The Godfather, Part 3 [Concluded]

[Andres]

Bah! Already we hear the lies from my opponent. He claims that I offer nothing for free, when that couldn't be further from the truth. I have laid out a specific and feasible plan to supply the entire town with free HD television and internet access! I have located a source of funding for this plan which would not raise taxes or otherwise harm the citizens in any way.

How does my honorable colleague intend to fund his 'presents'? I'll tell you how: TAXES! That's right, Andres will tax you until you DIE! You just watch; you'll see! His presents will be followed by a spate of deaths because the citizens will be unable to afford to buy the guns and body armor that would have ensured their own survival. I, on the other hand, will not only work hard to protect you, but will provide you with quality entertainment for free, at the cost of those rich outsiders who are such a hazard on our roads.

Ha! People need food and beer. Ever tried eating a HD television? Can you drink internet? No, of course not!

People would starve to dead watching their useless HD televisions or surfing the internet. You see, ladies and gentlemen, this TinCow wants all of you dead. Instead of killing you, he'll just let you starve! What a barbarian.

And this unnamed source? Obviously, Mister TinCow gets his money through illegal means. Don't elect this scumbag!

Elect me, your honest and friendly neighbour!

I am sponsored by my home country! Yes, all of this will be payed by Belgian taxpayers! It'll cost you, dear people of the Gameroom, nothing!

Elect : Andres and get free beer, free food and, if you're quick, a very interesting present

Hurray!

[TinCow]

Ha! People need food and beer. Ever tried eating a HD television? Can you drink internet? No, of course not!

My opponent offers free beer, yet has he not forgotten that many of the residents of this town are currently under the legal drinking age? Not only will his plan result in higher taxation, he will then exploit his power as Chief of Police to arrest those of you who are under the age of 21, and fine you even more money to escape imprisonment! Reject this tyranny of greed! Reject this Wall Street mentality of instant gratification at the cost of long-term development!

As I stated in my original speech, I will lower the drinking age, thus allowing our freedom-loving citizens to enjoy the benefits of a tasty brew. No more will men be drafted into our military to fight and die in a far away country, without ever having the pleasure of downing a cold one. TinCow will protect your lives and your freedoms!

[Sasaki Kojiro]

sent via pm instead

[GeneralHankerchief]

Nothing to see here.

[Sasaki Kojiro]

nevermind

[TinCow]

My opponent seems intent on further confusing you all. He states that he will give beer to underaged citizens, yet he says nothing about making underage drinking legal! This is either a devious plan of illegal entrapment, or he is intent on breaking the law! I will not break the law, I will uphold it. I will lower the drinking age so that consumption of alcoholic beverages is legal in the first place.

Surely, good citizens, you want a Chief of Police who will enforce the law, not break it! I am that man. Elect TinCow! (But vote for someone else.)

[Sasaki Kojiro]

GH I know you saw my post pre-edit, so I don't see why your ignoring my pm's. Or was that bit purposefully deceptive?

I generally prefer mafia style mafia.

[Askthepizzaguy]

I've spoken with my campaign team, and they have informed me that this is more or less a once in a lifetime election, one that I should really campaign hard for.

I wish to formally announce that I am indeed a candidate and I do want the position of Chief of Police. If I am elected, you can be sure that I will work day and night for the betterment of our wonderful town, and I can promise you victory over the mafia.

I also endorse Andres or Tincow for the position, should they be town's first choice.

I promise absolutely flawless attendance for this game, should you elect me. I will make this my priority, and I don't really have a life outside this office.

Elect Askthepizzaguy
for
Chief of Police

If elected, I will faithfully execute the office of Police Chief, and dedicate my unwavering enthusiasm and pro-town ideals to this office, for the remainder of my natural life.

If elected, I will put on a rubber gorilla mask and chase the mafia from this town myself.

If elected, I promise not to shave my eyebrows until everyone in town is safe.

If elected, I promise to return all the gold that I stole from that tanker when I was working as an FBI agent.

If elected, I promise to stop worshipping the supreme leader of the Cult of the Glorious Light, or only do it on the weekends when I am not being incinerated inside the sun.

If elected, I promise to make sure people are dead, instead of forgiving them for their lurking trespasses.

If elected, I will burn all the witches. Not just in this town, but on the face of the Earth.

If elected, everyone will receive a coupon for one free pizza from Shakey's Pizza.

If elected, I will refrain from wearing frilly undergarments and open-mouth kissing Andres in public.

If elected, I will demonstrate my insane skills on the harpsichord.

If elected, I will round up all the homeless squirrels and throw them in a wood chipper.

If elected, I will wear a bulletproof suit of armor at all times, even when it becomes an inconvenience, such as when I need to go to the bathroom, or when I want to make love to a pretty woman or a confused young man, or when I drink coffee and it spills down my suit of armor and burns my chest and genitalia, or when I do my morning trampoline exercises.

If elected, I will not protest should you decide to lynch me. I enjoy being dead anyways.

If elected, I will bring to justice those responsible for the murders which I am planning tonight.

If elected, I will not make ironic and self-incriminating jokes which actually serve to confuse and frighten townies instead of reassure them that the mafia, and me in particular, would never be that stupid, ballsy though I may be.

If elected, I will make it legal to marry a teddy bear. Because, quite frankly, wouldn't the world be a much better place if everyone snuggled a teddy bear before heading off to work?

If elected, I will use my super telepathic powers to identify all the mafia by the end of the game, as I always********* have. Please do not ask me what the asterisks mean.

If elected, I may in fact be more useful to you than I currently am.

If elected, I will never solicit illegal and sordid activity from others in the men's room, ever again.

Elect Askthepizzaguy for Chief of Police

He's only been a dangerous criminal a few times!

[Quintus.JC]

If elected, everyone will receive a coupon for one free pizza from Shakey's Pizza.

Uppen your offer to a life time supply then I'll consider it indefinitely.

[Askthepizzaguy]

Very well. Although it will bankrupt me, if it means that much to you.

Free Shakey's Pizza for everyone, and I'll even spring for chocolate sundays when we win the game.

[Quintus.JC]

Elect: APTG

Even though it will probably mean I will die of heart disease during the course of the game, a life time supply of fine food is simply an offer I can't refuse.

Edit: unless you can improve your offer Andres...

[Askthepizzaguy]

I might as well show my support by shamelessly voting for myself, unlike my honoured colleagues, who have generously refrained* from doing so.



Elect: Askthepizzaguy


Candidates: Standing (People who voted for them)

Tincow: 1 (Tincow)
Andres: 1 (Andres)
ATPG: 3 (Boudica, Quintus.JC, ATPG)
Glyphz: 1 (Jolt)
Seamus Fermanagh: 1 (seireikhaan)

[Askthepizzaguy]

Elect: APTG Edit: unless you can improve your offer Andres...

So, I haven't won your support just yet, but rest assured, Andres' offers of cookies and women will be doubled should I be elected.

All the cookies and women you can eat! And of course, men too, if that's what you prefer. Here's an obligatory link to the Hunk Thread for your viewing pleasure.

Oh, and for you others:


And something for you animal lovers. Revel in your sick pleasures.








By the way, the above could be misconstrued; I meant to say all the cookies you can eat, and also, women. Not for cannibalism, though. Please don't eat the ladies.