News of the Weird

[Pannonian]

Prisoner found guilty of masturbating in his cell

It is a verdict likely to cause great consternation to lonely prisoners throughout the US penal system. A prisoner in Florida has been found guilty of indecent exposure for masturbating alone in his cell.

Terry Lee Alexander, 20, of Lauderdale Lakes, Florida, was sentenced to a further 60 days in jail on top of the 10-year term he is currently serving for armed robbery, the Miami Herald reported yesterday.

One might call this "losing the toss".

[English assassin]

Terry Lee Alexander, 20, of Lauderdale Lakes, Florida, was sentenced to a further 60 days in jail on top of the 10-year term he is currently serving for armed robbery, the Miami Herald reported yesterday

Its a modern day Achillies and the Tortoise, this. Supposing he bashes his bishop twice a week, by the time he has served his sentence for armed robbery, he will be looking at serving an extra 171 years for monkey-spanking. If he gets to the end of that, it will be time to start a 2923 year stretch, (although by then presumably his eyesight will be so bad he would have to live in some sort of institution anyway.)

[Pannonian]

Its a modern day Achillies and the Tortoise, this. Supposing he bashes his bishop twice a week, by the time he has served his sentence for armed robbery, he will be looking at serving an extra 171 years for monkey-spanking. If he gets to the end of that, it will be time to start a 2923 year stretch, (although by then presumably his eyesight will be so bad he would have to live in some sort of institution anyway.)

I suppose he'll have to try getting through to the end by avoiding getting through to his end.

[English assassin]

Proof that cats are in league with satan

US cat 'predicts patient deaths'

A US cat that is reportedly able to sense when a nursing home's residents are about to die is baffling doctors.
Oscar has a habit of curling up next to patients at the home in Providence, Rhode Island, in their final hours

Staff now alert the families of residents when he sits down next to their ailing loved one.

Yeah, "alerting" the families is nice. But how about shooing the feline angel of death away instead?

[Marshal Murat]

I like the idea. Gives you time to cope with the thought of death.


The fool-proof way to prevent death?
Lock the door.

[Big King Sanctaphrax]

Have they considered that maybe Oscar doesn't predict death, but that instead he is the carrier for some undiscovered, deadly disease?

[English assassin]

Have they considered that maybe Oscar doesn't predict death, but that instead he is the carrier for some undiscovered, deadly disease?

Simpler than that I think. Oscar waits until everyone is out of the room, then he flicks the off switch on the life support machine. Classic case of Munchausen's Syndrome by proxy.

[drone]

Once the cat has chosen a "victim", put it in a box with a canister of cyanide gas and a trigger mechanism going to the patient's heart monitor. If the patient's heart stops within a few hours, the cat dies. Otherwise, Oscar is free to go.

Not really sure what this accomplishes, but an old Austrian scientist would approve.

[Andres]

Police lose scooter OAP in 8mph chase.

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

Jul 25 2007
by Sam Beattie, Evening Gazette

THIS plucky pensioner led police on a low-speed chase around Middlesbrough - and then gave officers the slip.



The lukewarm pursuit started after he caused traffic chaos by crawling down the fast lane of a busy dual carriageway.

Police asked the stubborn senior citizen to pull over. But he defiantly cranked his battery-powered mobility scooter up to its top speed - 8mph - and somehow managed to escape their attention.

Engineer, Ian Hardy, from Darlington said he couldn’t believe his eyes as he watched the chase unfold on the A1032 Newport Bridge Approach Road on Monday afternoon.

“It was just incredible,” said Ian, of Darlington, who captured the action on camera. “It was so bizarre. He came along in the outside lane with a queue of traffic behind him and a panda car to his left.

“Most motorists were having a bit of a laugh. It was so strange. You don’t expect something like that on a busy road. It was like a bit of a circus.

“The police tried to pull him up but he issued them with a lot of profanities.”

Then the determined OAP veered onto the Cannon Park roundabout where he gave red-faced officers the slip.

“They asked us, ‘scuse me - have you seen a bloke on an electric scooter?’,” added Ian, who was on a walk at the time.

“The two in the police car looked a bit sheepish to have lost a battery-powered scooter. I bet they’ll be the toast of the nick.”

A police van joined the pursuit and when cops eventually caught up with the pensioner, he was escorted to safety.

“Where they went from there, I can’t imagine,” said Ian.

Cleveland Police confirmed that the man eventually pulled over and officers spoke to him and helped him get out of harm’s way.

Traffic cop, PC Steve Garner, who was not involved in the chase, said the scooter was road legal, although some are not.

“There are two types - class two and class three. Class two is limited to 4mph and generally stays on footpaths. Class three is limited to 8mph and can go on roads or footpaths.”

[Csargo]

Oh man...

[KukriKhan]

To express the idea of "ain't ever gonna happen", we use phrases like 'when pigs fly', and 'when Hell freezes over'.

The Romans used to say "when a mule foals".

Well, watch the skies for avian porkers, my friends, because:

Mule gives birth

[Pannonian]

I'm not sure whether to post this in the Movies review thread, but I figured it wasn't Frontroom material, so I might as well post it here.

Teeth bares chastity

Even before anyone had seen it, Mitchell Lichtenstein's film Teeth was the talk of the last Sundance Film Festival.

A comedy featuring a girl with teeth in her vagina, a gynaecologist who loses a hand in the workplace and a rottweiler eating his master's penis was always going to be the talk of the town, especially in Utah.

What's wrong with the director, that he should dream up something like this?

[InsaneApache]

It's that old joke isn't it?

A very naughty one at that. PM for details.

[Haudegen]

The great heroes of our times still seem to like a drink or two ...

http://www.cnn.com/2007/TECH/space/0...t.drinking.ap/

[Gregoshi]

It give a new meaning to the term "blast off".

[discovery1]

That's not news. Us aerospace engineers are huge boozers.

Aerospace engineers, we might not have any oxygen but we are still getting tanked.

[Gregoshi]

Hindsight is always 20/20. Some things about the space program make more sense now.

1) We should have figured out this drunken astronaut thing when we sent "Buzz" Aldrin to the Moon.

2) Light beer was probably developed by NASA for drinking in the 1/6th gravity of the Moon.

3) The explosion onboard Apollo 13 was probably a keg malfunctioning in the extreme cold of space.

[discovery1]

First rockets were fueled by booze don't you know?

[Gregoshi]

Thus the origin of the phrase "getting lit"?

[edyzmedieval]

Classic!

[ShadesPanther]

"Free Derry" Corner is going Gay!

[Gregoshi]

That's very open-minded of the town. You can almost feel the pride in the Derry air.

[edyzmedieval]

Truly, you can feel the love in the air, eh boys and girls?

[Lemur]

Keeping with the free love theme: do it for Mother Russia!

Remember the mammoths, say the clean-cut organisers at the youth camp's mass wedding. "They became extinct because they did not have enough sex. That must not happen to Russia".

Obediently, couples move to a special section of dormitory tents arranged in a heart-shape and called the Love Oasis, where they can start procreating for the motherland.

With its relentlessly upbeat tone, bizarre ideas and tight control, it sounds like a weird indoctrination session for a phoney religious cult.

But this organisation - known as "Nashi", meaning "Ours" - is youth movement run by Vladimir Putin's Kremlin that has become a central part of Russian political life.

There's much more in the article proper, but I just love the concept of a sex camp for teens. I mean, stuff has always gone on at camp, but it's amazing they've made it official. Russia should be glad to have its very own lebensborn.

[English assassin]

That's very open-minded of the town. You can almost feel the pride in the Derry air.

Pun of the year, surely?

[InsaneApache]

Centurions of the Ninth Legion spotted three Brigantes stealing lead from a roof in Eboracum, but the thieves escaped before the might of the Roman army could catch them and throw them to the lions.

An entire legion pursued the Brigantes, who are nowadays known as Yorkshiremen, through the streets of the city now called York, but failed to catch them.

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/new...cle2176967.ece

Nice one Centurian. Bloody Romans.

[English assassin]

Rome thought it had subdued the Brigantes when it moved the Ninth Legion from Lincoln, its northernmost garrison in Britannia Inferior, into the wild territory beyond the Humber in AD71. Nearly a century later it was sent further north to disperse other barbarian hordes and disappeared completely at the hands of what would today be called Northumbrians, Scots, or other untamed persons unknown.

No comment....

[InsaneApache]

No comment....

[drone]

Centurion Maximus Gluteus, who is known to his family and friends as Keith Mulhearn, was discussing the implications of antisocial behaviour with two fellow officers when they noticed activity on the roof of a nearby library.

What was the Legate's name? Biggus Diccus?

[InsaneApache]

He has a wife you know......