^^^^ CR that is freakin' hilarious.
Re: Let's do some jokes.
^^^^ CR that is freakin' hilarious.
"He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain that which he cannot lose." *Jim Elliot*
Re: Let's do some jokes.
hmmmm........................................................................npe....im dry....
...wait...nope...
...
...
...
TosaInu shall never be forgotten.
Re: Let's do some jokes.
So 3 men are in Hell, and the Devil says "OK, you can go to Heaven if you make me do three things: make me say 'ow', make me mad, and make me say 'no'"
So the first trial, the first man hits the Devil in the face, and the Devil shrugs. The next guy hits the Devil in the chest, and the Devil shrugs. The thrid guy hits the Devil in the balls, and he says "OW!"
So the second trial, the first man said "You're gay!" and the Devil said "So?". The next man said "You're mother is so fat, she makes whales look skinny" and the Devil shrugged. The third man said "HAHA! I hit you in the balls!" and the Devil gets angry.
So the last trial, the first man said "Are you gay?" and the Devil said "Yes". The second man said "Are you scared of anything?" and the Devil said "Yes". The third man ran at the devil with his leg behind him and kicked at the air right in front of the Devil and the Devil said "NO!!!".
Re: Let's do some jokes.
Originally Posted by Patriarch of Constantinople
That one is good....
TosaInu shall never be forgotten.
Re: Let's do some jokes.
(Un-Frontroomish post - Beirut)
Last edited by Beirut; 01-30-2007 at 03:58.
Re: Let's do some jokes.
Gentlemen,
Discretion please!
Unto each good man a good dog
Re: Let's do some jokes.
Awwwwwwwww
Re: Let's do some jokes.
Ghandi was a holy man, and walked everywhere barefooted. He also adhered to a skinney-ing, spartan diet, which though healthy, reportedly caused bad breath.
So he was
A Super-Callused-Fragile-Mystic-with-Extreme-Halitosis.
might not translate well to those under 40.
Be well. Do good. Keep in touch.
Re: Let's do some jokes.
Don't worry, I get it KuriKhan!
Dawn is nature's way of telling you to go back to bed
Re: Let's do some jokes.
Coat offered, taxi called.
There are times I wish they’d just ban everything- baccy and beer, burgers and bangers, and all the rest- once and for all. Instead, they creep forward one apparently tiny step at a time. It’s like being executed with a bacon slicer.
“Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it whether it exists or not, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedy.”
To learn who rules over you, simply find out who you are not allowed to criticise.
"The purpose of a university education for Left / Liberals is to attain all the politically correct attitudes towards minorties, and the financial means to live as far away from them as possible."
Re: Let's do some jokes.
Well you know Gandhi had a cousin who worked in the Ritz Hotel in London as a doorman. He was called Mahatmacoat Gandhi.
www.thechap.net
"We were not born into this world to be happy, but to do our duty." Bismarck
"You can't be a successful Dictator and design women's underclothing. One or the other. Not both." The Right Hon. Bertram Wilberforce Wooster
"Man, being reasonable, must get drunk; the best of life is but intoxication" - Lord Byron
"Where men are forbidden to honour a king they honour millionaires, athletes, or film-stars instead: even famous prostitutes or gangsters. For spiritual nature, like bodily nature, will be served; deny it food and it will gobble poison." - C. S. Lewis
Re: Let's do some jokes.
True story.
Inverness Caledonian Thistle, a lower division Scottish football team known by their nickname "Caley", beat Celtic, the biggest club in Scotland, in a cup tie in 2000. A newspaper reported the match under the headline,
"Super Caley go ballistic, Celtic are atrocious".
Re: Let's do some jokes.
OK if corny jokes are allowed.....
What was Ghandis first name?
Goosey Goosey.
I'll get in the same taxi as Kukri.
There are times I wish they’d just ban everything- baccy and beer, burgers and bangers, and all the rest- once and for all. Instead, they creep forward one apparently tiny step at a time. It’s like being executed with a bacon slicer.
“Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it whether it exists or not, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedy.”
To learn who rules over you, simply find out who you are not allowed to criticise.
"The purpose of a university education for Left / Liberals is to attain all the politically correct attitudes towards minorties, and the financial means to live as far away from them as possible."
Re: Let's do some jokes.
Better make it a limo; we'll call it the Cornball Express.OK if corny jokes are allowed.....
I'll get in the same taxi as Kukri.
Just to confirm my entrance ticket:
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee".
The husband said, " You are in charge of the cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No you should do it, and besides it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, " I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and shows him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says:
"HEBREWS"
--------------------
:piles himself into the backseat:
Be well. Do good. Keep in touch.
Re: Let's do some jokes.
Oh come on!!! Whats Cornier than look down your shirt and spell attic! Or what about "vampires suck"!!!???
TosaInu shall never be forgotten.
Re: Let's do some jokes.
This just so, so...
Stupid and yet...
HILARIOUS!
Andres is our Lord and Master and could strike us down with thunderbolts or beer cans at any time. ~Askthepizzaguy
Ja mata, TosaInu
Re: Let's do some jokes.
Um diddle diddle diddle um diddle ay
Um diddle diddle diddle um diddle ay
Because I was afraid to speak
When I was just a lad
My father gave me nose a tweak
And told me I was bad
But then one day I learned a word
That saved me aching nose
The biggest word I ever heard
And this is how it goes:
Super-Callused-Fragile-Mystic-with-Extreme-Halitosis
under 40 and German
Singleplayer: Download beta_8
Multiplayer: Download beta_5.All.in.1
I'll build a mountain of corpses - Ogami Itto, Lone Wolf & Cub
Sometimes standing up for your friends means killing a whole lot of people - Sin City, by Frank Miller
Re: Let's do some jokes.
An old blind man is standing on a street corner with his dog, when all of a sudden, the dog picks up his hind leg and pees all over the side of the old man's jeans. Then the old man reaches into his pocket, holds out a treat and gives it to the dog.
A business man walking down the street sees this happen and went over to the old man and asked, "Sir, do you know that your dog just peed all over your jeans?"
The old man says, "Yes sir i do."
"Then why are you giving him a treat and rewarding him?"
The old man says, "I'm not rewarding him, i'm just trying to find his head so i can kick his @$$!"
TO MODERATORS: If you have some trouble with me posting the last word like that, please feel free to change it as you see fit. I just tried to find a way to not actually post the word but the joke sounds better when its there.
I'd hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat.
Self-proclaimed member who wishes more than anyone else that they looked like their avatar 2007.
Re: Let's do some jokes.
Soon as I read that I called my boss, he's a Jehova's Witness, and told him the joke.
"So, two Jehova's Witnesses were having an argument about who makes the coffee... "
He loved it.
Unto each good man a good dog
Re: Let's do some jokes.
A young man and his new bride return home from their honeymoon. Thinking he better lay down the law quickly, he decides to declare the 'rules of the kingdom' on the first morning. He walks into the kitchen wearing his shirt, tie, shoes, socks and undies, but carrying his pants. He tosses them to his wife, who's wearing a nightshirt. "Here, honey, put these on", he calls out as he tosses them to her. Not understanding what he was up to, the wife indeed tries to slide her husbands pants up. She buttons them, and they immediately slide to the floor. She laces her husband's belt around them, but no luck, same result. She tries and tries, but she can't get the pants to stay up. She hands them back to him and says "I can't wear these". He says "That's right, I wear the pants in this family. And because I do, I'm in charge. From now on, you'll have breakfast waiting for me when I wake up, and dinner waiting when I come home. You'll pack my lunch. You'll keep the house immaculate, you'll bring me a nice stiff drink and the paper, and you'll not bother me for the first hour after I arrive home in the evening. If I want it, you had better be ready to have nookie at any time". With that said, he smiles smugly, kisses her on the cheek, and drives off to work.
When he arrives home, he notices his wife has been a busy bee. She has done all the laundry from the trip. She has dinner on the stove, including a fresh baked desert. She hands him his slippers and the paper and brings a nice glass of bourbon in to him. The man smiles and hums softly to himself. "Aaah, paradise". After dinner, the wife stands up and clears all the dishes. She returns to the table and drops her thong underwear into his lap. "What are these for?" he asks, grinning. "Put them on, honey" she giggles. He figures it's a game and what the heck, and proceeds to try. No use. He can barely get them to slide up to his knee, let alone up to his hips. "Sorry, honey, I can't get into these" he says and tosses them back.
"That's right" she says. "And until your attitude improves, you won't be any time soon".
"A man who doesn't spend time with his family can never be a real man."
Don Vito Corleone: The Godfather, Part 1.
"Then wait for them and swear to God in heaven that if they spew that bull to you or your family again you will cave there heads in with a sledgehammer"
Strike for the South
Re: Let's do some jokes.
A young Irish girl immigrates to America. She tries hard to settle into New York City, but she's desparately lonely and misses her family terribly. With no money to get home, she finally decides to end it all and throw herself off a bridge. Just as she's about to jump, a young sailor comes walking by. "Now, now, there Miss, what could be so awful?" he asks, pulling her back up onto the bridge. Tearfully, she explains her situation.
"Oh, is that all?" he laughs. I can fix that. I'm a sailor on a trans-Atlantic liner. We set sail this evening. I'll sneak you on board and you can hide in one of the lifeboats. I'll bring you food every day, and you can stretch your legs at night. Provided, of course, you'll find a way to uhm, "entertain me as repayment", he says, and winks at her. As he's a rather attractive fellow, and he's offering her the answer to her prayers, she gratefully agrees.
So, the girl boards the ship. All is well for several days. Her sailor-boyfriend comes by with food and for a quickie. Then one day, during a routine drill, a different deck hand discovers her. "Hey there, you stowaway..." he calls out, "what's this about?" She explains that she had been suicidal, and the sailor had offered to bring her aboard, stow her away and bring her food. "And, he's screwing me", she says. "He certainly is", says the deckhand. "This is the Staten Island Ferry".
"A man who doesn't spend time with his family can never be a real man."
Don Vito Corleone: The Godfather, Part 1.
"Then wait for them and swear to God in heaven that if they spew that bull to you or your family again you will cave there heads in with a sledgehammer"
Strike for the South
Re: Let's do some jokes.
There are times I wish they’d just ban everything- baccy and beer, burgers and bangers, and all the rest- once and for all. Instead, they creep forward one apparently tiny step at a time. It’s like being executed with a bacon slicer.
“Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it whether it exists or not, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedy.”
To learn who rules over you, simply find out who you are not allowed to criticise.
"The purpose of a university education for Left / Liberals is to attain all the politically correct attitudes towards minorties, and the financial means to live as far away from them as possible."
Re: Let's do some jokes.
Warning: Mildly offensive redneck humor to be found herein. Beirut, if it's too much, go ahead and delete it...
Spoiler Alert, click show to read:
Last edited by Don Corleone; 01-31-2007 at 18:14.
"A man who doesn't spend time with his family can never be a real man."
Don Vito Corleone: The Godfather, Part 1.
"Then wait for them and swear to God in heaven that if they spew that bull to you or your family again you will cave there heads in with a sledgehammer"
Strike for the South
Re: Let's do some jokes.
Nice ones Tom!
Re: Let's do some jokes.
A rich old oilman, 73 years old at the time, takes a local dancer from a gentleman's club as a wife, she being all of 23 at the time. He is happy, and very pleased when their union produces a child. He goes in for his checkup shortly after the birth of the child. Upon examining the oilman's vital signs, his blood pressure, and doing some blood work, he asks the oilman to meet him in his office.
"Bob", the doctor begins, "we've been friends for what 60 years"? "Something like that, Tom" the oilman replies. "You were in my wedding, you helped me buy my house and finish my degree. I was there for you when your first wife died. We're like brothers, right Bob?". "Of course", the oilman said. "Go ahead and tell me what you have to say".
"Well, Bob, it's like this. I've been looking at your testoserone levels, and.... you know what, let's try this a different way. Davey Crocket and Jim Bowie are standing on the shore of a pond. They see a beaver crawl across the top of it's lodge. Davie fires a shot and bam, the beaver drops, from 300 yards away. He hands the rifle to Jim Bowie. Jim quickly determines that the sighting on the rifle is signficantly off, certainly by 5 to 10 yards over a 300 yard trajctory. What's more, there's a hole in the firing pan of the rifle, so that back pressure won't form properly and a bullet would have a very low velocity. Finally, the firing pin was worn down, and couldn't have possibly ignited the primer. Jim handed the rifle back to Davie and says "that wasn't your kill". What do you say Bob..."
Without thinking twice, Bob answers "I'd say somebody else shot that beaver".
"That's what I'm trying to tell you, Bob".
"A man who doesn't spend time with his family can never be a real man."
Don Vito Corleone: The Godfather, Part 1.
"Then wait for them and swear to God in heaven that if they spew that bull to you or your family again you will cave there heads in with a sledgehammer"
Strike for the South
Re: Let's do some jokes.
heh, I always heard it "Super-Callused-Fragile-Mystic-Hexed-with-Halitosis".
I like the "hebrews" one, and Don's.
Re: Let's do some jokes.
Did you know J. Howard Marshall's doctor?
The .Org's MTW Reference Guide Wiki - now taking comments, corrections, suggestions, and submissions
If I werent playing games Id be killing small animals at a higher rate than I am now - SFTS
Si je n'étais pas jouer à des jeux que je serais mort de petits animaux à un taux plus élevé que je suis maintenant - Louis VI The Fat
"Why do you hate the extremely limited Spartan version of freedom?" - Lemur
Re: Let's do some jokes.
Speech: "I once had a dream. It was when I was asleep that one time. By the way, I forgot what the dream was about."
(Something I myself would typically say, heh heh.)
WARNING a nasty dark one
Kid son: "Dad, why am I walking in circles?"
Spoiler Alert, click show to read:
"It's not that I hate them or wish them dead, really; it's just that I don't want them to be alive."
----
Well, they're not really jokes "per se", but I kinda got my dark humour, and when I look at that third one, I dunno.... it just lightens me up :P
Emotion, passions, and desires are, thus peace is not.
Emotion: you have it or it has you.
---
Pay heed to my story named The Thief in the Mead Hall.No.
---
Check out some of my music.
Re: Let's do some jokes.
Dude...thats baaaaaad...
TosaInu shall never be forgotten.
Re: Let's do some jokes.
Posting Permissions
Reply With Quote
Bookmarks