all that cricket under our belts we should be in the position to be match-fit and playing our best XI.

The one-day series and world cup don't even bear thinking about given our embaressing results in that form of the game...

[Pannonian]

I find it scary that this Strictly Come Dancing thread titled "gorgeous Mark Ramprakash" currently has 481 pages, or over 12,000 (twelve thousand) posts.

gorgeous Mark Ramprakash

[GoreBag]

Is Canada the only Commonwealth country immune to this game?

[Papewaio]

It's in the same sports category as baseball. So I wouldn't say the Canadians are immune to the game, they are just too Frenchiffied and Americanised to play it.

=][=

As for the Ashes, I wanted to see 2 wins to Aus, 1 win and a draw to England and a fifth test to decide which way it fell based on a win.

I must say that the 3-0 result and possible 5-0 whitewash really do not show some of the sparkling form the English have came up with. It is not ability, but discipline and consistency that is missing. That and it seems stopping the likes of Monty from playing... he is a gem, apart from the one over in which Gillie slogged the curry out of him for 0 2 6 6 4 6 ... which was part of the second fastest test century in history... there isn't much even a top bowler can do when a batsmen is in the groove.

[King Edward]

Gah, Jones was terrible, Reid should hav eplayed from the start. Monty is one of the best finger spinners found in recent times so we leave him out for 2 tests, Harmison is known for a fact to need time to warm up and with his injuries over the last year should ahve had more game time in the build up to the Series. (He looked in decent shape last test far better then the 1st) Flintoff never really got going with bat or ball and it didn't help with Vaughn pokeing around ever once in a while. Giles... ha the only thing he could turn out there was my stomach. He's been a great servant to the english game but after a year injured and advancing years it was always going to be a year too far. Strauss was undone by dodgy umpire decisions twice to cant rule to hard on his fall of wickets. Positives are that Pietersen is one of the most destructive batsmen in the world, and bell has the potentail to be real class (he's only 21)

Anyway, rant over! well played aussies the best team won!

[naut]

I find it scary that this Strictly Come Dancing thread titled "gorgeous Mark Ramprakash" currently has 481 pages, or over 12,000 (twelve thousand) posts.

gorgeous Mark Ramprakash

[Dave1984]

The last time I was at a match, I watched the opposition score around 300 for 3 in the day while I got increasingly sozzled, eventually getting a case of sunburn that nicely showed off the short sleeves of my shirt. It's not as bad as growing up watching English cricket in the 1990s, but it's getting there.

The last time I went I watched England collapse completely on the third day at Edgbaston against the Windies in the space of about two hours. Was nice to see Ambrose and Walsh playing shortly before their retirement and dammit the TV never did justice to just how tall they actually were!

[Mikeus Caesar]

I have to say, i quite like cricket - it's the only game you can enjoy watching, even if your team are losing.

Beer, sunburn and cricket. What could be more Commonwealthian?

[drone]

I hurt my back once when I was living in the UK, and I didn't have cable. So I spent the weekend lying prone on the couch watching an international test on BBC, doped up on muscle relaxants and beer. Not a bad way to recover. One of the umpires had an amusing (in my state anyway) way of signalling 4s and 6s. I think I even learned some of the rules.

[English assassin]

I hurt my back once when I was living in the UK, and I didn't have cable. So I spent the weekend lying prone on the couch watching an international test on BBC, doped up on muscle relaxants and beer. Not a bad way to recover. One of the umpires had an amusing (in my state anyway) way of signalling 4s and 6s. I think I even learned some of the rules.

David Shepherd, probably. (Did he stand on one leg and hop about when the score was on 111?)

What a great man he was. Is, I suppose, since he's not dead yet.

[Mount Suribachi]

Could've been Billy Bowden as well.

[drone]

Sorry, can't remember who it was. The way he waved his hands around was amusing though.

[Pannonian]

Was he fat? How long ago was this?

Fat, 5 or more years ago - David Shepherd.
Slim, in last 2-3 years - Billy Bowden.

[drone]

Was he fat? How long ago was this?

Fat, 5 or more years ago - David Shepherd.
Slim, in last 2-3 years - Billy Bowden.

1999, so I'm guessing David Shepherd.

[GoreBag]

It's in the same sports category as baseball. So I wouldn't say the Canadians are immune to the game, they are just too Frenchiffied and Americanised to play it.

We're basically immune to baseball too. We just need one more pro team to leave...I wish it'd hurry.

[Pannonian]

I wonder if I'll be warned for linking to content with smut and nudity.

Simon Jones

Thoughts on Ramprakash

"off to pray that Santa Ramps will appear at my chimney breast, wearing crotch hugging spank-me's and a sparkly dicky-bow, hand me a couple of tickets for the above mentioned cricket match and then insist on a private AT lesson ..." - welsh'nwytchy

[sapi]

How'd we lose the ashes to this lot? :P

[Scurvy]

How'd we lose the ashes to this lot? :P

we were actually good (and consistent) last time, also home advantage is quite useful --> we can get saved by rain when were losing

[naut]

Pannonian,

[Lorenzo_H]

Cricket is the only sport where you are playing against 11 players on the other team and 10 on your own.

[sapi]

we were actually good (and consistent) last time, also home advantage is quite useful --> we can get saved by rain when were losing

I was actually referring to the newspaper headline over here the day after the second test, but you have a point there

[macsen rufus]

@Drone

I think I even learned some of the rules.

My, my, the drugs/beers combination must have been stroooong!