MTW2 Multiplayer Campaign Diplomacy thread.

[FactionHeir]

King Wladyslaw may rest assured that We have never had any assassins within Polish lands nor anywhere near Hungarian holdings and the central Mediterranean. All Our assassins are in Our Western and Eastern holdings with exception of a few at Our capital of Florence.

We also do not wish aggression against the Hungarians unless absolutely necessary by witness of their actions.

OOC: Yes I do too. In fact I anticipated that attack last turn already when I saw their stack moving from Corinth-Thessalonica to the border between Thessalonica and Durazzo. Didn't have any more militia to recruit though and for RP purposes did not train more men and ships until this turn.
From what I can see, they have not attacked you (they are still allied to you in the screen)

[Askthepizzaguy]

The Danish King, while on icy terms with the Sicilians, has no love for Hungary and would prefer to see the aggressors lose the war.

Sicily has Denmark's full support in defending themselves against the unhinged tyrant of Hungary, may he rest in pieces.

[Ramses II CP]

It is with great dismay that King Wladyslaw must present the information to this august body that the nation of Hungary has come to an end. The final Hungarian King, who was in truth no relation to the Hungarians I have known and loved, was assassinated by an agent of...

Before he can finish speaking a choking sound emerges from his throat and King Wladyslaw's already ruddy and fat face begins to turn a dusky red color. Horrible sounds croak forth from his body as he collapses, and though aids rush to his side and summon a doctor it is quickly clear that he has passed away beyond all recall.

One of the men who ran to assist the King looks up with an ashen gaze and says,

The King is dead, long live the King! Long live King Zbignew the Honorable!

Gentlemen of the Council it is a dark day for Poland, as the stress of managing so large a kingdom in such trying times has at last caught up with poor King Wladyslaw, once called the Chivalrous and the Honorable, of late known as the Tyrant. King Zbignew will soon address this body and answer all questions, but for now be it known that the politics of Poland shall not change and that the new King's eldest daughter, due to come of age quite soon (She's 15), is tentatively spoken for. Good day, and God Save the King!

[Csargo]

Emperor Heinrich wishes to show his sorrow for the loss of King Wladyslaw. He was a great and honorable man, and did much to bring prosperity and greatness to the Polish lands. He has shown me much kindness over the years, and I hope that the new king will do the same.

We hope that King Zbignew will have a long and prosperous reign, and that we can continue to be close allies and hopefully close friends as well.

[FactionHeir]

May your reign be long and prosperous, King Zbignew

[FactionHeir]

We are greatly displeased that Denmark would assassinate one of Our diplomats. Your diplomats are now no longer welcome on Our soil.

[Askthepizzaguy]

We have nothing much to discuss with the black hand of Sicily anyway. We would not wish to have diplomats near your land.

I doubt if our ambassador to Rome would ever make it back alive.

[Csargo]

We wish to ask the Danish King to not kill Sicilian agents on the Empire's soil. If they continue then I will retort with what I feel is necessary force.

[Askthepizzaguy]

As you wish, Emperor. Personally I wouldn't want their "diplomats" spying in my lands... but you have every right to police the action in your Empire.

[FactionHeir]

As that matter seems settled, we now request that due compensation in the form of 700 florins be made by Denmark for the loss of our men on neutral soil who have not trespassed into Denmark.

[Askthepizzaguy]

The Sicilian mobster will receive no such compensation. You will have to pry it from our cold, dead hands.

[FactionHeir]

As We are a reasonable nation, We shall allow you 6 years to arrange the compensation for the families of the men you have murdered so cold bloodedly. We understand that you may yet the see the wisdom in keeping our relations amiable.

[Askthepizzaguy]

I would be willing to compensate the "nation" of Sicily for their dead once they compensate the families of those they assassinated and also paid tribute to their neighboring states for breaking agreements and spying on them. Unless such a thing happens, we have nothing to discuss.

Until they become a nation which keeps its agents inside their own borders, I feel no choice but to defend ours with whatever actions are necessary.

[FactionHeir]

We have already made amends and agreements with all those we have harmed.
Also, our agents have been granted right of passage and practice within those lands they currently are stationed in.

As your requirements are fulfilled, we shall be expecting the compensation from you soon.

[Askthepizzaguy]

That's so sweet. The Black Hand has compensated those they have harmed. Perhaps we have nothing to fear from the Sicilian Empire after all.

Until my allies have informed me that your agents are not in their lands and that they HAVE been compensated justly for your actions, I will do nothing to repair our relations. It is you who have trespassed upon others, and now you are facing the scorn and isolation you deserve from nations brave enough to no longer tolerate it.

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

this is all in-character of course. Frankly I'm so bored here in Scandinavia that all I can do is antagonize the greatest empire on earth for their misdeeds past and see what happens. Nothing against you personally, FH!

[FactionHeir]

OOC: Of course. And Sicily just needs to show that it won't cave in to minor factions threatening it

[Askthepizzaguy]

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

OOC- Frankly I'm surprised you don't just ignore our less than threatening demands and our silly posturing. I do wonder why you had diplomats near my territory, as you could simply communicate with me via the diplomat in Rome, and there was no need to send diplomats so far north to communicate with the HRE or Scotland either. In other words, we both know your actions are more than a little suspicious.

Minor factions??? How absurd! The Danes are the greatest nation on Earth, and you will BOW before our mighty.... town militia.

[FactionHeir]

OOC: Actually I don't have diplomats down south (Italy) and west (France). Those were on their way there from Riga and Thorn.... with the added bonus of taunting you of course. But you don't know that

[Askthepizzaguy]

Kind of hard to taunt when their heads have been ripped off...

[Askthepizzaguy]

(ic)

Grave news, my lords and allies.

Sicily has ostensibly begun their plan to assassinate their rivals. If you don't have about 10 spies around all your family members, I advise you to get them there fast.

Here is proof of a deep penetration by sicilian agents near my territory, while technically in HRE lands they are within striking distance and weren't training.

They were either after Scotland, HRE, Poland, or Denmark, and in all cases this is unacceptible.

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

Having a level 10 assassin near my lands is the same as a declaration of war, considering we arent neighbouring factions.



A level 6 spy ready to probe my lands and also caught spying on their ally, HRE. Unacceptible.



Another hired killer on its way north... you can't expect me to believe it was heading south.

This was no "training" mission, and I'm afraid the threat to our national security is too great. I cannot have a "King Killer" Level 10 assassin ANYWHERE near my lands, and given Sicily's track record, how could the HRE afford to have them there either?

If the HRE welcomes these assassins into their lands, then they must welcome the deaths of Poland or Denmark, and I'm afraid in both of those scenarios I would still have to defend myself and my ally. If the HRE doesnt want them, I've just done them a huge favor.

Needless to say, the Sicilian Spy and Assassin which were not on any training mission were both dispatched, but another Assassin further south and perhaps others (possibly 30 more) are on their way.

Sicily has apparently decided to assassinate our faction to death, the coward's way. Why not face my troops on the field of battle instead, like men! If it is war that you seek, I propose that we meet on the battlefield, your best stack against my best. Or you can always just sit at home drinking wine and paying others to do your conquering for you!

[FactionHeir]

King Simon of the Sicilian Empire is most insulted by the Danish assassinations of Our men who had express permission of the Holy Roman Emperor and the King of Scotland to train on local rebels who are devastating their lands and to then denounce Us, the Sicilian Empire, of behind behind some cowardly ploy to kill your petty tribes, as if you had been worth Our attention!

As the Holy Roman Emperor has announced last year, he wished no further attacks on Our men on his soil. The actions of your Danish tribes go against this and will be met with Our wrath unless immediate restitution is made to both the Holy Roman Empire and to the Sicilian Empire.

Failure to do so will certainly have the blessing of all our allies to advance Our forces upon your backwards villages.

[Askthepizzaguy]

The Danish ambassador speaks:

As proven above, that assassin was on no training mission.

And those rebels are not devastating the lands of the Holy Roman Emperor at all, as can be plainly seen by the evidence.

You can lie to my face all you want, but we will not sit here like idiots while your assassins attempt to destroy our nation.

I would be willing to make restitution to my ally the Holy Roman Emperor, who has my profuse apologies for this necessary action, but not to the Black Hand of Sicily.

[FactionHeir]

Then why were Our assassin and Our spy standing right next to that rebel commander when you wantonly slew them in cold blood? Will you answer Us that?
As you have no further vision into the Empire's lands, let Us inform you that there is another rebel commander south of the you you can see.

Now, We await your restitution for your repeated insults to Our Empire.

[Askthepizzaguy]

(ic)

There will be no such restitution. The assassin was fully trained. It didn't need any training.

We tire of this debate. The evidence is clear, our reasoning has been made public, and our stance against Sicilian aggression is resolute.

You can play the wounded warrior, but you don't do it very well. I sincerely doubt anyone here thinks that Denmark is in any position to pick on the mighty Sicilian Empire, or that you had legitimate reasons to send assassins so close to my King and spies so close to my capital, permission from the Kaiser or no permission from the Kaiser.

I will say it again, we do not apologize to you for the deaths of your hired murderers and sabateurs, and we never will.

If this causes the end of my friendship with the Kaiser, that is for him to say, and it will sadden me. However, I will not allow myself to be slain in the middle of the night just to please a friend. I am not an idiot, and you speak as if I were. Everything you say appears to be false pretense and intentional misdirection, while we have been open and honest about our motivations, and warned you to never send assassins near our lands.

We will gladly incur the wrath of your armies or any other, but we will do battle on the field as gentleman, not fall at the hands of your killers.

Go and boil your bottoms.

[FactionHeir]

Does it come to your mind that because of said training that the man had perfected his skills? Obviously not!

If you refuse to pay restitution and apologize to Our nation and Our allies who you have insulted so, We see no other way but to hereby accept your declaration of war and send Our troops to battle.

[Askthepizzaguy]

(ic)

The likelihood of your agent reaching his mastery of his craft at the precise moment I detected him so close to our lands, when there are plenty of other rebels to train against much closer to your home, is so farfetched that I think a babbling idiot would have difficulty accepting that scenario as plausible.

Why don't you simply declare your true intentions? Have the manhood to admit your plan! Do you truly fear any of us anymore? Just tell us that you're going to conquer the world, and there's nothing we can do about it!

Apparently between the two of us, the King of Denmark is the only one with any cojones.

[FactionHeir]

We tire of your baseless accusations and your failure to see reason behind Our words of truth.
If your backward township had extended only further, you would have found that with exception of a camp in Southern France who are remnants of the late Portuguese royal family, there are no rebels in Our lands for we keep Our populace ruly and satisfied.

Now, will you stand there and taunt Us or acknowledge your error like the woman you are?

[Askthepizzaguy]

(ic)

I really hope you realize that you're the only one you're fooling. It's as plain as the stench on your breath that you're plotting something devious and evil. I'm just not frightened of you and I'm willing to point out that the emperor of Sicily has no clothes, and no balls.

We know that our fate is inevitable, as your forces are already massed for an assault against us. This turn of events was no surprise to you, and you prompted it yourself.

That being said, we won't sit here with a thumb in our arse every time you send an agent against us. Since you are prepared to do battle, I will meet you there and have your head. When this war is over, all is said and done, all the dust has settled, all the smoke has cleared, and the millions and millions of Europeans who live free and not under your dastardly rule are done chanting my name, your King will still be reviled, my right to self-defense will be upheld, and you will still be a hermaphrodite with no testicles.

So go do what the beastly ones do and go fornicate yourself. I'm sure your offspring cannot be any more disfigured than you!

[Csargo]

I did give the Sicilian King permission to train his agents on rebels in my land. Though as far as the Danish agent killing one of the Sicilian agents has nothing to do with me. You can decide what needs to be done, I will have no part in these petty squabbles.

[Askthepizzaguy]

(ic)

If you refuse to pay restitution and apologize to Our nation and Our allies who you have insulted so, We see no other way but to hereby accept your declaration of war and send Our troops to battle.

You don't frighten us, Norman pig-dogs! I unclog my nose at you, so-called Simon King, you and all your silly Sicilian k-nnnnniggets. I fart in your general direction! So, you think you could out-clever us Danish folk with your silly swords-drawn ship-boarding invasion behavior?! I wave my private parts at your aunties, you cheesy lot of second-hand electric donkey-bottom biters. I burst my pimples at you and call your cessation of assassination request a silly thing, you tiny-brained wipers of other people's bottoms! Yes, depart a lot at this time and cut the approaching any more, or we fire arrows at the tops of your heads and make castanets out of your testicles already! And now, remain gone, illegitimate-faced bugger-folk! And, if you think you got a nasty taunting this time, you ain't heard nothing yet, dappy Norman k-nnniggets! Thpppt!


<----knnnigget