The Night Santa Went Crazy [Concluded]

[Askthepizzaguy]

If you need a new 2nd replacement, I'd be more than willing. Brilliant poem btw.

Consider it done! Now we are prepared for ANYTHING!

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

Even Apocalypse Scenario #887; Mass extinction due to heart attack during a spontaneous global love-fest.

[Centurion1]

alright i replaced subotan, you can call me subturion.

[Double A]

Hi subtorian.

[Askthepizzaguy]

'Twas the first night afterward, and Santa was still fuming
Even after dozens of shots that he'd been consuming
All through the night he'd heard Mrs. Claus whine
"Why don't you fix the garage, surely now's a good time?"
Well Santa Claus slept on the couch that same night
After he and Mrs. Claus had a rather large fight
There were broken bottles smashed all over the floor
Santa broke Christmas tree ornaments and called her a whore
She broke the television set and loudly replied
"Get in shape, you big whale, you're a continent wide!"
To which Santa said "See my butt? Pucker up and kiss 'er
And by the way, last week I slept with your sister!"
To which Mrs. Claus replied "Oh Santa, that's fine,
After all, last night I had my way with a whole chorus line.
But there's more, 'saint' Nick, you fat bearded creep,
with your favorite NFL team, I just happened to sleep
and when it was all done, they started to prance
and they performed their famous touchdown celebration dance.
You know, the one that they do when they score a goal?
Well you won't be scoring anytime soon, you nasty old troll!"
"Fine by me," Santa said, his face turning red,
"Even the goat knows how to give better affection."
Which doesn't quite rhyme, but you know what I meant.
Several warning points later, their fight was all done.
Both of them went to bed thinking that they had won,
But Santa Claus ponder'd, and he ponder'd some more,
his head filled with images of blood, guts, and gore.
He decided that the first reindeer that would die
wouldn't go easy, like with a bullet through the eye,
Oh no, Santa thought, something much more demonic
per'aps the execution should be a bit more ironic
What could serve a more fitting reminder
not to steal the dog food... perhaps a meat grinder
Yes, that would be the way; they would go in alive
And he'd grind and he'd grind, while they tried to survive
They'd go in hoof first, and it would take a while
He'd grind them with glee, a "ho ho" and a smile.
They'd scream as he'd grind, until they became meat
For Santa's dog Scrumptious: a sausage link treat!
And all the other reindeer would watch this in terror
Surely they would realize their rather grave error
And confess to breaking down Santa's garage door
Before they faced Santa's wrath like never before.
When he woke in the morning, he counted the votes,
Then he grabbed fat little Prancer while he was eating some oats
"Still hungry?" snorted Santa, and he held him by the ears,
and dragged him to the grinder, in front of his peers
Into the top of the grinding machine Prancer went.
There would be enough meat from his carcass 'till Lent!
The reindeer reacted naturally, with shock and surprise,
and white-knuckled terror as they witnessed Prancer's demise.
Over the sounds of the screams of bloodcurdling pain
Santa was laughing, he'd gone clearly insane.
When after this sadistic execution was complete
Santa whistled for Scrumptious "Here boy, come and eat!"
To add one more twist to Prancer's violent end,
All the other reindeer watched as the dog ate their friend.
As they began to vomit from this sickening sight,
Santa said "Merry Christmas, you vermin, I hope you sleep tight!"
The next day however, a few hours after dawn
Jolly Saint Nick saw that more kibble was gone
And again there were tracks leading back to the pen
So the reindeer would be forced to vote once again.

Alive: 6

Death is yonder
Captain Blackadder
Joooray
Centurion1 (Sub for 'otan)
Johnhughthom
Yaropolk

Dead: 1

Double A- Prancer



Okay folks, you have 24 hours to post and vote.

[Centurion1]

vote: doubleA

im pulling a pever here. you misspelled my aliases.

its subturion not subtorian.

why does this make me angry? i have no idea it just does.

no you will be punished

[Double A]

Even though he's not playing it, I was waiting till I was dead to say this:

Pevergreen

Also, this is the first time I've ever been random lynched. I don't know if I should be honored or disgusted...

[Askthepizzaguy]

I took it as an honor the first couple times. However it does get old, so I personally don't do "traditional" votes where I badger the same player over and over on round one. As long as it doesn't become a habit, dying every once in a while in the first round is fine.

[Centurion1]

oh wait youve already been lynched...... curses

unvote; vote: abstain

im an imbecile


but just so you know i would have voted you if you weren't.


oh and welcome to my world i get lynched early all the time. i basically cried in thermals game to escape it

[Double A]

Two can play at this game...

vote: Centurion

[Askthepizzaguy]

Actually there are six players remaining. Six.

[Double A]

You heard the man. Everyone vote for Cent.

[Centurion1]

by the way doublea is dead and a heathen so ignore him.

[Death is yonder]

Vote: Yaropolk

[Centurion1]

vote: diy

why sir can i have a reason?

[Double A]

by the way doublea is dead and a heathen so ignore him.

Ok don't listen to me.

vote: diy

why sir can i have a reason?

Not an OMGUS vote. Totally not guilty.

[Death is yonder]

vote: diy

why sir can i have a reason?

Unvote: Yaropolk

Vote: Centurion

Well sir, for this very post right here!

[Centurion1]

good reason

[Joooray]

I let DIY slip this round, for now at least and put some pressure back on Yaro.

So, Vote: Yaropolk. How does your tummy feel, buddy?

[Death is yonder]

Why are you letting me slip past, did I do something wrong?

Unvote: Centurion1
Vote: Yaropolk

Let me slip some more.

[Joooray]

Why are you letting me slip past, did I do something wrong?

Unvote: Centurion1
Vote: Yaropolk

Let me slip some more.

Man, I think whatever affects the Server has also cought on to me. Of course I meant Centurion1.

[Yaropolk]

Vote DIY cause I ain't the killa!

[johnhughthom]

Vote: Diy


Make up your mind!

[Death is yonder]

I already did! Now my vote will be staying on Yaropolk.

Begone you evil bandwagon attempt you! Begone!

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

Vote DIY cause I ain't the killa!

You ate the dog food

[Askthepizzaguy]

With 5 out of 6 votes cast, Death is yonder is in the lead. Writeup to follow.

Death is yonder: 3 (C1, Yaro, JHT)
Yaropolk: 2 (JOO, DIY)

[Askthepizzaguy]

Forum is wacky, sorry for the delay, obviously DIY is lynched but I can't do the writeup while the .org is in its present state.

When it's working again, the game will continue (you're not done yet). So feel free to vote when you can.




Alive: 5

Captain Blackadder
Joooray
Centurion1 (Sub for 'otan)
Johnhughthom
Yaropolk

Dead: 2

Double A- Prancer
Death is yonder- Cupid

[Askthepizzaguy]

With the .org back up and running, I will endeavor to complete the customary poem for this round as soon as I take a break from RE:DF character cards, but this next round has begun. Please post and vote; you have 24 hours. I hope everyone knows the .org is working again.

[johnhughthom]

I will endeavor to complete the customary poem for this round

You mean you're writing these on the fly?

[Askthepizzaguy]

Yes, I usually spend about 30 minutes writing the poem after I see what you guys did.

Obviously the poem has to somewhat reflect the events of the round, so I can't write it beforehand.

And the poem you see is only the first draft because I don't have time for re-writes. It's just my way of entertaining myself and escaping from the world of horror in the Resident Evil game. Keeps my spirits up.

[Askthepizzaguy]

"Twas the second night since the theiving, and Santa went looney
Have you seen The Langoliers? Yeah, kinda like Craig Toomey.
All day long Santa's missus was on his case,
And he was getting tired of seeing her grumpy old face.
"Do the dishes! Shovel the driveway! Polish the frickin' sleigh!"
Santa replied, "Shush, you wench! Go gargle in the bidet!"
But soon Santa dashed, Santa dashed to his sled,
as Mrs. Claus threw ornaments and knives at his head.
As he sat in his sleigh, "ho, ho, ho..." hissed the elf;
"I heard that!" yelled his wife, "go jingle yourself!"
Santa sat, bells freezing off, as he cracked open a beer
Wondering just when, in his life, that he married a steer.
A cow, rather, whose udders had long dried;
A heifer with wrinkles and pimples and boils on her hide.
A hoofed mammal, Nick huffed, his thoughts turning snide,
A large cud-chewing bovine; a wicked wretch of a bride.
"Why didn't I marry that tooth fairy?" Santa started to ponder,
Then he checked the tally; it was time to kill Death is yonder.
"But how to kill him?" Santa wondered, and he wondered some more,
how to turn into a delight what might have once been a chore.
"I think that it is time to make the furry ones cry
I think I'll light them up, just like the Fourth of July!
Grinding them up into hamburger was surely fun,
But an explosion or two just couldn't be outdone!
In their pen, those reindeer will wish they'd have stayed,
To their reindeer gods they will wish to have prayed,
They will rue the day their master was betrayed,
When they see Santa's Naughty Kid Annihilating, Rocket-propelled Grenade!
The launcher was thirty seven point four inches in length
The warhead was of terrifying, unstoppable strength
It had a maximum range of one thousand yards
On its length there was written "Santa sends his regards"
Santa had shown it to his nephew, and to his nieces
And now he'd show everyone how to blow caribou to pieces
It could incinerate tanks, and all manner of personnel
It could surely send naughty reindeer directly to "heck"
It could blow their meat clean off of their bones
It could darn all their souls in fire and brimstone
Santa's eyes twinkled and he laughed with delight
As he pictured reindeer dancing, their bodies alight
The furry ones fleeing, and screaming with fright
Burning in sheer agony... oh boy, what a sight!
So he grabbed his RPG, and he strapped it on tight
And he went off to end a reindeer's life that same night.
He kicked open the pen, and he roared a loud roar
He said "You'd better flee, I must politely implore
Because very soon there will be carnage galore
And you'll taste Santa's wrath like never before!"
So Dasher went dashing, and Comet went streaking
And down Donner's legs, much urine was leaking
As Vixen creeped away, tiptoe-ing and sneaking,
Whilst Blitzen was too busy, blubbering, and shrieking.
Cupid tried in vain to escape, but he was just freaking
Because Saint Nick found the reindeer that he was now seeking
O'er the fence Cupid bounded; he scampered off and took flight
But Santa calmly set the furry reindeer in his sights
He aimed directly at the reindeer's tail so white
And incinerated lil' Cupid with a massive fireball that night.
All across the North Pole, in the fresh fallen snow
There were scattered Cupid's ashes, still faintly aglow.
Santa's evil deed done, he went back to his sleigh,
His boar of a wife several hundred yards away,
He slept in his sled until the night became day
And when he awoke, he saw with dismay
That during the night more kibble went away
At least one of the remaining reindeer would soon pay
Today they would vote, and they would debate
Which reindeer among them would suffer poor Cupid's fate.

There we go.... Hope it's satisfactory.

[Death is yonder]

Satisfactory indeed,



Fellow reindeer, good luck and maybe you won't just become mincemeat