Re: The Rumble 2013
Day One
Afternoon Day Phase- 5:59 PM
With the death of the Were-baby, everyone breathed a sigh of relief. Perhaps that was a bit premature.
The Gunslinger reloaded his weapons, and ordered everyone to stand in line, pointing Delilah at them menacingly.
"If you think you're clear of danger, you're wrong. You see, that creature over there, was definitely a dangerous thing. But, it couldn't have made the sorts of wounds you'll find on your pizza man's corpse. That means there's someone else here ain't what they appear to be. And I've devised a foolproof method of finding out."
He posted a sign with the following list of names inscribed on it:
Spoiler Alert, click show to read:
"You may use whatever weapons you might have. Let's see you defend yourselves. But I'm warning you... inaction can have its consequences."
BSmith stepped forward.
"Hey! You've got me against the freaking were-baby. That thing is dead! What do you expect me to do?"
The Gunslinger just said nothing.
~~~
Darth Feather stepped forward.
"Uh... where's my partner?"
The Gunslinger asked BSmith to go looking for classical_hero.
~~~
Next up, Diana Abnoba stepped forward, and Double A did as well.
Diana Abnoba had her weapon in her holster, ready to be drawn. "All right, you ole cowpoke. It's come down to this! You, and me."
Double A was furiously folding something, trying to get ready for the fight.
"Heh, you wouldn't happen to be making a weapon out of paper, now wouldja, hon?" asked Diana.
Double A shook his head. "Uh.... no. Nuh-uh! It might look like that, but.... ow... paper cut.... it might seem that way, but looks can be deceiving! Yes!"
Diana Abnoba: "I'm ready whenever you are, slowpoke."
Double A: "Just a second, almost there. Hey, anyone got any tape?"
Diana Abnoba: "ANY DAY NOW would be fine, sweetheart. It feels like it's been a week since we killed the Were-baby. Hurry up."
Double A: "Ready. You should have shot me when you had the chance, for I am Double A, Wild West Samurai. I have fashioned an origami blade out of"
Diana Abnoba: "Paper."
Double A: "HEY! Let me tell the story! It's my turn to tell the story! Well I'm the ORIGAMI SAMURAI, and the honor of defeating you is mine! Now you shall face the Legendary Blade of Double-Edged Double A-ness."
Diana Abnoba: "Did you just say Double A-ness?"
Double A: "Yep, Double A-ness."
Diana Abnoba: "Where'd you get the second one?"
Double A: "Second what?
Diana Abnoba: "Uh.... edge."
Double A: "I crafted it with two, okay miss Abnosy? All right? Okay? ....Let's battle! HI-YAAAAWWW WAT-CHA!!!"
Diana Abnoba: "Okay, one.... two.... three..... DRAW!"
Double A lunged forward with his samurai blade, and screamed like a banshee. He knew he would be able to decapitate Miss Abnoba with a single swing of his legendary blade. For none had opposed him and lived to tell the tale. His countless opponents, innumerable and also quite numerous in number, numbered in the dozens, at LEAST. I mean there had been at least twelve. Six, if you don't count that flock of geese. But that group of cub scouts definitely counts. He made at least one of them cry, I'm pretty sure. He told me so. But anyway, none had seen his legendary blade and lived to tell the tale. It was at least five foot long, if you squint really hard, and also pretend that it is that long. And its edge was sharper than steel, if the steel had been mashed into a plate as thin as paper, and then you know, hit with a hammer a few times. It could break the skin if you moved along the edge on purpose, definitely. And it stings real bad. And none dared mess with Double A after they felt such a wound. The legendary blade of Double A-ness, which had two edges that could hurt real bad, was indeed, double-edged. And the blade was a sight to behold, yes, the legendary twin-edged blade of Double A's Double Edged Double.....
*MUNCH*
Diana's pet lizard looked quite full. Double A had been completely disarmed. Double A fell to the ground, his bottom lip quivering, his eyes tearing up....
Double A: "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! SOMETHING'S EATEN MY A-NESS!"
Diana Abnoba fell to the ground, laughing uncontrollably.
~~~
Next up, edse faced off against El Barto, who wore a sign around his neck that said "dead of kumquats", which to be honest was really confusing and it made me want to strange him, but I couldn't, because I was dead. I hated his new name more than I hated the creature that killed me, if you can believe it.
"So, you are the dreaded outlaw known as El Barto. Been spray-painting anything recently?" taunted Edse.
"Actually, I've given up that life. I'm a born-again Barto. I've converted to the kumquat religion, and I would like to share it with you." said El Barto.
"No! I'm a devout member of [insert random religion here. Okay try this one on for size] ANCESTOR WORSHIP! Yes, I've been an ancestor worshipper since long before there were even ancestors to worship." said Edse.
"That doesn't even make sense." said El Barto.
"Don't belittle my beliefs! When you belittle my beliefs you besmirch my long-bereaved and much belauded deceased beloveds! Not to belabor the point, but I beseech thee not to besmear my beliefs, lest I beset my blades upon thee!" Edse said.
"Be-what?" El Barto said, bemused.
"Begone, foul ridiculer, before I bespatter your blood betwixt my blades!" Said Edse.
Edse drew a long pair of scissors, and held them high, the twin blades shimmering in the setting sunlight. El Barto had no weapon, and watched him, befuddled.
Edse began to thrust and parry, attacking El Barto as if they were engaged in a fencing match. Edse was clearly dominating his imaginary opponent, and showed the kind of swordfighting skill that could only be found in a man waving a pair of scissors around at imaginary enemies.
El Barto, on the other hand, stood at the other end of the street, watching this Edse character bedazzle the crowd with his masterful art.
El Barto shrugged, and grabbed a small rock from the ground, and tossed it at Edse's head from about thirty feet away. The rock bounced off his benighted little head. Edse slowly tipped over, and fell face first into the dusty ground.
"Well, what do you be-know? Be-rock beats be-scissors." said El Barto.
~~~
Meanwhile, EnderBoy and Ferret had already begun their epic battle. They were throwing paper airplanes at each other as violently as possible, and screaming like spider monkeys.
I imagine eventually someone might draw blood, probably from cutting himself.
But let's just call this one a draw and move on.
~~~
Ishmael had just finished watching Diana Abnoba defeat Double A. So he got an idea... he ran off into the desert and found the most poisonous looking lizard he could find.
He brought it back from the desert, muttering to himself how painful its little bites were.
And he passed about before Gaius Scribonius Curio could smash it with a rock.
~~~
johnhughthom, on the other hand, was a little bit wiser. He put on some thick leather gloves, grabbed Ishmael's lizard, and threw it at LazyMcCrow, who was trying to make a gatling gun out of construction paper.
LazyMcCrow, upon seeing the lizard, screamed like a little girl and ran towards the canyon, and dove in headfirst.
I believe the last thing he said before he dove in was "there's a river down there somewhere, right?"
~~~
Makrell wasn't afraid of any lizards. He had been watching the previous duels very carefully, learning as much as he could about this complex strategic challenge.
He saw that Montmorency was running to pick up Ishmael and johnhughthom's lizard, and knew he would have an advantage. He rummaged through his box of weapons, and stepped forward confidently.
"Now, Monty, you will face justice. For I, Makrell, LORD OF ALL FISH, will demonstrate for you why the fish have been around for far longer than any lizards!"
Monty grabbed the squirming lizard, and was having trouble keeping control of it. It was trying to bite, and was spitting venom, and all that. It was really a bother.
"I have studied the complex intricacies of this game, and I have arrived at one inescapable conclusion: I MUST CHOOSE PAPER!"
Monty stood there, holding the lizard. Then he looked at Double A, who picked paper, and was still sobbing, because Diana chose lizard. Then he looked at LazyMcCrow, who was still sailing toward the river at the bottom of the canyon, because he chose paper, and johnhughthom had chosen lizard. Then he looked at EnderBoy and Ferret, who were completely unable to cause any bodily harm to one another whatsoever, and had both chosen paper.
Monty opened his mouth to say something, but thought the better of it. He instead threw the lizard at Makrell, who screamed like a little girl and dove into the canyon.
~~~
Jarema (Because I refuse to call him "Yay!". What blue monkey balls kind of name is that?)
Yes, Jarema faced off against Zack. He was well prepared for battle. He was busy rolling a huge boulder up a hill, muttering to himself how much of a "super genius" he was.
Zack, on the other hand, had no weapon, so he knew he would lose this duel. So he decided to go shopping instead.
Jarema struggled with the massive boulder, sweating under the hot desert sun. The gravel beneath his feet was causing blisters, and the boulder just seemed to get heavier and heavier with every step. But still he continued onward.
Zack, meanwhile, was busy slurping a root beer float at the local cafe.
Jarema was almost all the way up the hill, and felt his strength giving out. He cursed the name of Zack, and pressed onward as hard as he could.
Zack, meanwhile, began playing with the toy that he purchased at the toy store.
Jarema made one last effort to push the boulder to the peak of the hill, and was almost ready to do battle with the hated fiend, Zack, also known as "da beast".
Zack wondered if he should open the package, but his geek began to overpower his nerdliness. And so, Zack pulled someone else named Zack out of the plastic package.
Jarema shouted from the top of the hill: "Prepare to face your death, Zack!"
Zack placed the phaser in the hand of the action figure that looked a lot like Zachary Quinto. "This is Spock. I'm ordering you to fire all phasers! Pkew! Pkew!"
Just then, Jarema's legs gave out from all that exertion. He fell down, and the boulder began to tumble towards him.
"Oh..... yay."
~~~
BSmith dragged classical_hero toward the center of town. He seemed to be sleeping.
"Okay, found him. Go ahead, Darth Feather!"
Darth Feather walked over, and smashed him on the head with a rock.
Classical_hero died instantly.
"Yay! I won!" shouted Darth Feather.
Jarema, tumbling down the hill while smeared against the side of a boulder, shouted back: "Why should I care?"
~~~
BSmith tapped his foot, impatiently. The sun had nearly gone down. The shadows grew long, and covered most of the town.
"I wanna fight someone too. Someone fight me! Someone fight me!"
Visorslash, the were-human-zombie-baby, came up from beneath the ground, and snatched BSmith with his enormous, decaying fangs, and began biting his skull, trying to get at his delicious brains. BSmith screamed in horror as his clothes were ripped off, and the monster attached to his head, not letting go.
He tried beating it off of him with a rock, but that was no good.
BSmith made what only could be described as pig squealing noises as he tried to escape from the hideous undead monster. The flesh was being torn from his head.
Somehow, he made it to a section of the street that was still bathed in daylight, and the creature let go, and burrowed back underground to escape.
BSmith was alive, but he definitely did not win the duel.
~~~
EnderBoy and Ferret were still fighting each other with paper airplanes. It was getting absurd.
"Enough!" shouted the Gunslinger.
RULE CHANGE:"It is hereby resolved: If you tie each other, and you didn't choose 'spock', then you tie and the result of your round is a draw. Draws will be awarded 0.4 points. Wins will be awarded 1 full point, and losses will be awarded zero points. And 'spock' ties will result in instant death, as I foretold."
The Gunslinger paused. "I can't wait all day to resolve ties. Let's keep this moving."
RESULTS SUMMARY:
Match 1
Abstain- WIN
BSmith- LOSS
Match 2
classical_hero- NO ORDERS (DIES)
Darth Feather- WIN
Match 3
Diana Abnoba- WIN
Double A- LOSS
Match 4
edse- LOSS
El Barto- WIN
Match 5
EnderBoy- TIE (non-Spock) survives
Ferret- TIE (non-Spock) survives
Match 6
Gaius Scribonius Curio- WIN
Ishmael- LOSS
Match 7
johnhughthom- WIN
LazyMcCrow- LOSS
Match 8
Makrell- LOSS
Montmorency- WIN
Match 9
Yay!- LOSS
Zack- WIN
Alive: [16/18]
- BSmith
- Darth Feather
- Diana Abnoba
- Double A
- edse
- El Barto
- Elite Ferret
- EnderBoy
- Gaius Scribonius Curio
- Ishmael
- jht (johnhughthom)
- Lazy McCrow
- Makrell
- Montmorency
- Yay! (Jarema)
- Zack
Dead [2/18]
- Abstain (Visorslash) Werehumanbaby [MAFIA]
- classical_hero [TOWN]
BEGIN DUSK PHASE [6pm - 11:59pm] OF THE FIRST NIGHT.
DUSK PHASE ENDS AT MIDNIGHT [3:00 AM Thursday the 30th of May, EDT].
THREAD REMAINS OPEN FOR DISCUSSION.
RULES:
- Those who have night time actions (as described in your role PM) may send them in now.
- If you have no night time actions, you can just sit tight and wait to be eaten alive.
- You have less than 48 hours to PM me this order.
Begin Dusk Night Phase.
Reply With Quote
Bookmarks