The chapel stank of stale incense, sweat, and human waste. The rector of the Nuremburg church made special efforts to cover up the foul stench coming from the figure hunched in the corner, but there was only so much a few passes with a thurible could do. The man had not left the room for a week. Though his bodily excretions had diminished quickly with his fasting, their odor remained, as if haunting him. The air itself had taken on a smoky appearance, though from dust, smoke, or stench, it was impossible to tell.
Maximillian Mandorf noticed none of this. Not the smell, not the hunger, not even the hairshirt on his back. His skin was ashen and tight around his face. To all others, a week had passed, but to Mandorf it had been a lifetime. The rigors of the fast and the constant prayer had stripped him of all memory of earthly pleasures.
He was aware of a presence in the room, though no sound had been made. For whatever reason, he simply knew she was there. She coughed gently to announce her presence, but he ignored it and continued in prayer, his lips moving in silence, his head rocking back and forth in short jerks. Minutes passed. When he finally finished, he bowed his head and looked at the floor.
“We have already completed the lesson for this evening. Why are you here?”
Hildegard von Bilgen cocked her head slightly and looked at him. “The week is over, your penance is done.” Mandorf did not respond. The nun was about to repeat herself, when his voice came in a soft whisper.
“I am not ready.”
“Perhaps your soul is not ready, but you body must be tended to. You must eat and regain your strength.”
“I am not ready.”
She sighed and shook her head. “Have you forgotten the lesson from yesterday morning so quickly?” She closed her eyes, tilted her head upwards, and began to recite a passage.
“If our soul, under the body's urging, does evil with the body, the power of our soul will be darkened, because the light of the truth is missing. But if later the soul feels humiliated by sin and rises up again in opposition to the desires of the flesh, it will henceforth harry that flesh and hinder its evil deeds.
Indeed, the soul sustains the flesh, just as the flesh sustains the soul. For, after all, every deed is accomplished by the soul and the flesh. And, therefore, the soul can achieve with the body good and holy things and be revived as a result.
In this connection, it often happens that our flesh may feel bored when it cooperates with the soul. In such a case, therefore, the soul may give in to its fleshly partner and let the flesh take delight in earthly things. Similarly, a mother knows how to get her crying child to laugh again. Thus the soul accomplishes good deeds with the body, even though there may be some evil mixed up with them. The soul lets this happen so as not to overburden the flesh too much.”
Hildegard’s eyes opened again and she looked at Mandorf. “You soul may still require time, but your flesh must be nourished. Without the one you will never be able to achieve the other.”
The Steward of Bavaria’s head tilted upwards; the movement so slow that it appeared he struggled against a great weight. “I cannot help myself. I still desire.” Hildegard could see pale vertical channels carved in the filth below his eyes; the memory of tears that had long since dried.
“Desire itself is not an evil thing. It is only acting on the sinful desire that is evil. A man can desire to be generous to others. A woman can desire to make her children happy. Are these signs of evil?” Again, silence penetrated the room. Mandorf’s head bowed again.
“It is you I desire.”
Hildegard paused and considered this for a moment. “Will you act on this desire?”
“No. Never without your permission.”
She nodded. “Permission which you cannot have. Do not think me unfeeling; your affections have been apparent to me for several days now. Were I another person, I would assent to your advances, but I am devoted to Christ and my oath is stronger than any earthly love.”
“I know. That is why I must continue. My desire will consume me, unless I consume it. Without food, my body will feast on my passions, until they too are gone.”
The nun shook her head. “Your passions can further the glory of Christ. You must simply harness them and direct them towards his Works. Besides, carnal pleasures are not evil if they are between a man and a woman united by love and marriage. You are without a wife, a man without a family. When you have found a love that is true, you may enjoy your passions with her and be blessed. Until then, use your desires for other purposes.”
Mandorf considered this and shook his head. He closed his eyes and parted his lips in preparation for prayer, but the words would not form in his head. He remained like that, frozen and listless, but he could not remember a single prayer. After some time, Mandorf raised his head and looked at the nun. “What purposes?”
She smiled and held out her hand. “Come… we will talk while you eat.”
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Note: Hildegard's sermon recital is an actual passage from her work "Liber Divinorum Operum".
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