Pizzaguy's log: On the job horror stories

[Askthepizzaguy]

What is "tip"?

Depends on the context. Let me tell you about a tip that I didn't want.... at all..... ever.


Horror Story #1: The tip that I refused


So it was about 4 years back. I was delivering on the other side of the state, at a different store. It's late at night, pitch black out, and I get an order wayyy out in the boonies. It's a long drive, and it's the only order I have going in that direction. I need the money because it's been a slow night. When I get there, I pull up on the street next to the driveway (You don't park in their driveway; that's a great way to get blocked in so you can't escape if they try to rob you) and I grab the food and walk up to the front door.

There's a note on the front door that says to use the side door. I turn to my right, and I see that there are indeed two doors that could be considered the "front" door, because there's a wing of the house that juts out and points toward the street. There's a door on what appears to be the living room, facing toward me. There's also a big picture window with no curtains, and I can see inside the house just fine. The window is massive, as is the television that sits inside the living room. Without even blinking, I can see that there is hardcore pornography playing on the TV, from where I am standing 30 feet away. The TV is the single largest TV I have ever seen... it literally takes up the entire wall of this person's living room, without exaggeration. You could see the pornography on this TV from space. I will decline to mention what kind of pornography is playing, and how graphic it is.

I get to the side door, and I ring the bell. I can already see this is going to be bad, as this person isn't just caught unprepared, no, this is all intentionally laid out for me to see. This person is a total pervert. On this person's computer, which is right next to the door, I don't even have to glance at the computer monitor to see that there is graphic and disturbing adult material playing on the computer as well..... and there are piles.... and piles.... of writeable dvds marked "porn", with very descriptive words in front of that.

Then we get to the state of the living room itself, which is completely, and utterly, strewn with X-rated paraphernalia of all kinds. And I do mean all kinds. I care not repeat all the various objects, lotions, and so forth that I saw. It was everywhere. There were tables with all the junk on it. It seemed like the only thing this person did with their time was obsess over X-rated things.

And then of course, Mister Happy comes to the door. I am thankful that this one was at least covering some parts of his body with some type of clothing, especially given the state he's currently in. He's winking at me, in that way. But he wasn't covered in much clothing, that's for sure. It left nothing to the imagination, but at least I wasn't looking directly at him. He was a big fella, and I don't mean his waistline.

So he's a portly 50-60 year old man, and certainly very enthusiastic about meeting me. He says he's got the money for the pizza and the tip, but he left it in his bedroom. He then invites me to come inside so I can collect it.

I politely decline. I am not stepping one foot into Captain McFeely's house, thank you very much, but no. So he goes to get the money. I wait outside, ready to bolt if anyone approaches me from anywhere.

I really believe I should have just left, but I am worried that I will have to explain to my boss why I don't have the money for the food. I'm also kind of stunned I'm experiencing all this, and I am not thinking clearly at all. I'm just nervous and nauseous, and disoriented.

The guy is gone for literally 10 minutes, while this loud, obnoxious pornography is blaring in my ears and face. I am getting an odd combination of completely bored and entirely disgusted and very paranoid all at once. I've never felt like that before or since. I don't think they have a name for that particular emotional state.

I am now very certain that this entire setup is a perverse attempt at seduction. And since I've now endured most of it, I am kind of angry as well. I want the money, because putting up with all this and not getting paid for the food I've delivered is just going to make me snap. Finally the guy comes out of his bedroom after doing god knows what, and hands me enough cash to pay for the meal.

I take the cash, and I leave very quickly. I wash my hands as soon as I get to the store. I explain to my boss that I won't be delivering there again, and why. My boss actually agrees.

Good, one freak down, 999 to go.....


Like I said, at least that one was wearing very thin boxer shorts. I have no dramatic tales about the nudist guys, except that I will refuse to give them the food if they don't come to the door clothed. Not that that stops them from walking past the full-length window next to the front door naked every single time I went there, on purpose. Thanks so much for the imagery.

No nudist women, of course. Not once. Just guys, because guys are pigs, in every sense of the word. They physically resemble pigs. I've seen enough, it's like the Discovery channel. It's like wild animals. After a while, it's not even the nudity that bothers you, its the things they try to do while nude.