The Reign of Marti I d'Arago
(The Time of War and Taxes. And Boats. And those &^$# Castilians!)
The year was 1399. King Marti surveyed his kingdom, but he did not like what he saw. The shape was just... wrong. Fat in some places, narrow in others; all in all, pretty ugly. It totally threw off the whole aesthetic.
Something had to be done. Fortunately, King Marti knew what to do. "We will attack Navarre and vassalize them! Navarre will help make Aragon look more like a proper triangle! The country is currently slightly tilted due to its unevenness, and better triangulation will increase its stability!"
And so it was the very brief and no-so-glamorous War of Aragonese Triangulation began.
After the war was over, the world was so impressed with King Marti's ability to invade a tiny country with almost no army to speak of, that the semi-great nation of Savoy offered to form an Alliance. There was much rejoicing. Denmark offered as well, but King Marti did not know where Denmark was, so he declined. There was much rejoicing.
Shortly thereafter, one of King Marti's advisors informed him that his second cousin had married the Queen of Sicily's third cousin's niece. Given the divine supremacy of Aragonese loins, that could mean only one thing:
Several days later, the King's wife gave birth to a new heir. Aragonese loins were once again supreme!
Unfortunately, at about this time, the Court Cartographer died. King Marti, being so obsessed with his own loins, did not realize that the man was dead. For the next 25 years, he would regularly shout at the man, "Paint a picture of this event, so that the fruit of my loins can witness my greatness! In color!" Needless to say, the festering corpse in the corner of the room did not comply. King Marti assumed his silence to be a sign of utmost obedience and reverence for the Royal Loins. (Somehow my screenshot program stopped recording from here on out. I didn't realize it until the end of the reign, sorry.)
One day, King Marti realized that he was short of tiny salty fish. So, he attacked Sardinia, as apparently someone had told another Aragonese King that he had the right to fish there about 150 years ago, or something like that. Unfortunately, the Pope and Genoa also coveted the salty fish, so they went to war with Aragon to stop them. King Marti called on his Savoyard friends to help him stomp on Genoa, which was great. Then Genoa called on their friends Switzerland to stomp on Savoy, which was not so great. And Hungary as well. It was at about this time that King Marti realized that he had a navy. Not just any navy, but a GOOD navy. "Where did all these big ships come from?!" he asked. "Aren't Mediterranean powers supposed to have galleys or something?"
The Great Aragonese Navy was victorious in battle after battle. Defeating the navies of Genoa, the Papal States, and Hungary, several more big ships were captured, making the Great Aragonese Navy the Greater Aragonese Navy. Soon, none of the other foes could reach Aragon or the islands to fight, and the war was brought to a swift conclusion. Towards the end, it occurred to King Marti that Sardinia would really look pretty odd sitting out there in the water all by itself. So, he demanded that Genoa give up Corsica as well, so that Aragon could have a nice semicolon island cluster. Proper punctuation was important to Marti. His advisors told him that the King of Bohemia, the Holy Roman Emperor, would be very upset with Marti for taking a province of the Empire. So, Marti came up with a plan. He sent diplomats to deliver insulting remarks to the King of Bohemia, about how ugly and non-triangular his country was. When that was finished, Marti formally withdrew Corsica from the Holy Roman Empire. There was much rejoicing.
It was at about this time that Marti became obsessed with islands. So nice and neat and… floaty. He had to have more! That’s when he remembered that Sicily totally belonged to him because of that thing with his cousin’s loins or something. So, it was time for more war! Naples didn’t like that, nor did Milan, but that was ok because Marti didn’t like them either. Soon the Greater Aragonese Navy had destroyed the other enemy fleets, capturing even more big ships, becoming the Greatest Aragonese Navy. With total control of the seas, it was easy for Aragon to invade and occupy all of Sicily.
That’s when those jerkwads, the Castilians, decide to get all up in Marti’s face. They were like, “Hey, your nation doesn’t look triangular enough. You must die!” Marti was very unhappy when he heard this, because he knew it was true. His entire army was busy besieging Sicily, and Castile soon swarmed across the border and laid siege to half the country. Suddenly, Marti had an idea. He asked the Portuguese for an alliance, but they said it was unlikely. So, he sent his youngest brother’s second son to get it on with the Portuguese king’s sister-in-law. After witnessing the incredible prowess of the Legendary Aragonese Loins of Power, Portugal agreed to an alliance. Soon Portugal was at war with Castile, and the fortresses of Sicily had fallen. Marti forced Sicily into a Personal Union and rushed his army back to Aragon so that it could stomp on small Castilian armies and run away from big ones. After a while, the two-sided Loin Assault demoralized Castile, and they agreed to end the war in exchange for some Aragonese money.
Ha! What fools, little did they know that Aragonese money was worthless. As it turned out, the Greatest Aragonese Navy was really, really expensive. Some people suggested to King Marti that he disband part of it, as it really was too large, but Marti punched them in the nose. “Those big ships are expensive! Do YOU want to pay for them later? No? Then SHUT UP!”
So, King Marti created a National Bank, so that he could ‘mint’ money without causing Aragon to inflate like a balloon, because balloons are round and not triangular, and that would defeat the whole purpose of the War of Aragonese Triangulation.
At about this time, someone asked King Marti to make war on someone else far away. He couldn’t remember exactly which country it was, but it was really small and really far away. With such a major threat to Aragon’s existence, the people were very understanding when King Marti imposed brutal war taxes, then lowered all military maintenance to zero and sat around doing nothing. He told them it was a secret plan to lure them into complacency. The people were too stupid to realize that was a lie, and by the time the War with the People King Marti Could Not Remember was over, Aragon was rich enough to build a whole bunch of stuff. Like docks and constables and stuff. It was great.
So, King Marti decided to do it again! But the stupid people were apparently not stupid enough to pay war taxes when there wasn’t a war. So, Marti went looking for a war. At about that time, Portugal was at war with someone, who was at war with someone, who was at war with Hainault, which was, like, WAY far away, or something. So, King Marti declared war, raised war taxes, and reduced military maintenance to zero. He was very pleased with himself.
Unfortunately, the Hainaultans were too stupid to realize that the fake war was fake and not real, so they invaded. And Holland did too. So, Marti had to raise maintenance back up to full to fight off the enemy, and he went broke and had to take out a loan. It was humiliating, really. The whole point of the Fake War was to raise money, and he was now losing money instead of making money. The Greatest Aragonese Navy performed well, as usual, capturing even more big ships and becoming the Greatester Aragonese Navy. With his coastlines secured once more, King Marti sat back and milked the stupid peasants with his war taxes until Hainault finally got bored of it and decided to pay him off to make him go away. There was much rejoicing.
Castile was once again being rude about things, sending insults about Marti’s mother and banning all Aragonese merchants from their trade centers. Marti had already outsmarted them though, as he hadn’t even bothered sending any merchants in the first place. He was so smart. Still Castile had a lot of guys with pointy sticks, so Marti sent his brother-in-law’s eldest son to get it on with some minor French princess. The King of France was so impressed with the Legendary Aragonese Loins, that he signed an alliance with Aragon.
Soon, France was at war with a whole bunch of people, because the French were generally jerkwads as well, though Marti was too polite to say that their faces. One of these nations was Foix, which owned the province of Bearn. A few years before Navarre had been formally annexed into Aragon, and now Marti’s dreams of a truly triangular kingdom could come true. Some advisors said that it was a bad idea to take Bearn, as France considered it one of their own provinces. Marti stomped on their toes while wearing boots. “Look at it! It’s perfect! It will make Aragon a perfect triangle!” And so it was that the Second War of Aragonese Triangulation began.
Those jerks the Castilians were waiting for just something like this. While the Aragonese army was besieging Bearn, they declared war and invaded. Portugal honored its alliance and also declared war. Marti was thrilled, until an advisor informed him that Portugal had honored its alliance with Castile, who apparently they were also allied with. Marti was very angry, had the Portuguese forgotten the Legendary Loins so quickly? The fools would pay!
And pay they did. For large armies that stormed into Aragon and pretty much tore everything up. Marti quickly annexed Foix so that his army was free to run away from Aragon. And run away they did. Many times. They fought several times as well. And lost. And ran away. But the Legendary Loins once again won the day, for the French alliance held, and France sent massive armies into Castile. At one point, Marti managed to chase some Portuguese armies into France, where they besieged several provinces, including Languedoc. After taking that province, Marti humbles himself and offered peace with the Portuguese, for the price of Languedoc. His advisors whispered to him that the province was French, not Aragonese, that he had no right to give it away, and that France had been very noble in coming to Aragon’s aid and that this was no way to repay them. Marti had those advisors impaled on rhubarb and agreed to the terms. With Portugal out of the war, Castile now only occupied about a third of Aragon and had only about three times the size of it’s army. They were facing defeat!
At about this time, Prince Alfons, the royal heir, died. Presumably of too much fornication. It was a common problem in Aragon, you see. So, King Marti had no choice but to stop over in Barcelona for a week in the middle of the war and whip out the Legendary Loins once more. For the good of the country! Soon Prince Ferran was born, assuring many more years of Aragonese Loinitude.
Eventually, the Castilians became so exhausted by having to occupy so much Aragonese territory, that they conceded defeat and paid Aragon some gold. Some people say that the French were the ones who really won the war, by occupying half of Castile, but those people are dirty, dirty liars and their mothers should be ashamed of them.
So it was that the Second Great War of the Castilian Jerkwads ended. King Marti spent the last few years of his life praying for his loins and admiring the very nice triangular shape of his nation. He died in December 1430, from excessive fornication.
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Re: EU3: Divine Wind Succession Game
Originally Posted by TinCow
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