Casey the Casse: a (humorous) Casse AAR

[Hooahguy]

I had time tonight to finish it so here goes:



After our victory, Dejotaros decided to push on. At least that was until he found something called “weed.” Not sure what that is, but it made Dejotaros high as a bird. In fact, he got so high off that stuff that he was incapable to command for the next day.
We dragged the man who gave him the “weed.”

“What is that stuff and where did you get it?” we asked him.
The man replied, “It's called marijuana and I bought it off some aliens.”
Flynnyn went nuts.
After we put Flynnyn in a straitjacket and gagged him, we asked the man, “What do you mean by ‘aliens?’”
“Alien in the sense that he was a foreigner. He had a brown skin, and said he was from Columbia. Don’t ask me where that is, I have no idea. All I know is that stuff is amazing.”
Cian piped in “I prefer magic shrooms.”
The dealer said “have you tried weed?”
“Well, no….”
“So try some! Here…”
I had to end this.
“Stop! There will be no getting high on campaign!”
Just then Dejotaros came in. “what’s all this about getting high? Oh, hello Doug! How does the weed business coming along?

At that moment, a rider burst in.
“Sir! A Lusotanan army approaches!”
Dejotaros wasn’t high so he gathered up the troops and headed out.
Doug said to me: “Wait! Casey! Take some of this. It will help you fight better!”
I accepted it, despite my misgivings.
We started the battle.


Unfortunately, all I remember of the battle was this:



Then I blacked out. Kyros told me later that the ecstasy that Doug thought he gave me was really Roofies. “Just thank the lord that you weren't raped” said Kyros.
Gee, that makes me feel better.

So Kyros will fill you in on the battle:
“After our skirmishers gave the initial volley, they retreated to the safety of the trees. The enemy left flank collapsed almost instantaneously, being so afraid of our Milnaht. Then our Milnaht forced their way into the Iberian center in a bloody brawl, which they won, of course. Lugo led the way, and proved himself more than capable of getting enough blood for the Red Crosses’s blood quota.


On the right flank our Kluddoboro were bogged down with the Lusotanan mercenaries, but eventually defeated them as well. A captured mercenary said that during the fight many of them suddenly became pacifists.


And then Casey woke up from being drugged and began humping that tree over there and then he—“

That’s enough out of Kyros.

But the battle went pretty well, regardless of me being there or not.


The remnants of the Lusotanan army fled into the city.

We got word that a third Casse army had landed. Needless to say, there was much rejoicing, seeing that we would be relieved soon.


We didn't even have a full two days when another Lusotanan army came. It was smaller, but still substantial, and full of elites.


The enemy army lined up and came at us in good order. We lined up our men to meet the enemy.


After a brief but vicious battle, we drove off the enemy army.


But then a trumpet sounded to our rear. There was another enemy force behind us!
Dejotaros had little time to recall our men, who were in hot pursuit of the Lusotanan bait.


So Dejotaros called upon the only reserves he had left- the levy spearmen.
It was almost a suicide mission, but after all, they were cannon fodder.


The levies fought hard, and eventually were able to defeat the elite Lusotanan soldiers only due to numbers. Just when they had achieved victory, the Lusotanan elite cavalry entered the scene.
Luckily, the levies had a bit of an easier time with them than they did with the elite foot soldiers.


We drove them off, and they fled again to the safety of the city.


Again, it was a good battle for us.


Following up on his victory, Dejotaros put Oxtraca under siege.


We would have waited the siege out, but spies reported a large Lusotanan army forming up a few mountains over. We could not wait.


We built a ram and a siege tower to get us into the city, but at the protest of some of the druids, who claimed that such devices were of the devil himself. When they were completed, we had our best men push them to the walls and gate


While they pushed, our men, and an extra battering ram, stood ready.


But then disaster struck: arrows with fire on them set fire to the ram! Our troops manning the ram had to fall back.


But our siege tower made it to the walls safely.


Meanwhile, the eight survivors of the elite foot soldier unit who were tasked with guarding the walls looked on, sensing their impending doom.


Our men poured onto the wall.


Soon, we captured the gate. The eight Lusotanan soldiers posed no real problem for us.
Dejotaros sent almost the entire army into the town.


We were met by the garrison commander and his bodyguard. He had a funny accent, sounded very Gaul-ish. Makes me wonder where the Lusotanan are getting their soldiers. We made short work of the garrison commander and his bodyguard. Incidentally, most of them were vets of the previous battle.


There was also a report of a soldier who went insane while fighting, saying such nonsense like “git some” over an over while mercilessly hacking at the Lusotanan. I'm beginning to worry that the fighting is getting to some people’s head.

Our men ran to the town center, and found little resistance.


We hacked down all those who resisted. Oxtraca was ours.


Dejotaros made a policy of no looting, and tried to keep order as much as possible. But it was hard to control the men after they found the local brothel. Dejotaros, quite by coincidence (or so he claimed) put his headquarters right across the street from the brothel. After discussing with him about our next move in the campaign, I stepped outside for some fresh air.
I looked one way and saw O’bryn chasing after a group of middle-aged whores. Typical O’bryn.
I looked the other way and saw Lugo chasing after some younger whores, shouting “blood!” and the whores running from him in terror. Poor Lugo.
I contemplated stopping the whores and explaining Lugo’s intentions, but I decided to let it play out. I am a horrible wingman, aren’t I?

I settled in for the night, far from the whorehouse. I did not want to stay anywhere near that place. Besides, I have just met a wonderful young woman….

In the morning, I scavenged around the headquarters of the Lusotanan garrison. I looked into a trunk and found a map. It was quite interesting and very colorful. It looked like a map of the world.


I showed it to Dejotaros. He took interest in it too. And so did Kyros. He said that he found a similar map when he was serving with the Getai.
Then Flynnyn showed up and started babbling about it being evidence of UFOs. Cian ran in, punched Flynnyn in the gut, took the map, looked at it, and then ate it.
“I needed to erase the evidence.”

I'm starting to wonder if everyone is going insane….