Join the Army: A Pontic AAR

[russia almighty]

Before I go any further got to thank Berkley for the idea of focusing on one unit . Though in this other unit's are gonna get featured . I hope you laugh at my Galatian's .


Whats up folks . My name is Xenophon . Son of a merchant from Sinope . That leads me to the second part of this tale . Cause of my father's wealth he could afford full hoplite equipment . He was also older than jesus so when the King of Pontus called for a levy of Hoplites from Sinope I had to go in his place . Then again I think the only reason why our governor provided was cause he's bangin the king's wife or the other way around .




So anyway that's me getting some refamilization drilling on how to fight in a phalanx . Time in my opinion I could be chasing tail , drinking , doing both . Whatever, supposedly were gonna attack this joint called Trapezous .





Big ass tourist industry so that explain's a lot . If I don't get stuck on a 20 year campaign I might move my dad's biz there . Knowing my luck though ...... anyway I'm gonna hit that Scythican weed my dad uses for "medicinal" purposes .





Read , review , flame , bash whatever .

[BerkeleyBoi]

Bwahahahaha...

I think the proper American term for this would be something like Ghetto Fabulous, though English slang is not exactly something I excel in. I can imagine Xenophon driving around with scantily clad women in a purple low-rider(I think that's what they're called).

Oh, one suggestion though. Embedding the pictures in the post would probably be better than the links.

[russia almighty]

How do you do that anyway?

[russia almighty]

Chapter 2 : The former con-artist , a fine brown expat and moving out !






This is the con-artist formerly known as Alkimos . The crown has sent me to Trapezous to see whats going on . Supposedly some squatter's took over the king's time share .




Not only did I see the squatter's but I also saw why Trapezous won the "hottest women on the beaches 350 BC -272 BC" . Me and her spent many a great nights .





We finally got sent out from Sinope to meet up with the general in command's forces from Amaseia IN THE MIDDLE OF ****ING WINTER! I don't know about you but this tunic's got a nasty updraft .



Luckily our march into enemy territory happened AFTER the snow's melted . Those Galatian's though weren't too happy about that . It was almost like they wanted it to be cold. Then again they do kinda look overheated and red most of the time . We've also lost a few pig's we were cooking and found the remains outside there area of the camp .

[MarcusAureliusAntoninus]

Use [IMG] instead of [URL].

[russia almighty]

thanks .

[russia almighty]

"Did everyone take their speed ?"

"AHH MOTHA LAND!" The slingers yelled in a fake Russia accent as they weakened the naked warriors with their 3rd century B.C glock's .



Ambro's and his boys busted down the gates and entered the crack den of Anatolia not knowing what to expect inside .

"Oh boy! Their all fried!" A Galatian warrior said mistaking the bodies for passed out crack addicts .



That Galatians advanced across the desert and the hoplite's followed . Wait ....**** I'm gonna kill that Indian but that's a whole other bunch of bullshit.



"God damn they just stand there looking at us ." A Galatian said .

"CHARGE!" The commander said .

Ambros put his game face on , whipped his spear out of hammer space and yelled like a madman as he charged into the cracked out psychopaths . Along the way he made great care along with everyone else to avoid the lead ridden bodies .

The battle for the crack den had begun .

[phoenixemperor]

Best.AAR.Ever

[Pezlu]

This is amazing!

[Frodge]

C'mon man don't let this die...

[Chirurgeon]

This is great. All those naked guys with spears don't creep you out?

[monkian]

This is great. All those naked guys with spears don't creep you out?

Not me, but then, Im not uncomfortable with my sexuality

[russia almighty]

Ppls it is the last semester of my last year in HS . Unlike others I'm not ****ing around . Besides it is paper writing time right now for me .


School is a harsh bitch .

[Tellos Athenaios]

Hmm... I always found my last year at what is somewhat the Dutch equivalent of American highschool to be fairly straigtforward and relaxed. Only had to write one paper in the entire year and cruise to the exams. Basically: I did come to associate my time outside school with the Greek word of schole. (Spare time.)

[russia almighty]

*Portable bottomless pit appears behind Tellos Athenaios *


Take a guess at how this is gonna end ?

[russia almighty]

Its coming soon, now for a teaser.





Some more comments from our friends who couldn't get what their words of wisdom on.

"Armenia has got the finest *****es, come here." Alkimos, when spoken to by the burrow of Pontians immigrating to the Armenian Provinces.

Rome aint got nothin on dis shit Ambro ****ing up some enemies with his Bus/Chariot

I will empty the Seleucid treasury....somehow. A new character, who will have a minor,yet, funny subplot. If you don't laugh, the secret police will make you.

Everyday I'm huslin' The Pontic State's new national motto.

[gamegeek2]

cmon russia, update!

incentive: if you do!

[russia almighty]

I would love posts . :)

anyway


THE BATTLE FOR THE CRACK DEN OF ANATOLIA PART III .



While the Galatians fought the crack whore horde we ran around to attack their flank .



Once we reorganized we readied to charge . Even from fifty feet back we could smell the rancid smell of ganja , meth and other shit and by Zeus-Amon-2pac-Ahura-Shiva did it reak .



Sensing a problem our commander and his crotch protecting bodyguard had the other band of Galatians charge in . Not like they were needed but it was nice to know Ambro's and his guys had the back up .



"Click Click , nix , nock ." "The Nubian" said .

"What the **** did he say ?" One of the Thorakitai said .

"I think he meant CHARGE ! " The other said .

[Reverend Joe]

This is nuts... Makes me wish I had the time and dedication (and skill) to do a hippie AAR... "Smoke on the Steppe..."

[Hooahguy]

this AAR would be better if you cropped out the UI from the bottom, and if you disabled the arrows and unit markers.... IMO...
but still, great job!

[russia almighty]

I'd like to thank merlinus for the whole concept of this .


BEFORE THE BATTLE AT THE CRACK DEN:Xenophon gets some Baktrian plant.

"psst....Xenophon..over here." A brown man said to Xenophon beckoning him with his giant two handed axe sword thingie .

"Ambros said I could find you over here, my name's Pashtarana, I got a present for ya from ole Ambros...this shit'll blow your mind man." Pashtarana said .

"Before ya go gettin all suspicious like, yeah I'm a foreigner, I'm from Taksashaila, left home 'cause the Horsef*ckers from up north are comin' out of the mountains again. I'm lookin for a few people who are into...ahh, quality herbal supplements, like the Scythian. well anyway this stuff is what the Native Baktrians do with Scyth grass, I hear they send naked people through the fields to get the resin all over them and then they turn it into this stuff somehow, don't know, got it from this Parni kid on my way over here. my cousin decided to stay in Parniland and study at one of their weird fire temples, so he's got the hook-up for me if you guys like it. oh , and Ambros knows your messin with his Sister...he says just don't let his dad catch you...he tried this stuff in the...how you say Healer's tent but not a tent???anyways , he sent you some, and he also told me to ask you if you could put in a word with the boss so I could get a gig as a "forward observer/scout" with your army. (this stuff is only around in limited quantities...and I do need to eat and stuff) dude thanks for your time and do try this (I call it Bhang Haoma, can't pronounce the Baktrian word for it)."

"uhh...thanks mate . I'm not entirely too freaked out by foreigners . I mean I am friends with a Nubian who speaks in clicks ."

"Really?" The man from India said.

"Yeah he introduced me to some Scythican herb that was grown down there. Apparently the harsh climate makes it pretty strong . Here , I have some . It makes up for you having to give me your high quality Baktrian product." Xenophon said giving the brown man a leather pouch of the Nubian product.

"Thanks ..." Pashtarana said .

The Indian walked off and Xenophon lighted some up and proceeded to roll around on the ground from the absolutely messed up trip . Xenophon saw something no man in any period wanted to deal with ....butt pirates.

[MerlinusCDXX]

nice...lmfao, ahhhh Afghani Hash

[russia almighty]

THE RETURN OF JOIN THE ARMY: NOW INCLUDING CRACKED OUT GALATIANS




What's up folks. This is everyone's favorite former con-artist know as Alkimos. I had to take a trip to Anakyra. No I did not cheat on my fine Armenian wife. Red heads are hot but they've got skinny white ho syndrome sadly. Lets see what our friends Xenophone and Ambros are up to shall we?



"I hurt like a *****." Ambros said

"STFU noob, the Galat's here had hakzors and were stealin megahurtz!" The Galatian doctor said.



"That....was amazing." The Red headed celtic girl said to Xenophone rolling off the top of him.

"I hope Ambros doesn't find out." Xenophone said.

"Don't worry about him, he's cool about us, its..." Osanne was about to say before the door got knocked down and a angry older Galatian walked in.

"XENOPHON!" He shouted.

"Aww shit!" Xenophone said, picking up his trousers, shirt and boots and diving out the window.



This is the Pontic News Network. Recently the Pontian military recruited Galatian Warriors and we got the chance to interview one. Reporting from Anakyra is Spartacis.

"How do you feel about the Pontian mother land."

"ARGGG RABBLE RABBLE AHH MOTHER LAND!" The cracked out Galatian hollered as he started scratching his arms madly.

"Uh....back to you."



"Nick nick, snickity snick." The Nubian Thorakitai said in click speak. He was trying to tell them that, "How did I end up here in a land of fine white women?"

"What did he say?" One of the Thorakitai said to his friend.

"I think our commander said get crunk!" The other said, downing a big bottle of Vodka imported from the future.

[Hax]

Need...update...

..pure...brilliance...

[Belisarius12]

in one word fantastic