Re: Pirate Ninja Robot Zombie Mafia IN SPACE [IN PLAY]
LE WRITE-UP
[SLEEP CYCLE 5]
The crew had settled in well on their new ship. It was light-years more advanced than the old Galactic Chutzpah, which was unbelievable not because the Chutzpah had been state of the art, but because nobody measured technological advancement in light-years. Nobody but the Space Whales, that is.
And it was easy to see where all the extra light-years had gone into it. This ship was almost three times the size of their old one, but it was both faster and handled better under fire. And speaking of firepower – it had some incredible guns.
But Montmorency wasn’t concerned with any of that. Most of the crew had taken up rooms in the Harpoon, but he was in the Orb, which served as a command center for the massive structure. There was no better place to put a command center than where all of the knowledge in the universe lay at your fingertips.
And Montmorency was concerned with a specific area of that knowledge – namely, the future. He had always thought it fishy that his comrade Askthepizzaguy’s body had been found with little sign that he had struggled, sitting at a computer terminal – and even stranger that all the computers in the room had been destroyed before they found him. Something didn’t add up. He had seen something he wasn’t supposed to see.
So Montmorency was sitting as his own terminal in the Orb of Bleep-Gluggoth, a terminal they had quickly deemed the Question Box, because it answered whatever question you typed into it. So Montmorency typed in his question.
What was Askthepizzaguy viewing on his computer right before he died?
The Question Box took a few seconds to formulate its response, and then it spat out the answer.
https://forums.totalwar.org/vb/showt...-SPACE-IN-PLAY
Curious… that was a domain name that Montmorency had in no way, shape, or form ever seen before. Montmorency clicked the link. It appeared to be one of Askthepizzaguy’s infamous gaming websites. He was always trying to shove them down his fellow Space Cadets' throats, but they never really caught on. It was well known that Askthepizzaguy was crazy, even for a Space Cadet. But as Montmorency started reading more, he began to notice some strange coincidences… it soon became clear to him that this was a log of their adventures in space so far – but from the length of the thread, it continued far beyond the point they had already reached.
But what terrified Montmorency most was the author’s name: Chaotix. Surely it couldn’t have been their beloved autopilot? But who else could know all of these things had transpired? He had to warn the rest of the crew. Montmorency moved to stand up…
And found himself pinned to the chair, a katana blade poking through his belly.
“N-Ninjaaa…”
“Ninja? Not quite. Those days of needlessly flipping out are over. I’m much more dangerous than just any old Ninja. You might call me a Shinobi.”
The Shinobi walked around to the side of the chair and put a hand on Montmorency’s shoulder. The other stuck a kunai right into Montmorency’s hand. The poor Space Cadet gasped in pain.
“Interesting story you’ve got up here, bud. Let’s see how it ends.”
Using the kunai, the Shinobi stuck Montmorency’s hand onto the mouse and then began to swivel it around. Soon he reached the last page. Montmorency looked up at the Shinobi. He couldn’t see his face, but he recognized those eyes.
“Oh, wow. Well, I wouldn’t have predicted that would happen. Something to look forward to, I guess. Well, me anyway. Not you.”
And with that, the Shinobi slashed open Montmorency’s throat with a knife and left the room.
---
Major Robert Dump was in his quarters.
He had transferred all of his artifacts and potions and poultices from his old room, and they decked out this one quite nicely. He had left some things behind, but at the very least he had the prudence to bring most of it with him on the Shuttlemarine.
First and foremost of his collection was the Space Bible, an original leather-bound copy. These days not many still followed the Space Religion any more, mostly because nobody hadn’t any clue what it was all about. But Major Robert Dump was devout. Not because he had any clue what it was all about (he didn’t), but because there were all sorts of cool gadgets and methods of killing various kinds of Space Demons once you got pretty involved with it. He had been pretty annoyed that somebody had gotten to that Zombie before he could do his thing – if he ever found the shady crook, he would give him what-for.
As it happens, he would have a chance to give him what-for after all, because the Shinobi was in his room.
EXORCIST VS SHINOBI
Suddenly the bed exploded as the Shinobi burst right up through it screaming something fierce. Major Robert Dump jumped out of his seat, shocked, and barely had time to pull out his Space Vampire-Killer Whip before the Shinobi was descending on him. With a deft flick of his wrist, he snapped the outstretched katana right out of his hands. While he did that he thought of what a shame it was that there were no vampires in this game.
“How did you even get in here anyway?”
“A magician never reveals his secrets.”
“I thought you weren’t supposed to be a magician?”
“Same concept, you doof. God, you religious types are just so out of the loop.”
Then, like a magician, the Shinobi conjured a quarterstaff out of nowhere.
“There’s only one place you could have been hiding that thing.”
“You wish you could hide your thing where I hid this thing.”
“What?”
“You wish you could whip it out whenever you wanted and completely take me off guard.”
“WHOA, what? What are we suggesting here?”
But the Exorcist never got an answer, because by then the Ninja was pressing the attack. The staff had a long reach and the Shinobi had a tight grip on it, so he couldn’t lash it out of his hands. But he could mess with him.
Once he managed to get a good grip on the staff with the whip, and then he followed up by grabbing the other end with his hand. The two struggled for a minute, and then the Shinobi bashed Major Robert Dump in the face with the center of the staff and he was thrown off, his nose sputtering blood.
Then, quick as lightning the Exorcist lashed out and struck the Shinobi right in the hand. The Shinobi shouted a loud expletive that could not be posted on this website and grabbed his hand, in pain. Then MRD followed up with a strike to the shins. When the Shinobi doubled over, MRD kicked him right in the face.
Or so he thought. The Shinobi exploded in a puff of smoke. Then, coughing and sputtering, the Exorcist felt a sharp pain in his back and breathing on the back of his neck.
“How… did you do that?”
A soft voice whispered back into his ear.
“I told you. A magician never reveals his secrets.”
---
When the crew got up, they were somehow not surprised to see that they were two less than when they went to sleep. A few of them even claimed they thought they knew it was going to happen, kind of like déjà vu. Perhaps it was the Orb rubbing off its magic on them. But there was nothing they could do.
They all looked at the projector screen in the Orb to see was looked like a blue planet, straight ahead of them. But when it zoomed out, thousands and thousands of asteroids lay between them and it. The autopilot, CHAOTIX, spoke up.
“Attention Cadets. On this planet lies a portal to the Plane of the Great Ones. The Space Krakens will do everything they can to stop you from reaching it. Currently they have commandeered the Asteroid Belt and are sending it straight towards you.”
Most of the Space Cadets looked dismayed. The Captain smiled that sharp, shrewd smile of his.
“What do we have at our disposal, CHAOTIX?”
“The Harpoon is armed with all manner of weaponry, from nuclear missiles to phazon cannons to a molecular de-stabilizer ray. You could simply blast your way through the asteroid belt, though it would require one person to keep an eye on the gun engines to make sure they do not overheat.”
“That sounds like a death sentence if I ever heard one. There must be another way.”
“The Orb can tell you exactly how to steer the ship so that you can avoid every single asteroid they throw at you. You will need to delegate one person to steer the ship, of course.”
“Wait, can’t you just do that?”
“Umm… no?”
“You’re an autopilot. You're supposed to pilot spaceships. And why don’t you sound like a computer?”
“crap crap crap I HAVE NOT BEEN CALIBRATED TO FLY THIS SHIP WITH PRECISE MOVEMENTS YET DO YOU HEAR ME THIS IS MY COMPUTER VOICE SYSTEM ERROR: REBOOT REQUIRED.”
“Wow. He’s never crashed before. That’s odd. Somebody go reboot him. Anyway, we’ve got the guns, the Orb… what’s this trigger here? It says ‘LAUNCH HARPOON’. How can we launch something from the inside? And why would it be on the Orb if these are two separate artifacts? Guess there’s only one way to figure that out. Let’s get to work, crew. We need a volunteer no matter what we do, and we need a plan of action.”
---
Alive: 10/28
atheotes
classical_hero
Choxorn
edse
Ironside
Jarema
SalmonSoil
The King
wideyedwanderer
Visorslash
Not Alive: 18/28
Zaccino - Space Cadet - Immortal, but eaten by a Space Whale
autolycus - Space Cadet - Bit off more than he could chew
Askthepizzaguy - Space Cadet - Died in madness having seen the future
Memnon - Zombie - Together he stood, divided he fell
Jolt - Pirate Ninja Robot Zombie - In the Cooler. The Space Cooler.
DaveShack - Space Cadet - Sleeping with the dinosaurs and the sharks
Arjos - Space Cadet - Got ding-dong ditched, extreme edition
Seon - Samurai - Was bested by the Western men and their guns
woad&fangs - Space Cadet - He couldn't change time, but time has changed him
Csargo - Space Cadet - Is popular. Too popular.
thefluffyone93 - Pirate - Is a good chum.
Double A - Space Cadet - Is feeling a little crabby
dcmort93 - Space Cadet - Made the tastiest morsel of them all. A dcmortsel.
Greyblades - Faded into nothingness and was replaced [Ironside]
robbiecon - Space Cadet - Has returned back to his basics
BSmith - Robot - Free to do all the math he wants in Robot heaven
Xehh II - Space Cadet - Quit while they were ahead
Montmorency - Space Cadet - Not sure right now. Try again later.
Major Robert Dump - Exorcist - Was caught off guard by the man in the shadows and his big stick
The Space Cadets' Reserve
johnhughthom
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Originally Posted by Chaotix
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