Join the Army: A Pontic AAR

[russia almighty]

Before I go any further got to thank Berkley for the idea of focusing on one unit . Though in this other unit's are gonna get featured . I hope you laugh at my Galatian's .


Whats up folks . My name is Xenophon . Son of a merchant from Sinope . That leads me to the second part of this tale . Cause of my father's wealth he could afford full hoplite equipment . He was also older than jesus so when the King of Pontus called for a levy of Hoplites from Sinope I had to go in his place . Then again I think the only reason why our governor provided was cause he's bangin the king's wife or the other way around .




So anyway that's me getting some refamilization drilling on how to fight in a phalanx . Time in my opinion I could be chasing tail , drinking , doing both . Whatever, supposedly were gonna attack this joint called Trapezous .





Big ass tourist industry so that explain's a lot . If I don't get stuck on a 20 year campaign I might move my dad's biz there . Knowing my luck though ...... anyway I'm gonna hit that Scythican weed my dad uses for "medicinal" purposes .





Read , review , flame , bash whatever .

[BerkeleyBoi]

Bwahahahaha...

I think the proper American term for this would be something like Ghetto Fabulous, though English slang is not exactly something I excel in. I can imagine Xenophon driving around with scantily clad women in a purple low-rider(I think that's what they're called).

Oh, one suggestion though. Embedding the pictures in the post would probably be better than the links.

[russia almighty]

How do you do that anyway?

[russia almighty]

Chapter 2 : The former con-artist , a fine brown expat and moving out !






This is the con-artist formerly known as Alkimos . The crown has sent me to Trapezous to see whats going on . Supposedly some squatter's took over the king's time share .




Not only did I see the squatter's but I also saw why Trapezous won the "hottest women on the beaches 350 BC -272 BC" . Me and her spent many a great nights .





We finally got sent out from Sinope to meet up with the general in command's forces from Amaseia IN THE MIDDLE OF ****ING WINTER! I don't know about you but this tunic's got a nasty updraft .



Luckily our march into enemy territory happened AFTER the snow's melted . Those Galatian's though weren't too happy about that . It was almost like they wanted it to be cold. Then again they do kinda look overheated and red most of the time . We've also lost a few pig's we were cooking and found the remains outside there area of the camp .

[MarcusAureliusAntoninus]

Use [IMG] instead of [URL].

[russia almighty]

thanks .

[MarcusAureliusAntoninus]

It should work for the second picture of your last update, but the others have coding on them for the webpage. You need just the adress of the picture...

EDIT: If click on the picture link (for photobucket), on that page there will be a little thing in the bottom right that says "IMG Code - Forums & Bulletin Boards". Copy the text in the box below it and paste it on the forum entry.

[russia almighty]

271 BC Outside of Trapzeous




Our commander Arsiochos got us outside the gates of Trapezous and we have surrounded the place . Half the time he can't even keep the seige up cause were out on the beach . The Galatian's are working on there tan's . Those celt's are pale as hell if you haven't noticed . Though one told me how these dude's who fight NAKED are ghost white and they are right next door to Sinope .


After a lot of yelling , bribery , begging and "threats"(which were half assed) we were outside of the best Black Sea resort town seiging it .



Managed to smuggle some Scythican herb with me and I am keeping my mind at peace before the battle .



Before any party could get started the slinger's got to wake the squatters up .

[Frodge]

Hahaha scythian herb, love it!

[Basileus Seleukeia]

Man, this is ridiculous....












And I like that

[Hooahguy]

this is hilarious- a stark turn-away from the other AARs, with all the slang and stuff!

[russia almighty]

271: The battle continues





So us and the now darker Galatian's are moving forward to knock down the walls . I'm stuck pushing the thing forward . When I thought of battering ram I usually though of something simpler . Anyway the Galatian's are pushing that thing like it's nothing . I guess that's because all of them have been in the world strongest man tournament's .....or was it those mysterious men from the far North West ?





I think our Commander's bodyguards tried gettin some and failed ....hardly. Now look at them . They spend all there time covering there junk . Like those dweeb's have any . They sat back there the whole battle .



Us and Galatian's finally reached the wall's and began knocking the shit out of them .

[Wolfman]

This is Hilarious! Don't forget to lace some of that herb wit some Sherm loc.
@BerkleyBoi: You got it right. Although you forgot the 25 inch rims and the stereo turned up to the max. I live in the south eastern U.S. and its hilarious to see a car thats the same height as a pick up truck.

[russia almighty]

The gate was broken down and we charged in . Awaited us were skirmisher's . Obviously the richer squatter's felt they were too good to fight us . A lot more of the knive wielding poor sod's came for us too . I don't know how many of those shank fighter's I killed but I did the world a favor . I wonder how the Carthaginians get anything done against the horde's of them in Iberia. I think it's all the hot women there





After the Theuropoi jumped in the skirmishers finally broke and we cut them down.




This is Ambros a non-pale skinned Galatian reporting in. While my friend Xenophon got stuck fighting skrimishers we got had a good fight against an armored enemy who was numerically superior . I should note despite being a "dirty" barbarian I'm more educated than our Greek friend :) He also doesn't know that I've been doing stuff with his older sister too and I'm only 17 .



After seeing the skirmisher's break the leader of the squatter's advanced to push back the attacker's . At least that's what he hoped .

[The Persian Cataphract]

Oh yeah, this one rocks. There are too few after action reports focusing on comedy; There's Artaserse's classic "Parthian Wasteland", but other than that the completely gangsta weed-addicted white rapper attitude just works.

Keep it up. Here's a Christmas treat to everyone's favourite Ethiopian

[russia almighty]

We and the Theuro's pushed forward . My friend Ambros and his boys after killing the Hoplite's were making a flanking maneuver behind them. We pushed the leader's unit apart separating him from his men .





We finally killed him and made our charge towards the square where more enemies met us .








The fighting was brutal . The Galatian's in a rage waded through the line to get to the front to fight. My unit and Ambro's unit was depleted severely . After we won we celebrated first in the square and then on the beaches . Ambros was severely injured so he had to sit them out . The commander with the imperial police forced us out to prevent any sacking .

[russia almighty]

Xenophon is gonna be losing the gangster attitude very soon . You'll like his replacement and it will be fitting .

Before I go on any idea on how to get those up close face shots that the dude who did wasteland did ?




"By Zeus what the hell happened ?" Ambros said .

"Those Trapzintine's did a number on you buddy . You passed out after we killed the final defender's in the square . Your tunic under your mail was soaked red from all over," a man in the cart said ,"were heading back to Amaseia to get new bodies , get more supplies and probably get ready for another campaign ."

"Ugggh ." Ambros moaned before going back to sleep.




As for me I got out of the battle unscathed . My linen got torn in some places but I didn't get injured . My buddy Ambros got ****ed up pretty bad. Anyway in Trapezous we partied like mad , probably left a bunch of love child's behind and were reinforced by loyal Pezoi class men in the town .



This is everyone's favorite former con-artist here . After that little show in Trapezous the ski resort Ani-Kamah bowed down to the will of Pontic Emperor .I did a little poking around in town and found a few good finds . An boy did I.



I've relocated and we married . I better keep quiet how I might have to be paying child support to that fine lady back in Trapezous . Maybe my new wife will agree to a threesome ....... we can hope .

[russia almighty]

Coming soon


The Road to Pellas: How Xeonphon , Ambros and others get suckered into a long ass reenlistment .


Anyway my last one for a little while (like 1 day.)

The Road to Anakyra



We marched from Trapezous to meet up with an army. We were getting sent to Anakyra . A barbarian hold out but supposedly there were fine celtic women which made my day .




Like this lady who is Ambro's sister but way more of them .



Anakyra . A name that strikes fear into any warrior . Elite or not . There is a hold out of men (and a couple kids ) who are so hard core that they can fight phalangists with there bare hands. Our seer said only the Jomsvikings who will appear in about 900 years give or take will match them . Even the women are monsters in there own way . They're definitely the epitome of freaks in the bed .



We finally met with the army outside of Amaseia . I met up with Ambros who was doing much better . I also restocked on my Scythican herb on a quick trip to Sinope . My father was happy to see me . I told him , my mom and sister about my adventure in Trapezous . Anyway Ambros doesn't know that I already know he has been messing with my sister . I don't really care but his sister is now fare game for everyone's favorite 19 year old Sinopian .

I also met this dude named ...well I can't really pronounce it . He's from a Nubian who somehow is fighting in the Thorakitai . Speaks in clicks but some how I can understand the click but not his name . That's weird . A gift from Ahura-Mazda-Zeus-Buddha-Yaweh-Thor-2pac?

[MerlinusCDXX]

Great AAR russia, LMFAO

(little in character comedy)

psst....Xenophon..over here

Ambros said I could find you over here, my name's Pashtarana, I got a present for ya from ole Ambros...this sh!t'll blow your mind man.

before ya go gettin all suspicious like, yeah I'm a foreigner, I'm from Taksashaila, left home 'cause the Horsef*ckers from up north are comin' out of the mountains again. I'm lookin for a few people who are into...ahh, quality herbal supplements, like the Scythian. well anyway this stuff is what the Native Baktrians do with Scyth grass, I hear they send naked people through the fields to get the resin all over them and then they turn it into this stuff somehow, don't know, got it from this Parni kid on my way over here. my cousin decided to stay in Parniland and study at one of their weird fire temples, so he's got the hook-up for me if you guys like it. oh , and Ambros knows your messin with his Sister...he says just don't let his dad catch you...he tried this stuff in the...how you say Healer's tent but not a tent???anyways , he sent you some, and he also told me to ask you if you could put in a word with the boss so I could get a gig as a "forward observer/scout" with your army. (this stuff is only around in limited quantities...and I do need to eat and stuff) dude thanks for your time and do try this (I call it Bhang Haoma, can't pronounce the Baktrian word for it)

[russia almighty]

^You care if I incorporate that ? I was actually gonna bring up something about an Indian introducing them to something .


Hell I'll even give you a reference in the sig .

[russia almighty]

The road to Anakyra: Part II




We left Amaseia . Leading us was the heir to the Pontic empire . With him were those creepy imperial police . The Galatian's a few times Ambros included had to be held back from killing them . Which would have been pretty easy I'd admit . The po-po might be skilled but the Galatian's are at a whole other level of skill .




Immediately once we reached there we encircled the 'shroom den. We got that name from the Galatian's in reference to some good stuff supposedly kept there . I think for a lot of us joining the army is becoming a road trip with drug sampling with fighting on the side .Anyway the seige of Anakyra had begun . Even though we had a spy inside who could open the gates the general decided to build a seige machine . We camped outside the city waiting . I got ****ed up on some stuff from this brown dude from some place to the east . Good god I was fried .



The army was called to arms . Again we volunteered to be the ones in after the Galatian's , an extremely dangerous position . Not that I cared .

[MerlinusCDXX]

^You care if I incorporate that ? I was actually gonna bring up something about an Indian introducing them to something .


Hell I'll even give you a reference in the sig .

yeah thatz kool

[gamegeek2]

This is awesome but I have a ?

It would take 21 turns to get the building for Pontic Thorakitai; youve only played 12 as of last update... u cheatin? Or did you mod descr_strat?

[Tellos Athenaios]

What's the treasury saying?

[russia almighty]

Did I mention the Pontic Empire also is a large drug cartel ?


Seriously this is a non-serious AAR . This couldn't be done without some cheating involved .

[Frodge]

Ahh serious or no i can't do one without cheating

[Moosemanmoo]

Lol that pic of ur guy in formation while smoking weed didn't go unnoticed

Kickass!

[russia almighty]

The battle for Anakyra




under the fire of the slingers Ambros and the other Galatians pushed the ram forward to knock the door down .




There they were . The most revered druggies in the world at this time . The Tindanotae . So drugged out that they don't think about fightin . They just go and kill . Then sit back and hit the biggest bongs. There is an ex-member in Ambro's marry band of Galatians . Apparently he wouldn't hit this stuff from India that has been known to kill a brotha with one hit . One hit and it can kill ya ......I got to try it .



The Marry Band pushed the ram forward and we followed . More like ran . I've never asked anyone in my group but have you ever noticed how our spears can be partially underground but friction doesn't come into play ? Shit I shouldn't have taken that Gallic berry .

[Hooahguy]

man, i love this! even my friends who hate EB love this!

[russia almighty]

"Did everyone take their speed ?"

"AHH MOTHA LAND!" The slingers yelled in a fake Russia accent as they weakened the naked warriors with their 3rd century B.C glock's .



Ambro's and his boys busted down the gates and entered the crack den of Anatolia not knowing what to expect inside .

"Oh boy! Their all fried!" A Galatian warrior said mistaking the bodies for passed out crack addicts .



That Galatians advanced across the desert and the hoplite's followed . Wait ....**** I'm gonna kill that Indian but that's a whole other bunch of bullshit.



"God damn they just stand there looking at us ." A Galatian said .

"CHARGE!" The commander said .

Ambros put his game face on , whipped his spear out of hammer space and yelled like a madman as he charged into the cracked out psychopaths . Along the way he made great care along with everyone else to avoid the lead ridden bodies .

The battle for the crack den had begun .