The Diary of Dietrich von Dassel
Durazzo, 1314
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No really, I thought, rolling up the scroll and burning it. What a waste of paper. If raising an illegal army, housing the greatest threat to the Papacy (Alexander Luther), and marching that army on Durazzo, de facto capital of the Papacy in the name of Luther's teachings with the intent of killing the Pope wasn't grounds for excommunication, everyone might as well just coast into Heaven right now. I laughed. Wouldn't that be something?
As far as marches went, it was a rather fun one. The men were clearly motivated, and we may have heard Hans's screams of frustration at the fact that he couldn't catch me from here. Plus, after that assassination attempt on Luther, we actually gained men who wanted to join the cause, which was a welcome rarity in army marches. Granted, the fellows didn't have much experience... or armor... or weaponry. However, they did have zeal, and there are some occasions where zeal counts for the most.
If only the most zealous were always the most well-equipped to fight...
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Anyways, we finally arrived at Durazzo. It was a beautiful day, clear skies, all that. We were also somewhat surrounded and definitely outnumbered. But the nasty part of it would come later. Now came the catapults.
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We brought six of the shiny, lovely, wooden things with us from Ragusa to Durazzo. I remembered back in the Diet when Jan von Hamburg was flapping on about them and how there was no possible way they could be used to keep the peace in Ragusa, which at the time was my main excuse for housing that large army. I simply ignored him on that point. Ignoring him is fun. I must make a note to ignore him more often. Perhaps me completely ignoring him will actually ruffle his feathers a bit. That would be fun to see.
Before the catapults began their salvos against Durazzo's poor walls I had a couple of things to do. First of all, I had to address Luther. He was our religious ace in the hole, after all. I was confident in my generalling skills that day, but still, I was outnumbered by quite a bit. I told him to use all of his religious mojo to pray that second, massive army away, or at least delay them a bit. He seemed taken aback at my request but considering how I had sheltered him for the past few years and the fact that I was dressed in my full, intimidating, battle regalia he complied.
The second thing was to make the usual inspiring speech to the troops. I had this sort of thing in my mind for a while now. One's head generally gets overloaded with inspiring speeches when one gets stuck with garrison duty for a number of years. As a result, it came out a little over-the-top. Of course, I had people with zeal on my side, so maybe it was perfect.
"Men!" I said, in a nice, manly, let's-get-down-to-business tone, "Before us lies our goal! Durazzo, home of the puppet! Durazzo, home of the old crone! Durazzo, home of that Byzantine!!!" They cheered at that last bit. I grinned behind my helmet. I love it when something in a speech goes right. "We come here today," I continued, "A persecuted people, chased by our own kind, chased by people determined to run the Reich into ruin just to complete their own misguided agendas!" More cheering. I felt like a Kaiser. Oh wait, scratch that. I felt like a Duke. Actually, some Dukes are really having some problems nowadays. Scratch that too. I felt like... a popular leader. Let's leave it at that.
"They have tried to take everything away from me! Gentlemen, look at me! I am without a County. I am without a House! Men, they were even trying to rob me of my freedom before we made our march! But *#%! it, I have an army. And an army is all you ever need in life!!! We are the Army of Light, for that is what we bring to the world! Light, knowledge, and the truth! Nobody can take that away from us!!!" Cue army going beserk. Cue me nervously scanning the horizon searching for that huge Papal army scheduled to grind us into oblivion. Cue me not seeing anything and silently praising God and Luther (not necessarily in that order) for siding with me today.
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"Anyway, enough talking!" I concluded, because I really wanted to take the city before that other army decided to show up. "Catapults, show 'em what you've got!!!"
And they did. The lovely, shiny, wooden things did their work and launched those rocks at the enemy's walls, which vibrated so much from the impact that they sent the poor men on them flying. Of course, Pope Abbate or whoever was actually commanding the men saw the danger in this at once and gave the order to promptly abandon the walls. I remember turning to my aide, Friedrich, and remarking that I take back everything I ever said about artillery. He just shook his head.
I kept them firing long after it was necessary, grinning. Say all you will about the Reich's current state. The people of Durazzo, especially those who live on the north side of the city, will still say that we're pretty damn powerful. It felt good. Plus, it gave me some time to think about how to assault the city, where a large Papal army was waiting for us.
Mainly, I thought about those Religious Fanatics that had joined us halfway through and where they would fit. My first inclination was to use them as shock troops; they certainly had that required zeal. But then I realized they didn't fit the other definition of shock troops: effective. Forlorn Hope were good shock troops. They were effective. These Lutherans were like Forlorn Hope, only they suck. But then I realized that - hey! - the walls were abandoned and I wouldn't need any shock troops, period. Eventually I decided to put the Lutherans in reserve and use them as a buffer where extra manpower was needed.
"Sir?" Friedrich tugged my arm, snapping me back to life. "The northern walls are pretty much gone. Should we go in?"
I stared at the walls. The assessment was quite accurate.
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But then I saw that the gates, while now completely redundant, still stood. I couldn't have that, now, could I?
"Not yet," I said. "Tell the catapults to bring the gate down."
"Sir? You do realize that-"
"Just do it," I snapped. "Catapults! Bring down that gate!"
They did so. I grinned. We were ready to go in.
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Our men marched in, slowly, relaxed. There was need to speed up. After all, the walls - or what was left of them - were abandoned. There was no army behind us pushing us to move in. We had all the time in the world. I liked that. It's rare in war when you can be so organized in the middle of a battle. I ordered my units in and they went exactly where I placed them. Amazing.
A lone regiment of Papal Guard was standing at the entranceway to one of the main streets, daring us to pass. I laughed. Did they expect to be like the Spartans at Thermopylae? Did they expect to hold back the crush of my men? I ordered most of my infantry in to break them. The people in the numerous regiments of Dismounted Feudal Knights, Armoured Sergeants, and Zweihanders inevitably slipped through the cracks and sent the Papal Guard fleeing. The Papists would have to find another way to beat me.
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The main vanguard of infantry continued to move up the main street, occasionally encountering resistance. I dispatched a smaller group consisting of the Lutherans and two regiments of Armoured Sergeants to take a side street in support. Once enough area was secure, the archers and cavalry moved in. Order was progressing nicely, with the vanguard almost reaching the end of the main street. They were facing a minor resistance in Italian Spear Militia, who were being roundly defeated. Then I saw some movement that was rather surprising.
Cavalry - it had to be the Pope, since that was the only horse unit in the place - was moving, ready to back up the Italians and slam into my Zweihanders. But then I saw the Pope (poor lad, he was German, after all) move past the main action... right onto the side street where the Lutherans were ready to intercept him.
I laughed out loud. Pope Abbate was alone, without infantry support, against nearly two hundred and fifty pissed off Lutherans who had been taught for the past years that the man deserved to die. Zeal would certainly account for a lot in this skirmish.
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It was almost comically quick. The poor guy was right at the front of his unit when they ran into the Lutherans. His men put up a valiant fight but they simply couldn't reverse the fact that their leader was an old fat guy who had no military experience whatsoever. He fell rather quickly and a humongous cheer went up among the Lutherans, buoying the main group (who had intercepted potential infantry support).
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Anyway, the fight continued until it was a brutal showdown in the town center between us and the majority of the Papal infantry. I received a report from the catapults saying that the enemy army was finally in sight and that it was beginning to savage them with long-range weapons of its own. I ignored it. Killing the guys in the town center mattered now. After reading Kaiser Heinrich's reports on defeating the Papacy and taking Mediterranean settlements in general it seemed like this was the hardest part. I spent most of my time alternating between watching the battle and breaking into houses to steal food.
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The fight dragged on, blah blah blah. We lost some, they lost some. I received another report from the catapults. Time to get serious. I broke into one final house with a delicious scent of cake emanating from it, ate a slice, re-mounted my horse, and gave the final orders to the cavalry:
"Charge, boys!!!"
The Papal infantry was already at the breaking point, pressed to the limit by our men. That final cavalry charge, 150 horses screaming in, was simply too much. They died easily. Clockwork.
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"Men!" I screamed to my army after it was all over. "You have been vindicated! Re-unification lies in ruins! The puppet is deposed! You have exercised the Reich's authority and I salute you for that! The final Papal army approaches. Enjoy your spoils, make them remember this day forever as the day where they were too slow to prevent this from happening!"
And then, I exercised my final atrocity against the city of Durazzo.
"Kill them all."
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