What would be different if there was no police

[Askthepizzaguy]

Personally I think we should abolish all current government regarding the law and have everything decided by me personally. Armed, untrained, macho vigilantes working purely for the adrenaline rush (and a drum of various mind-altering drugs) will bring me all sorts of offenders who will have no rights that need to be read, and I will personally decree that all the lawyers will now and forever be forced to dress as clowns and perform tricks at children's parties. I will shred the current body of laws in an actual shredding machine. The law will be whatever I had to say on the matter the last time I offered my opinion, to be changed at my discretion, even if I am drunk.

I will have a finger on a button that says "flush" and every case brought before me will involve the parties in question standing on a trapdoor. They each have 5 seconds to make their case. When it stops being amusing to me, I will press the "flush" button. Where they go, after they enter the trap door, will be something that is subject to my whims. I propose a high-speed series of clear plastic transport tubes that deposit people in various locations, depending on my mood. They can end up being flushed down a pipe that leads to the bottom of the ocean, where they are ejected and turned into fish food. They can end up 50 feet above a snowy mountain slope, and there will be television cameras positioned so that every time someone falls, their bodies will drop down the rocky, snowy face of the mountain until they stop tumbling, and there will be prizes based on where their broken body finally stops moving, like a Plinko machine. I will be the recipient of all such prizes, because I am awesome, but once per year I will allow two hobos to fight it out and claim a prize, and they must claim it by killing the other one with a plastic picnic spoon, without using their hands, which leaves only the teeth or the toes or another creatively strategic location to hold it steady. Another tube will transport them to a room that is filled with sexy dancing girls, and for 3 whole seconds they will believe I am being a kind and generous man, but then another trapdoor opens and they will have to battle the Rancor, again using only a plastic picnic spoon, and this time, without the use of their hands, feet, or mouth, so they will have to be very creative in how they wield it.

I will genetically engineer the Rancor using only the finest public funds that would have otherwise been spent on wars and silly things like education.

Also, I will get backlogged, often, as sometimes I have to sleep, so there will be a chamber where all the people who are too impatient can go and get my "express service" where I render sudden summary judgment on all of them. They will be allowed to collectively plead their case by voting on which single word from the English language they wish to submit as their testimony. If I do not laugh, I will press the "flush" button, and they will be forced to spend the next 70 years in a room with a man named Frank who never speaks and always wants to comb their hair while viciously poking them in the eye with his finger. For this he will be paid a handsome salary, and be given medical benefits and a huge pension, which he will never be allowed to collect, but I will tell him it is there.

I will settle all civil disputes by forcing the parties in question to do improvisational comedy, and whichever one makes me laugh the least gets flushed, and the other person gets all their worldly possessions.

I promise that my brand of justice will be cruel, absolute, and there will be no appeals process. I will be appointed for life, and my work schedule will be "whenever I feel like it" which will be every third tuesday for 1 hour. After that, it's off to Bermuda with a gaggle of nude models.

Surely we can all agree that this system is better than what we have now?