De Vita Auli Aurelii - A Romani AAR

[Skullheadhq]

De Vita Auli Aurelii - A Romani AAR

This AAR will be about one man's live: Aulus Aurelius Cotta.
At the moment of writing this, the boy is only 8 years old, and we will see how the Roman Republic worked with all it's complots, assasinations, blackmailing, homosexuality, shady ways to get financing and personal honor.

Introduction: Childhood

262BC: Roma

Aulus Aurelius Cotta, an eight year old boy, was on his way to the grammaticus with his older brother Caius,they had received a lot of homework the other day, which only Caius really made. Aulus went to the race tracks with his amici all the time instead of doing boring homework. which his father forbade him.

But his father wasn't here, he was in Etruria to quell some uprisings, and thus, Aulus was more aat the racing track then at home...

One day a racer from the Green Party was dragged all over the field, and Aulus talked with it about his friends that he was actually feels sorry for him, his father overheard him and confronted him, and Aulus, the smartass he was replied he was talking about Hector, not some kind of a racer.

Anyways, while they were walking towards their 'classroom'. Caius, the nerd, was practicing his homework out loud:
δουλος est servus
ανασσα est domina
Βασιλεύς est rex
...

It was a long way from their huge villa urbana to their old grumpy grammaticus

They were only five minutes from school when they got stuck in an angry mob of protesters:

"WE WANT LORICA SEGMENTATA! WE WANT LORICA SEGMENTATA! AND WHEN DO WE WANT LORICA SEGMENTATA? NOW! NOW!"


The poor boys couldn't continue their way to school, and where stuck in those group of LS maniacs.
After 15 minutes an old senator stood before the people and said:

What do you guys think we are? Some Hollywood Legionaries? You plebs should watch less movies and fight more Gauls...

The people were outraged by this insult, and started throwing stones to the poor old senator and the mob started to invade the senate building, this was the moment the two little boys could finally go to their grammaticus...

[Skullheadhq]

Chapter 2: Iuvenis

8 years later...

This is his big day, Aulus is so happy, and tells everyone today he will togae virilis sumptio and become an official adult.

With tears in his eyes he offers his toys where he played with all his life to the lares, his family and friends applauded, and later that day he would be accompanied by putae, none knew then what his destiny holds for this young man.

2 months later...

In a dream, Iupiter spoke to him, and said:
The plundering of my city hasn't been avenged yet, those stinking Galli are still defiling this earth, you must take the fight to their homes!

Then, Iupiter faded away and Aulus awoke.

Aulus: "Caius, Jupiter appeared in my dreams, he told me to command an army and destroy the Gauls"

Caius: "Omens like that can't be ignored, but you'll have to be 20 to serve as Tribunus Militum, what to do? And who gives away this office?"

Aulus:"The Tribal Assembly *sighs*"

Caius: "And who presides over it?"

Aulus: "Sextus Sepronius Longus, this years Praetor"

Caius: "We..could...somehow..y'know...bribe him?"

Aulus: "But how, I don't have much money!"

A few hours later at the Praetor's house...

Praetor: "Hahahaha, YOU want to be a Tribunus Militum? You've barely taken on the Adult's Toga!"

Caius: "Aulus here has something to offer you in return."

Praetor: "Wha, what on earth could that child give to me?!"

Caius: "He will please your ugly daughter..."

Praetor: "If he would do THAT you'll be Tribunus tomorrow, because the bravery you need to do that is almost superhuman!"

Aulus: "*Whispers to Caius* I want to be Tribune, not a corpse you moron!"

Praetor: "So we have a deal, young Aulus?"

Aulus: "well...okay then..."

The praetor kept his promise and young Aulus was Tribunus the next day, and spoke to the Senate:


"Senatores, many years ago the Gauls plundered our city, razed our temples and killed many fine Roman, and to this day, they paid to little for this. Iupiter Optimus Maximus spoke to me in my dreams, he wants revenge for this vile act! I as Tribunus Militum want to fulfill Iupiter's wishes, and extend our Imperium! Our military can handle this, we defeated the mighty Poeni in 2 years in the Sicilian War, and what can halfnaked lunatics do to stop us? Bwa! Give me command of the Etrurian Legions and I will destroy them, this I swear to Iupiter et Mars!"


All senators applauded and Aulus left the next day, and for his loyalty to his brother, Caius was appointed Assistant-Governer of Capua...

The Siege of Bononia:
Aulus trained his army in 6 months, and then went up north, to raze some Gauls, and the first major town he attacked, was the city of Bononia. A battle to go into the books as one of the most bloody ever...




And in the winter he assaulted, he thought that those half naked celts would be damn cold there, running naked through the streets, but he forgot about the drugs.


In the first wave of assault Aulus stormed through the gates, and flew in a bunch of...Gaesatae!
It was the most horrible thing a general could ever happen...

The Gaesatae first checked his butt...


then knocked him unconscious...


And started r*ping him!


With tears in his eyes and still shaking Aulus fled the city:


His soldiers rushed to avenge him:


And the rapist quickly escaped Bononia...


The Gaesatae fled to Mediolanum and asked and received asylum there...
Nonetheless, the soldiers honored Aulus as their leader, and he decided to the attack of Mediolanum and Segestica, which were both governed by the Aedui Republic, which granted Asylum to the gaesatae....

TO BE CONTINUED!

[HunGeneral]

This seems to become interresting....

[Skullheadhq]

^
thanks

[Jebivjetar]

It's been a long time since the last Roman AAR. I'll be following this!

[Centurio Nixalsverdrus]

This begins very promising, Skullhead. I'll be following this!

P.S. Nice Epeirote empire you got there.

[Skullheadhq]

P.S. Nice Epeirote empire you got there.

And they're expanding into Asia Minor and it is only 253BC!

[Cute Wolf]

Holy dude! How could Avlvs survive this? ohh... poor boy......

[Skullheadhq]

Chapter 3: De Bello Gallico

The Gaesatae fled to the Aedui town of Mediolanum and even granted this pervert asylum, when Aulus heard this, he was OUTRAGED and immediatly gathered his battle-weary veterans from Bononia and marched right to Segestica, and thus:


The small coastal town of Segesta was since a few years controlled by the Aedui Council, and only a small garrison was present, thus it was the first target in the Cisalpina Campaign.


And of course, the town was easily taken and the Aedui Governor was executed at the Town Square, after being humiliated by Aulus his soldiers.



The town was pilaged, the women and children were deported to Roma as slaves and throats of the men were sliced and then the corpses were dumped into the sea. The Senatores were pleased with the amount of female slaves they received, and decided to send Aulus even more troops for his campaign.

Meanwhile the people of Roma cheered as well, an hated enemy was defeated, and the shame of the sacking by Brennus was undone by Aulus. Also, the equites quite enjoyed their new hot blonde celtic slaves as well...

By this, Aulus was even more convinced of his plans to attack Mediolanum, the last Aedui settlement left in Gallia Cisalpina, and with the loot he could get there, he could easily take the fight to Transalpina... but first, the Oppidum of Mediolanum had to be taken.

So, Aulus took his soldiers to Mediolanum, but Eathomos confronted him on the open field...


But those Celts couldn't stop Aulus, he send forth his Lugian Mercenary's to exploit the weakness of these lunatics...armor!



Alas, the Lugians didn't have enough javelins for a warband this size....


Luckily, there's a strength like none other, and nothing on this green earth is stonger then the Roman Legion, because there is nothing on this green earth that is stronger than a Roman Legionary...Legion Strong, Amen!

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eiuWcv-Rp5M

And this unparalleled force killed the enemy general in cold blood:


And then there appeared from the woods, GAESATAE!
They were stoned and angry as hell...


Alas, they were too late to save their comrades from getting impaled...


And Victory was ours, praise Fortuna!


After this glorious victory, Aulus was too tired to sleep with his blonde Celtic slave girls...
Anyway, he took his victorious army to Mediolanum the next day.

The first siege attempt failed thanks to a pyromaniac who torched our ram, but the second time...
This was Aulus his battle, the dual of fates, on the frozen streets of Mediolanum he would face his rapist again, and would Aulus even survive this battle?

Victory means that Aulus regains his honor, but if he would die, he would go into the history book as that wifegeneral that was abused by a Gaesatae...

First he ordered his Hastati to scale the walls...


After that it was a walk straight to the plaza, with the Gaesatae on it...


In a heroic fight Aulus reached the plaza, and there he saw his rapist, he ran straight towards him, but then floating stars appeared around his scrotum, and his (the Gaesatae, duh!) scrotum started glowing...


This was a sign from Iupiter himself! Aulus slew the Gaesatae and offered the glowing Gaesatae penis to Iupiter the same day!



All his soldiers partyed all night long but then the soldier who stood on watch on the wall came running to Aulus his throne

SIR! SIR! WE'RE UNDER SIEGE! A HUGE CELTIC ARMY STANDS BEFORE OUR GATES!



What will happen next?
ONLY TIME WILL TELL!

[Skullheadhq]

nevermind

[Fluvius Camillus]

LOL!

What do you guys think we are? Some Hollywood Legionaries? You plebs should watch less movies and fight more Gauls...

The Gaesatae first checked his butt...

And then there appeared from the woods, GAESATAE!
They were stoned and angry as hell...


In a heroic fight Aulus reached the plaza, and there he saw his rapist, he ran straight towards him, but then floating stars appeared around his scrotum, and his scrotum started glowing...


This was a sign from Iupiter himself! Aulus slew the Gaesatae and offered the glowing Gaesatae penis to Iupiter the same day!




GREAT!! I will follow this, keep it coming!

The only criticism I have:
You mix up Lugians and Ligurians, also you mix up Segesta and Segestica. Everything else is great!

Dont take Mediolanium or you will face the wrath if the Epeirote Empire!

~Fluvius

[Skullheadhq]

Dont take Mediolanium or you will face the wrath if the Epeirote Empire!

~Fluvius

Too late, I'm invading the Epeirote Empire now, but I won't tell exactly how, that will spoil the rest

[Skullheadhq]

Chapter 4: Fat Man's Dead

2 huge Roman armies rushed from the south, one veteran Sicilian army which destroyed the Poeni a decade ago, and another Hoplitai-army recruited in Rhegion.

The besieging forces where quickly flanked and destroyed...


Now Mediolanum was secure, and the shady Gaesatae sacrifice was complete.
After the priests hear about his pious crusade, they appoint him Pontifex Maximus, and given the key to the Vestal Virgin quarters, which he used quite often when his wife was yelling at him at home...
He financed many a temple in Gallia Cisalpina, and razed the Toutatis temples, this made him very popular in Roma.


After this Aulus moved to the Alps, to take his soldiers to their well-deserved ski holiday, and one day when Aulus was snowboarding, he saw a huge celtic army move to Italy, quickly he and his soldiers grabbed their gladii...



Alas they just got owned and Aulus fled to Mediolanum, his army lay dead in the Alps, so he would need a new army...

When he arrived in Mediolanum, he was told that the consul had died. Aulus cried and cried because the consul was his personal friend...



He remembered the good time he had, like the time old Cnaeus walked down the Senate steps, and caused an earthquake which destroyed the entire senate building, or the time he farted, and the roof of his villa urbana was blown off...

Luckily the timing to lose his army couldn't be any better, the Polybian reforms kicked in!



After 10 (!) years of training his army, he shipped in for Greece. The Epeirotes have insulted us a few years ago. The senate bribed an Illyrian settlement, and were happy with the mining profits, but then those evil Epeirotes decided to bribed the settlement back!

When we landed on the shore, we were greeted by steel...


Luckily, not much steel, thanks to the Steel Crisis...



And all went well, before long, our legions stood before the gates of Pella.



And strangely enough, the garrison was a joke.



Because our soldiers were extremely bored after they defeated the Pella Police Department they started raiding Serdike. But we had a little more sword fodder there.



And there were lot's of worthless hoplites, ready to be ripped apart.



Even the velites wanted to plunge their butterknives in the enemy their backs.



And even floating shield were present!



Thanks to this butcherering of levy's, the senate approved of his Triumphus request.



While being in Serdike, the Makedonian Basileus tryed to regain lost lands and backstabbed Pella.



Bravely Aulus approached the besieging Makedonian forces...



And was squashed like a bug!



And if it wasn't enough, our enemies started conspiring against us!



Dark times are awaiting the Res Publica, our forces are drained, enemies besiege us on every frontier, we must be watchful, well at least Aulus would get his Triumphus and cookies.

The World, 232BC

[Centurio Nixalsverdrus]

All Hail Makedonia!!!

[satalexton]

ALL HAIL MAKEDONIA!!!! Down with Barbaropolis! Huzzah! Huzzah! URAAAAA!!!!

By god, I -LIKE- this AAR, very accurate depiction of them Romaioi!

[Jebivjetar]

[HunGeneral]

This keeps getting better and better. It's really funny and yet true!

ALL HAIL MAKEDONIA!!

[Skullheadhq]

^all the above
thanks guys.

[satalexton]

Quite so, I haven't sang this in ages...

To Skullheadhq, Great Hippeus:

Truth and hope in our Fatherland!
And DEATH to every foe!
Our soldiers shall not pause to rest
We vow our loyalty

Old traditions they will abide
Arise young heroes!
Our past inspires noble deeds
All Hail Makedonia!

Immortal beacon shows the way
Step forth, seek glory!
Hoist your Xiphos into the clouds
Hail Makedonia!

Alexandros stood astride this world
He vanquished every foe!
His truth and justice shine so bright
All hail his brilliant light!

Never will he be overthrown
Like mountains and sea
His bloodline immortal and pure
All Hail Makedonia!

So let his wisdom guide our way
Go forth and seek glory
Hoist your Xiphos into the clouds
Hail Makedonia!

[Skullheadhq]

Chapter 5: Fat Man's Burial (micro chapter)
Small Chapter

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

I felt like I had spend too little attention to the death of Cnaeus the Fat.

Aulus fled towards the sea, ran from the silver Makedonian shields, he took the first ship to Roma and arrived there 2 days later, like Ulysses, sleeping on his back. He was just in time for the burial of Cnaeus the Fat...

The cremation was just outside the city, in a theatre...
All guests were sitting on the stairs of the senate, crying an weeping for their recent loss, some were happy as well thanks to the great amount of cash they inherited from him.

Anyways, the priests were walking towards his HUGE body which needed an XXL wooden pile to burn him on, they had to chop an entire forest in Gallia Cisalpina!

The priest approached with the torches, and his wife cryed like her life depended upon it, and our Aulus was told a joke by his neighbour:

"Psss... Aulus, y'know...when Cnaeus was in town, Roma had eight hills!"

And just on the moment Cnaeus body was set alight, Aulus laughed his ass off, all guest were staring at him, and poor Aulus couldn't stop laughing.

All the guests then came running after him with rakes and Aulus had to run towards the ship.
An old lady almost stabbed him with a rake, but he got just in time on the ship, and then he sailed to Illyria again.

[HunGeneral]

"Psss... Aulus, y'know...when Cnaeus was in town, Roma had eight hills!"

HA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH - that must have been the joke of the week for me!

A really good one!!!

[Fluvius Camillus]

HA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH - that must have been the joke of the week for me!

A really good one!!!

Agreed!

Still going good, kicked some Epeirote butt! Lets see how Aulus will redeem himself this time. Probably more Gaesatae coming too!

I meant Patavium instead of Mediolanium in the post earlier, my bad, but it doesnt matter anymore now.

~Fluvius

[Skullheadhq]

Chapter 6: The Empire Strikes Back


After the annihilation of the Greek Legions and the betrayel of the Macedones Illyria needed to be defended, but with what. The solution was delivered by the massive mining income, so that Aulus could afford 3 fullstacks of Mercenary's, another levy hoplite fullstack and a brand new legion...

But help was to late for the Minecity of Serdike:


And the Basileus thought it would be fun to insult us, the sons of Mars!


Almost all Greek men and partisans joined Aulus thanks to his filled coffer, and all Anti-Makedonian partisans were recruited in our army, with promises of freedom and return to the city-states system, of course, Aulus wouldn't do this in the end, the cheating bastard he was...

He and his new generals made an attack plan, the first Aulus ever made in his life.
After much discussion the plan was as following:



The plan was to keep the Makedones busy in the north, and then take a legion and sweep from the south, taking the ungarrisoned Pelopponesos by surprise, then take up a strategic position on the Corintian Isthmus, and thus would keep Makedonia busy on 5 fronts. One in Epeiros, One on the Isthmus, where terrain is our favor, and one in the Kaukasos against the AS, and another one in Syria against the Ptolemaioi and another one in the north against the Epeirote government in exile in Thraika.

This, as was the plan, would effectively bleed the Makedon forces to death, and the Istmus as the Roman Verdun.

But, if the Makedones could break into Epeiros, our whole plan would fail, and Makedonia would rule the world, and thus, the fate of nations depended on Aulus.
And some good news for Aulus as well, he finally has an command star!



And when all preperations where made for the Great Antimakedonian war, those stinking caverats from


Epeiros attacked us! They were the minority, but they had Chaonian Agama from Hell.



Luckily they were easily flanked...



And those rats were send back crying to their evil masters.


After that we faced a short-lived Makedonian invasion of Epeiros, but they immediatly back to Pella, luckily, we were able to hunt down and destroy their strategos.





And within a month, another Makedonian Army attacked Epeiros, the defence was lead by minor Generals.



We learned from our enemies and deployed Phalangitai.



And THAT combined with terrain in our favor and reinforcements...



Meant a win.



The Invasion of Makedonia can now begin...

The World, 230 BC

[HunGeneral]

Say have you been playing this campaing since a while or are you really playing and writing like lightning??? This AAR seems to be growing with record speed... (Fastest I've seen so far.)

[Skullheadhq]

Play with the speed of lightning
And btw, a Caius Iulius Caesar is born.

[Skullheadhq]

Hello dear readers, my only savegame of this is apparently corrupted, why, I do not know, it was a very interesting campaign. I've never seen the AI behave as good as this and I had a lot of fun writing this AAR.

I had big plans for Aulus, since Greece was already subjugated in my campaign, he would get his triumphus, have more wacky Gaesatae adventures, bribed a kingdom for himself etc. etc.

But apparently the evil Bug Overlords wouldn't allow this to happen, and now, I'll probably never see the Marian reforms

Big thanks to all my readers, I hope you guys enjoyed it, here is my goodbye screenshot:




-Skullhead

[Centurio Nixalsverdrus]

I had big plans for Aulus, since Greece was already subjugated in my campaign, he would get his triumphus, have more wacky Gaesatae adventures, bribed a kingdom for himself etc. etc.

But apparently the evil Bug Overlords wouldn't allow this to happen, and now, I'll probably never see the Marian reforms

So you wanted to abandon your plans and become a real Roman, heh?

Zeus-Olympos has sent you the right answer to this heresy when he corrupted your savegame!

[Rahwana]

LOLZ.... actually I'm glad that this AAR is over now.....

[HunGeneral]

To bad this AAR is over... maybe Skullheadhq gained the wrath of Zeus by attacking Makedonia (or did they attack you first?)
Oh well, better luck next time.

(BTW do you happen to use the 20-saves method?)

[G. Septimus]

ACCHHH
I WAS FOLLOWING THIS ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!