A Dialogue on the Great Schism, Acre, 1294
“I had a very interesting meeting with Empress Theodora.” declared Linyeve.
“Did you love? How nice.” said Elberhard, distractedly.
“Yes, there is more to her than meets the eye. You could say we hit it off.”
Elberhard looked up, surprised, from his reading (Linyeve noticed with condescension that it was a book with very large illustrations of knights and fantastical creatures).
“Theodora is very knowledgable about scripture, you know.” Linyeve said.
“Oh really, how nice.” said Elberhard, flatly, returning to his book.
“Yes, she told me all about the Orthodox church. And, to be honest, I think she knew more about the Catholic church than I do.”
“Shocking.” said Elberhard. Then he glanced up, with a twinkle in his eye. “Do you have a Catholic church in England? Or do you still dance naked around big @#$%^&!!!ing stones with blue woad painted on your faces?”
Linyeve playfully whacked the Prinz over the ears with her fan: “No, we only dance naked around big stones on the Winter Solstice. And it’s not blue woad, it’s just that it's @#$%^&!!!ing freezing!” she said, playing along.
Elberhard roared with laughter.
“But seriously…” Linyeve persisted
Elberhard groaned, then yawned, scratched his crotch and looked around in an exagerated manner for a means of escape.
Linyeve sat down on the Prinz’s lap. He smiled and she traced a finger over his lips. She had his complete attention.
“You do know about the Great Schism of 1054, don’t you?” Linyeve asked.
“Err, sure, let me see … wasn’t that when Pope Gregory and the Kaiser had a falling out?”
“No, you dolt! That was the Investiture Crisis! That came later.” scolded Linyeve.
“Oh, ok then. No, I don’t have a @#$%^&!!!ing idea what the @#$%^&!!! you are talking about then.” said Elberhard angrily.
“Well, if you are sitting comfortably, then I will begin…” said Linyeve.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/East-West_Schism
*****
“Wake up, you @#$%^&!!!” chided Linyeve.
“Sorry, love, did I nod off?” said Elberhard sheepishly. “You were saying …?”
“Yes, I was saying how ridiculous it is that the Catholic Church remains split from the Orthodox Church. Almost nothing divides us!”
“Almost nothing…?” probed Elberhard sceptically.
“Did you hear anything I said? How long were you out for?” snapped Linyeve. “All that would be required for the Catholic and Orthodox Churches to reunite would be two small things.”
Elberhard stirred in his chair, his wife still draped over his lap. “Do they, err, have to be two small things?” he queried lewdly, staring at his wife’s bosom.
Linyeve elbowed him in the ribs and straightened herself haughtily. “First, get rid of that Filoque clause from the Nicocene Creed.”
“Get rid of the what now?” said Elberhard dumbly.
“You know, the part that says “We believe in the Holy Spirit ... who proceeds from the Father and the Son”. All we have to do is drop the "and the Son” bit."
“@#$%^&!!!, woman you are doing my head in! Three words? - we have to drop three words? Fine, sounds like @#$%^&!!!ing angels on a pin head to me. What’s the other thing?”
“Admit that the Pope is not infallible. The Orthodox Church may accept him as “First Among Equals” and may even accept Rome as a final court of appeal. But The Patriarch of Constantinople must be allowed to be “First Among Equals in the East” A unified Church must be a like a college, not a monolith”.
“Sounds reasonable.” nodded Elberhard, embracing Linyeve. “Now, how’s about the two of us make our own little union…?”
Linyeve rolled her eyes and looked at the clock - 10 minutes of semi-intelligent conversation; that had to be a record.
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