Mafia IX: Triumph of the Mafia [Concluded]

[GeneralHankerchief]

Yaseikhaan had somehow acquired a podium, much to the general chagrin of the villagers of the Frontroom. He had been at the pulpit all day, masterfully interweaving proclamations of the glory of Northern Iowa with harangues about how Thermal Mercury was guilty and deserved to die (while conveniently, of course, not even thinking about the possibility of evidence to side the argument in either direction). In addition to this, he was decked out in purple robes with gold trim. All in all, according to him, he gave off the appearance of a gleaming beacon of light in an otherwise hopeless town. However, the villagers mostly regarded him as an annoying blight who needed to be removed.

"And by the grace that is Panther Pride, I say once again that Thermal Mercury has brought this pestilence upon the town, and therefore must be removed, much like how the University of Kansas was removed from the NCAA Tournament by the #9 seed Northern Iowa on Saturday night! Can I get an amen on this, brothers and sisters?! I say, can I get a hallelujah?! Hallelujah! Hallelujah indeed! Strong and fearless we shall strike forth and eliminate our opposition, much like how Northern Iowa will strike forth and eliminate Michigan State in the Sweet 16 on Thursday!" And thus the harangue went on, for hours.

Finally, mercifully, as the sun was setting, Chief of Police Lemur called an end to voting and pontificating alike. "All right khaan," he said, "you have the most votes by a lot. Come on, get down from the pulpit and come on up to the execution platform." khaan did as he was ordered, noticing that there was a large metal pole mounted at the back of the platform that was not there previously. He said nothing as Lemur instructed him to wrap his arms behind the pole and begun tying them there using some rope.

"For today's execution, I have invented a new type of incendiary device that explodes on contact with human flesh only; heavier than a grenade but packing a bit more punch. I've formed it into the shape of a basketball for familiarity's sake. Unfortunately, the device is a lot heavier than I originally anticipated, so I needed to call in someone from the outside to handle it. Therefore, the deliverer of khaan's execution will be University of Kansas point guard Sherron Collins."

khaan, despite his predicament, burst out laughing as Collins gripped the basketball-bomb and prepared to chuck it. "Don't you have a game to prepare for?" he yelled. "Oh wait, that's right, you don't, BECAUSE WE ENDED YOUR SEASON! Ha ha!" Collins, absolutely glowering, shot the ball at khaan but it went wide left.

Lemur retrieved the ball without comment as khaan kept up his barrage of insults and heckling. Collins, lining up for his second shot, came up short as the ball barely made it to the execution platform.

"AIRRRRR BALLLLLLLL!!!" khaan jeered.

And thus it went for the better part of 15 minutes. khaan mercilessly heckled Collins who, try as he might, was unable to shoot the ball-bomb with any accuracy. Finally, Collins, his face absolutely red with rage, stared khaan down while all the while whispering in Lemur's ear.

"Uh, right..." Lemur said with a questioning expression on his face. Collins nodded, and then Lemur shrugged. "Okay khaan, this is going to be it for real. Have you any last words?"

Collins started charging at khaan, leaping into the air, and suddenly khaan understood. "IN THE NAME OF EGLSEDER, AND KOCH, AND FAROKHMANESH, MAY PEACE AND VICTORIES COME UPON YOU ALL!" he bellowed, right before Collins slam-dunked the ball-bomb on khaan's head, the explosion killing them both.

Day 3 tally:
Yaseikhaan: 8 (Sasaki, Beefy, Thermal, Beskar, Blackadder, Methos, Subotan, john)
Thermal Mercury: 4 (khaan, woad, ATPG, TinCow)
Askthepizzaguy: 2 (Reenk, Ibn-Khaldun)
Sasaki Kojiro: 2 (White_eyes, Kage)
Psychonaut: 1 (Winston)
Split: 1 (Psychonaut)
shlin28: 1 (pever)
Kagemusha: 1 (Renata)
pevergreen: 1 (shlin)

Abstained: 3 (Secura, Joooray, Split)
Didn't vote 2: (Sigurd, CDF)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Still alive: (25)
Sasaki Kojiro
Secura
johnhughthom
Askthepizzaguy
Beefy187
Methos
White_eyes:D
Sigurd
Kagemusha
Subotan
Beskar
Captain Blackadder
Joooray
pevergreen
Renata
shlin28
Winston Hughes
Thermal Mercury
Cultured Drizzt fan
Ibn-Khaldun
woad&fangs
Psychonaut
spL1tp3r50naL1ty
TinCow
Reenk Roink

Killed:
Crazed Rabbit
Andres
atheotes
Double A
Centurion1
Csargo

Executed:
Diamondeye
Chaotix
Yaseikhaan

[Winston Hughes]

Excellent write-up.

[White_eyes:D]

Khaan would be proud....

[Renata]

I'm in awe. :D

[Subotan]

Superb

[TinCow]

I appear to be without a master. As I cannot think for myself, I will now accept applications for a new master. If you are interested in the position, please briefly explain why I should mindlessly vote the same way you do without question every single day. All submissions must be less than 100 words long, because I can't be bothered to read anything longer than that.

[Subotan]

I make good pancakes

[Askthepizzaguy]

I appear to be without a master. As I cannot think for myself, I will now accept applications for a new master. If you are interested in the position, please briefly explain why I should mindlessly vote the same way you do without question every single day. All submissions must be less than 100 words long, because I can't be bothered to read anything longer than that.

You should follow me without question, because if you do, you shall have delicious cake that is both delicious and not a lie. Also, I am one of the few who was brilliant enough to also follow Khaan's clearly superior instincts. I hereby volunteer to lead this town to glorious victoly, offering my head as payment should I fail.

[Renata]

I appear to be without a master. As I cannot think for myself, I will now accept applications for a new master. If you are interested in the position, please briefly explain why I should mindlessly vote the same way you do without question every single day. All submissions must be less than 100 words long, because I can't be bothered to read anything longer than that.

I'm the only girl in the game.

[Sasaki Kojiro]

I appear to be without a master. As I cannot think for myself, I will now accept applications for a new master. If you are interested in the position, please briefly explain why I should mindlessly vote the same way you do without question every single day. All submissions must be less than 100 words long, because I can't be bothered to read anything longer than that.

If you follow me without question, I will follow you without question. As long as you vote for who I vote for, I will vote for who you vote for.

[Subotan]

You should follow me without question, because if you do, you shall have delicious cake that is both delicious and not a lie. Also, I am one of the few who was brilliant enough to also follow Khaan's clearly superior instincts. I hereby volunteer to lead this town to glorious victoly, offering my head as payment should I fail.

My delicious pancakes are far tastier than your foul rotten stink-cake.

[Kagemusha]

I appear to be without a master. As I cannot think for myself, I will now accept applications for a new master. If you are interested in the position, please briefly explain why I should mindlessly vote the same way you do without question every single day. All submissions must be less than 100 words long, because I can't be bothered to read anything longer than that.

I will promise you a lynch each day right to the end of the game.

[seireikhaan]

[Beskar]

I'm the only girl in the game.

You hussy.

[Secura]

I'm the only girl in the game.

I'm still here. ¬_¬

[naut]

My delicious pancakes are far tastier than your foul rotten stink-cake.

Lynch him for his pancakes!

[Renata]

I'm still here. ¬_¬

Oh. Well I'll have to get right on rectifying that, then.

(Don't hate -- it's a free vote we're talking here!)

[Subotan]

Lynch him for his pancakes!

No! Who will make TinCow pancakes just the way he likes them now?

[Thermal]

Glad he got lynched simply through the write ups awesomeness.

[pevergreen]

TinCow, you should follow me.

[TinCow]

If you follow me without question, I will follow you without question. As long as you vote for who I vote for, I will vote for who you vote for.

This is the most amusing answer.

The Khaan is Dead! Long Live the Kojiro!

[Andres]

This is the most amusing answer.

The Khaan is Dead! Long Live the Kojiro!

Follow me and be my voice in the land of the living. I promise you an infinite amount of money, to spend in the eternal paradise.

If you don't follow me, I'll haunt you for eternity!

[Beskar]

Andres changed his avatar again, the power abuser.

[TinCow]

Follow me and be my voice in the land of the living. I promise you an infinite amount of money, to spend in the eternal paradise.

If you don't follow me, I'll haunt you for eternity!

If it was my policy to follow dead people, I wouldn't have needed to find a replacement for 'khaan. So, if I accepted your offer, I would be a traitor to my late master. I am a mindless minion, and mindless minions obey without questioning... they do not commit treason.

[Andres]

If it was my policy to follow dead people, I wouldn't have needed to find a replacement for 'khaan. So, if I accepted your offer, I would be a traitor to my late master. I am a mindless minion, and mindless minions obey without questioning... they do not commit treason.

So, if Sasaki would ask you to break the tie between yourself and some other player by voting yourself, you'll obey, mister mindless minion?

[Andres]

Andres changed his avatar again, the power abuser.

My personal restylers adviced me to use this avatar.

You can see it all in the next episode of "Extreme Makeover : Moderators."

[TinCow]

So, if Sasaki would ask you to break the tie between yourself and some other player by voting yourself, you'll obey, mister mindless minion?

Yes.

[Kagemusha]

Yes.

In that case i know just the perfect tie for next round.

[GeneralHankerchief]

Day breaks in the Frontroom. The white van was filled to the very brim with equipment for today's kill.

*ding dong*

Winston Hughes opened the door, already dressed for the day's activities. This was a switch from the mafioso's previous targets, which had been mostly still half-asleep or groggy.

"Oven installation," the man at the door said. "I'm here to help deliver and install the oven you ordered-" He was cut off.

"It's about time you got here," Winston said, "I was told to expect you three hours ago!"

The installer couldn't help but be surprised at this. "Wait... really?"

"Yes, really, Winston said. Now, are you going to install me an oven or are you just going to stand there looking stupid?"

"No, sir, of course not," the installer said, recovering quickly. "It's just that I was told to be at your house... in fifteen minutes, actually. I thought I was early. Right then, let me just go out to the van and start getting things ready."

"You got it," Winston said. "Need any help with bringing anything in?"

"Nope, I can handle it!" the installer called out, already on the way back to his van. "This is an odd coincidence," he said to himself. "He actually was expecting somebody to install his oven? That is *so* weird. I've got to finish this thing up and get out of here before the actual oven installer comes and complicates things." After a minute of rummaging around with the van, he emerged with a plan, among other things.

Walking back up to the doorway, the installer put his plan in action. "As a thank you for ordering with us as well as an apology for having to wait so long, I'd like to offer you this complimentary pizza paddle. Now you can be like the professional pizzerias when handling your delicious pies!"

"Uh, thanks..." Winston said, taken a bit aback, "But I'm not really sure I'll ever need this..."

"YOU'LL TAKE THE PIZZA PADDLE AND LIKE IT!" the mafioso shouted, whacking Winston upside the head with the pizza paddle. Winston spilled to the ground, out cold. Looking around for any signs of neighbors, the mafioso, now looking slightly mad with paranoia, took out a shovel and started digging. Thirty minutes later, he had buried Winston alive on his own front lawn before driving off.

Unlike Winston, johnhughthom had just gotten up and was in the process of his usual morning rituals. These included, in order, waking up, getting up, shaving, showering, having breakfast, and brushing his teeth. Right now, john had finished with getting up, and now, still half-asleep, he was shaving.

Unbeknownst to him, john's electric razor would not work today because, only minutes ago, someone had strategically detonated a low-power EMP right outside his own bathroom window. Naturally, when john turned his razor on, nothing happened. Muttering about the fact that batteries were increasingly unreliable, john reached for his charger and plugged his razor in. Of course, the razor still didn't work.

"What the...?" john said.

*CRASH!!!* His bathroom window shattered open as the mafioso climbed through, evidently having picked up a ladder beforehand. "Here, use this!" he said, handing a straight, cut-throat razor to john. "In a world where we can't trust electricity, some of the old ways still work! Perhaps this experience will persuade you to join a more naturalist lifestyle! Help end humanity's slavish reliance on our electronic masters!"

john simply stood there, dumbfounded.

"Ah, wait," said the mafioso, "You don't know how to use one of these? It's okay, I'll show you," now gripping the razor and standing at john's side. "Well, basically, you stand, and lift up your chin, and just start scraping, but not too much, because you're liable to-" john suddenly went down to his knees, his hands at his throat, gasping for air.

"...cut your throat," the mafioso finished, smirking. He shimmied out of the window and climbed back down.

Later that day, Chief of Police Lemur gathered the remaining villagers in the Frontroom Square in order to make an announcement.

"All right everyone," he said, "It looks like we have four crimes to deal with today. In addition to the two new murders, there has also been an act of terrorism with the detonation of an EMP. Most importantly though, let it be noted that an oven installation service has failed to keep its appointment! Had the actual installer shown up at poor Winston's door at the designated time, he might have been more on guard when the mafioso had come to call! Unfortunately, we're only here today to discuss the two murders, so get on that in the meantime. I'll make some headway with the other two crimes."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Still alive: (23)
Sasaki Kojiro
Secura
Askthepizzaguy
Beefy187
Methos
White_eyes:D
Sigurd
Kagemusha
Subotan
Beskar
Captain Blackadder
Joooray
pevergreen
Renata
shlin28
Thermal Mercury
Cultured Drizzt fan
Ibn-Khaldun
woad&fangs
Psychonaut
spL1tp3r50naL1ty
TinCow
Reenk Roink

Killed:
Crazed Rabbit
Andres
atheotes
Double A
Centurion1
Csargo
Winston Hughes
johnhughthom

Executed:
Diamondeye
Chaotix
Yaseikhaan

Wrath of God Warnings are now in affect. Do not tempt fate.

[Askthepizzaguy]

Thanks. You amuse me as well, mafiosi.