Turkish Jihad
Lyrics by Askthepizzaguy
Based on Pour Some Sugar on Me by Def Leppard
All you faithless infidels can follow along here:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iVxiHC9AJQw
Great Imam, stop and pray
Declare a holy war, Hey Hey!
Sultan Jalal, ghazis come and hear my call
I'm recruiting muslim archers to man the walls
Lookin' like a champ, with my Turcomans
Demolishing Romans, and taking their land... their land... hey!
Constantinople put up quite a little fight
Horse archers, Sipahis go all night
Sometime, anytime, turn up the heat
Great Imam would you please Jihad me, yeah... yeah
C'mon, take your curved sword, follow Jalal
On a Jihad... Praise Allah!
Declare your Jihad on me
Ooh, in the name of Allah!
Declare your Jihad on me
C'mon, slash me up
Declare your Jihad on me
Go kill infidels
I'm hot, smell like feet
Burning up from the desert heat yeah
Hey! Hey! Hey!
Listen! Swordsmen, spearmen, javelins go!
Crazy fundamentalist jihadis know
Mujahideen holy men, with a lot of soul
Sweet dream, infidels, lethal blow
Lethal blow, lethal blow
You gotta kill a few, convert a few
Behead a few more
Armies of Allah come knocking on their door
Sometime, anytime, it would be neat
If the Papal States bowed at our feet, yeah, yeah
Pray a little more
Take a Qu'ran, open it up
Recite a few verses, praise Allah
Point your prayer rug towards Mecca
Ooh, in the name of Allah
Pray on your knees towards Mecca
C'mon, Muhammadean
Fight a Jihad for me
Oh, I can't get enough
It's hot, like the fires of hell
Sticky with the blood of infidels, yeah
[guitar solo]
You got the Balkans, I killed the Greeks
Then we conquered Sicily
I took Venice, Poland, and Hungary
Beat the Russians, and the Danes, and the Swedes
Do you drink coffee? The Arabs do!
Go on a jihad, shake things up
Kill the faithless, infidel
Declare your Jihad on me
Ooh, convert Milan
Declare your Jihad on me
Now Portugal is gone
Declare your Jihad on me
Even Spain went down
Declare your Jihad on me
Oh, in the name of Allah
Declare your Jihad on me
London, Paris,
Declare your Jihad on me
Edinburgh!
Declare your Jihad on me
Say your prayers, infidel
__________________________________________
Blitzmaster
Lyrics by Askthepizzaguy
Based on Master of Puppets by Metallica
Play the song while reading the new lyrics!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_z-hEyVQDRA
___________________________________
End of your campaign, crumbling away
I’m your master of obstruction
Ten thousand men with spears, spreading hate and fear
Leading to your great destruction
Trust me, you will see
War is all I need
I’m dedicated to
how I'm killing you
I’m recruiting faster
I’m your Blitzmaster
Bringer of disaster
I’m your Blitzmaster
Master
Master of blitzing, I’m killing your kings
Bringing to life my nightmarish dreams
Capturing cities and pillaging things
Torturing subjects, until they all scream
Master
Master
Just call my name, and I’ll make you bleed
Master
Master
I‘m conquering my way, forever I'll betray
The AI won't see it coming
Can’t trust them you see, they always betrayed me
Because diplomacy is broken
Turn around and you will see
An invasion from the sea
But what will they do?
They only blockade you
Diplomacy disaster
Go kill those bastards
Betray them faster
Burn them to ashes
Ashes
Master of Blitzing invading your lands
Dismembering subjects to the last man
Smashing your gates with battering rams
with millions of troops under my command
Master
Master
It's too late for you, you're severely outmanned
Master
Master
Master, Master, Where's the revenge that you've been after
Master, Master, everyone has died
After, After, Twenty three blood soaked turns
Laughter, Laughter, laughing at your cries
Slaying every Pope, and Rome went up in smoke
Butchering without a reason
Firing trebuchets, another town was razed
I massacred everyone in Berlin
I won't occupy
But I will make you die
I will run you through
Now I rule you too
Start kneeling faster
obey your Master
your life ends faster
care of Blitzmaster
Master
Master of Venice, Spain and Milan
Sultan of Moors and Killer of Khans
England and Scotland call me their King
Even the Aztecs are worshipping me
Master
Master
The Death God demands I sacrifice thee.
Master
Master
BWAHAHAHAHA!!!! AHAHAHAHAAAAHHHAA!!!!
_____________________________________________
OverKnight
The theme song by Askthepizzaguy
Based on Hold the Line by Toto
Click link to listen along...
I’m loving the way that you rule me
I’m loving the way that you make me obey
I’m loving the way that you've been conquering Turks
I’m loving the way that you’ll rule till you die
I’m loving the way that you look and the way you torture your subjects
OverKnight… Ruler of the Roman Empire!
Oh oh oh
OverKnight… Ruler of the Roman Empire!
Oh oh oh
I’m loving the way that you whip me, lord
I’m loving the way that you put me on trial
I’m loving the way that your men rack me
I’m loving the way that you’ll never set me free
I’m loving the way that you’ll draw and quarter me too
OverKnight… Ruler of the Roman Empire!
Oh oh oh
OverKnight… Ruler of the Roman Empire!
Oh oh oh
I’m loving the way that you flog me
I’m loving the way that you brand me with an iron
I’m loving the way the stocks humiliate me
I’m loving the way that this stake is burning me
I’m loving the way that I’m forced to work in your mines
OverKnight… Ruler of the Roman Empire!
Oh oh oh
OverKnight… Ruler of the Roman Empire!
Oh oh oh
Basileos of the Empire!
OverKnight, I love how you set me on fire
I love how you, how you cuff me in irons
OverKnight, you’re the one I admire
Beat me until I expire
Whip me until I expire
Feed me to your pet lion
Oh, oh, oh…..
______________________________________________________
Hooked on Phonicsmonkey
The theme song by Askthepizzaguy
Based on
The Game by
Motorhead
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VQzsK4FAnx0
click link to follow along
____________________________
It's time to learn to read….
Time to learn to read!
Hoohooheheh….
Hahahaha.
It's all about the
Monkey, the one who’s Caliph
All about the
Hajj and if you can take it
All about
Salat and if you can pray it
It's all about piety and who's got the most of it
I am the Caliph, they call me
Phonicsmonkey
I rule all Islam, and if you read funky
I own a
Qu’ran, and I know I can teach you
How to read Holy Texts, until you can preach it.
Turn towards Mecca, pray on your rug
Slay the infidels and never be outdone.
I uphold
Sharia law, and I make the rules
I can call a
jihad and slay me some fools.
I teach
Monkey Phonics and I’m a Caliph
I can play the cymbals and teach your ABC’s
But don't you forget to pray five times a day
Cause I am the Caliph and I demand that you pray!
It's time to learn to read….
Hahahaha!
Time to learn to read!
It's all about Crusades, and how you fight them
It's all about Jihad, and if Allah wills it
It's all about alms, and if you can pay it
It's all about my reign, and who's going to Mecca
I am the Caliph, you don't wanna betray me
I am in control, and I demand you obey me
I am an
Ayatollah, just picture
Khomeini
You read “Allahu Akbar!”, so have some
Kushari.
Praise His name
Allah will proclaim
virgins in your name
If you die in vain!
Hahahaha!!!
Time to praise Allah’s name…
It's time to praise His name...
Allahu Akbar!
It's time to praise His name…
Hahahaha!!!
It's time to praise His name…
Allahu Akbar!
It's time to learn to read, from
Phonicsmonkey
It's time to learn about the alphabetic principle
It's time to learn about vowels, consonants and dipthongs
It's time to learn diction, grammar, and spelling
I am the
Monkey, to teach you phonics
How to read out loud, and practice public speaking
I am a master of words, language and literacy
I can work to improve your Arabic fluency
Praise His name
Allah will proclaim
virgins in your name
If you die in vain!
Hahahaha!!!
It's time to praise His name
It's time to praise His name
I think I've gone insane...
_______________________________
Another ode to our distinguished Moderator
Don't Fear the Lemur
The theme song by Askthepizzaguy
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z5rW-YvYmUE
The Reaper,
Blue Oyster Cult
All the primates have come
The lemuriformes have gone
Orgahs don't fear the
Lemur
Nor do the wind, the sun or the rain..we can be like they are
Come on orgahs...don't fear the
Lemur
Young wannabe Caesars...don't fear the
Lemur
Old software geezers...don't fear the
Lemur
Class: Mammalia!
La-lalalala…. La-lalalala
Phylum: Chordata
Kingdom: Animalia
Order: Primates
Suborder: Strepsirrhini
40,000 baby Lemurs everyday......Like Romeo and Juliet
40,000 baby Lemurs everyday......they breed like rabbits
Another 40,000 coming everyday......We can be like they are
Come on orgahs... don't fear the
Lemur
D+D Geeks... don't fear the
Lemur
World of Warcraft Freaks... don't fear the
Lemur
They’re prosimians!
La-lalalala…. La-lalalala
Lemur is a nocturnal one
He’s here when the sun has gone
Came here last night from the trees
And it was clear that he wanted to eat
A variety of fruits, flowers and leaves
As well as insects, spiders, and small vertebrates
If you think that he’ll eat you... baby don't be afraid
Lemurs are tiny... and they’re mostly herbivores
They’d never eat you... and they’re endangered
They live in matriarchal societies... let’s become like they are
They can swing from the trees... let’s become like they are
Come on baby...don't fear the
Lemur
________________________________
Sith|R|AntiWarmanCake
The Theme Song by Askthepizzaguy
An Ode to our distinguished Moderator...
To the tune of "Eternal flame" by the Bangles
http://www.petalia.org/Songs/eternalflame.htm
(Click link to follow along)
Cashews and Milk
Would really hit the spot, darlin'
Do you hear my tummy rumblin'
Do you understand
Why he's got that name?
Am I only dreaming
Or Is this
Sith|R|AntiWarmanCake?
Swiss Man
Lives in a swiss Castle, darlin'
Mr. Peanut for President
You should vote for him
Why's his name so strange?
Am I only dreaming
Or is this
Sith|R| (Sith)
AntiWarmanCake?
Say his name
Doesnt roll off the tongue.
With a mace so painful
Then you come and smash in my brain
I think I've lost all feeling, owwwwwww.
Say his name
Doesnt roll off the tongue.
With a mace so painful
Then you come and smash in my brain
I think I've lost all feeling, owwwwwww.
Poke out my eyes
Slice off my hand, darling
Do you feel my chest bleeding
Do you understand
Do you feel my pain
Am I only dreaming
Or Is this
Sith|R|AntiWarmanCake?
Poke out my eyes
Slice off my hand, darling
Do you feel my chest bleeding
What's with all those eights?
Have you gone insane???
I'm profusely bleeding!!!
AAAAAHHHHHH!!!! It's
Sith|R|AntiWarmanCake!!!!!
Poke out my eyes
Slice off my hand, darling
Do you feel my chest bleeding
Do you understand
Do you feel my pain
Am I only dreaming
Or Is this
Sith|R|AntiWarmanCake?
Poke out my eyes
Slice off my hand, darling
Do you feel my chest bleeding
What's with all those eights?
Have you gone insane???
I'm profusely bleeding!!!
AAAAAHHHHHH!!!!
It's Sith|R|AntiWarmanCake!!!!!
_____________________________
Knight of Graal
Lyrics by Askthepizzaguy
Based on You Shook me All Night Long by AC/DC
Click the link to follow along
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bomv...eature=related
______________________________
He conquered all with Spain
With Egypt he's insane
He's the best damn Roman that I've ever seen
He took some ballistae
Took on the British Isles
Knockin' down the walls with those Venetian guys
Took on the world with Rome
Europe's where he's home
I told him to conquer, but he was already done
'Cause the walls started shaking
The gates were breaking
Our spears were quaking
And he was taking my fortress
He's the Knight of Graal
Hey you,
it's the Knight of Graal
Working double time
towards the finish line
He was the bloodthirsty kind, and my walls were undermined
He didn't stop or pause
had just one cause
Made mincemeat out of me, and came back for more
Had to burn my town
straight into the ground
Now I'm enslaved again, as well as all my men
'Cause the walls were shaking
The earth was quaking
My wounds were aching
And the line was breaking to you,
He's the Knight of Graal
Yeah you, The Knight of Graal
Knocked me out.
Said you, dreaded Knight of Graal
Walls were shaking cause of you,
dreaded Knight of Graal
Yeah you... Stop killing me already!
The exploding cannon fire was a bit much. The walls are made of wood, for crying out loud.
You really overkill things...
Knight of Graal
You really stomped my defenders
Knight of Graal
You horses really trampled me
Knight of Graal
_____________________________________________
Even though alcohol is expressly forbidden in Islam, after my humble ambassador was poisoned by the treacherous Roman dogs he began acting rather strangely and quite amusingly. And so, for my own personal experience, I tested this forbidden spirit that the westerners so enjoy. What follows are the drunken ravings of a teetotaller on his very first bender:
"I have recently negotiated with the Seljuk Turks about possibly dividing the lands between us, and they seem most interested in the deal. I have also contacted the Abbasid Caliphate regarding our mutual borders, and the Kingdom of Jerusalem as well. Since diplomacy is going quite well, I have decided to be more ambitious in my territorial claims.
I began conversations with the Mongolians regarding possible partitioning of Yakutsk. Although this is some several thousand miles away, we feel that the Turks may one day expand into the vast northern steppes, and so therefore we must begin peace negotiations with our future neighbors. I've also contacted the Scots regarding the status of Ireland, as we hope to one day make this a Turkish province. We are prepared to offer a lump sum of 12 shekkels and a piece of dryer lint, or 37 annual payments of hair from the Sultan's beard and nether regions dipped in candle wax to preserve thier illustrious beauty.
I've begun a space program with the hopes of launching Turks onto the face of the moon, that we might begin staking our claims there. Several ambassadors have been dispatched to negotiate with the Martians, however we have not perfected the technology required to launch them high enough, and the bloody splatters all over the Sultan's palace signify the failures of our current catapult technology. For some reason it is difficult to find volunteers to undertake this mission to talk with the Martian delegation. It might have been a good idea to outfit the ambassadors with some kind of cushioned helmet before propelling them into the air, but these are minor details only. The important thing is persistance."
"I'm feeling disoriented, but for some reason I'm also very relaxed. My harem is becoming more attractive by the minute, even though it is difficult to tell who is really underneath the burkhas. At this point, I admit I might even be pleasantly surprised if I should find one of the palace guards posing as a female. What am I saying? I totally did not just say that. Enough of this nonsense... I need another drink.
I've begun plans for the invasion of Poland. As soon as I can locate Poland on a map, I will send my troops there immediately. This time, however, I plan to strap the troops onto the backs of their elephants, because few of the soldiers survived in their previous location of swinging from the elephant's mighty genitals. This seemed to spook the creatures. The elephants were pretty shaken up, too.
I've had a look at my empire's finances, and the treasury is almost bare from the recent expenditures; the space program, and the invasion of Poland with Ghazis swinging from elephant testicles... The window cleaners are also quite demanding with their budget, as they claim that Windex does not remove entrails and blood stains from the stone surface of palace walls. I say it's nothing a little elbow grease won't cure."
"The window cleaners are most upset that I have ordered my guards to take sledgehammers to their elbows in order to extract the valuable grease. I'm starting to think they are nothing but a bunch of whiny, elbow-loving complainy-pants. Did you ever notice that sometimes there are little things floating around your head, and when you try to look at them, they keep moving just to the edge of your field of vision? I suspect these are ghosts of the dead threatening to raise a mighty army of souls against this great Sultanate. I have assembled the finest minds on all of Anatolia to combat these mischievious spirits."
"The meeting with my council of advisers did not go as well as I would have liked. I was surprised by another floating spirit in the middle of the meeting, and took out my great sword and began slashing at it. Although I may have inadvertently killed all my advisers, I'd say the meeting was a success, as before they perished one of them said that I might have had something in my eye. I'm not sure what this means, because I tried to scare the spirits out of my eyes by rubbing salt into them, and now I'm having difficulty seeing. It also stings like bloody hell.
On a more positive note, I've managed to solve our budget crisis. Instead of paying the window cleaners, I have hired assassins to dispatch them. This plan is most ingenious. Surely this will resolve my money problems. Plus, once our catapult is complete, we will finally be able to mine for gold on the surface of the moon. I'm uncertain how we are going to ship it back, but as the old saying goes, we will cross that bridge before we build it.
I'm feeling a little dizzy and confused. Hopefully after smoking some hashish, I will be most lucid."
"The assassins are back, and have joined me in smoking the hashish. They keep demanding payment for some sort of mission. I have no idea what they are talking about. Meanwhile, have you ever just like... looked at your feet? I mean... what are they for, anyway? I don't think anyone really knows... but I am sure they are planning something fiendish. I must remember to assemble my council of advisers to talk about this new threat."
"I totally mest this babe down by the shisha bar. She's hawt. I'm planning on takings her back to my palace and then I'm totally gonna do it with her! But first, I gotta aks this very important question: WHO DRANK ALL THE RUM? I paid bigs money for that booze. Someone better fess up because I get drunk when I'm mad. You wounded like me when I was drink. Does anyone else here have a dungeon? I mean seriously, I'm the friggin Sultan of... of... something and I have a friggin actual dungeon I can torture people in. So... don't... anyone dare mesk with me. I'm totally dangerous and spooky. Wooo wooo... I'm a ghost man... omg that's so funny I sounded just like a ghost. What was I talking about again? And this time, DONT INTERRUPT ME WHEN YOU'RE TALKING! I can't stand that.
My hands are so colorful. Did you ever wonder where your hands came from?"
"This sundial is totally tripping man. I brought it inside to see what time it was and it doesn't make any sense. Everytime I try to read it by candle, the time is like... jumping around all over the place. Especially when there is a draft. And by the way I just figured out how to make the day longer. It's so simple I can't believe I didn't think of it sooner... I just put a number 13 next to the 12 on the sundial. It's totally 13pm right now.
OMG I just hurled all over one of my slaves. That's the funniest s--- I've ever seen.
oOk I'm gonna do it with this babe from the shisha bar. Be back in five minutes."
"Ohhhh... Allah be merciful... where am I? My head hurts so much. I just ordered my slaves to fetch me a doctor. I woke up next to this large woman with a face that feels like sandpaper. I also noticed that I now have a tattoo on my chest that says "
". I have no idea what that means. I've been told that the Seljuk turks are advancing on the capital. Why does it hurt to sit down? I need another drink..."
"I've been captured by the elbow-loving Seljuk Turks and placed in a dungeon with Achmed. Apparently we got married in a hotel and casino in Byzantium, although I cannot recall those events. Achmed looks a lot more menacing without all the makeup, and I fear he will harm me. Fortunately I still have a bit of a buzz going and I don't think the execution will be very painful. Perhaps Allah was wise to forbid the drinking of alcohol, as it has ruined both me and my entire Sultanate."
Is that... is that his spleen?
You're going to be all right. Don't you worry. Everything will be just fine. We can fix this small wound in a jiffy. By the way, did you see the gladiator match between Samson the Strangler and Cyrus the Syrian Assassin?
No matter, he's as good as dead anyways... maybe I could try something risky and ill-advised to attempt to save his life... first, I need about 150 feet of his intestines...
Now if I can just slide the spleen back into place and tie it around his heart which I've just cut open needlessly... and if I can saw off his leg...
and take the meat from his leg and fashion new abdominal muscles... and take my large butcher knife which I carry with me for no apparent reason and hack off the skin and apply it to the huge opening in his chest... and wrap the intestines around the whole thing like a large bandage...
Wait...
No... He has died. Sorry, didn't mean to get your hopes up. Ah well. Life goes on I guess. You gotta take the good with the bad, no one ever said life was a box of roses. You win some, you lose some. Every cloud has a silver lining. Wise men say, only fools run an empire without luxuries.
