Casey the Casse: a (humorous) Casse AAR

[gamegeek2]

[Hotseat_User]

Amazing chapter, the one with the lenses - I laid down. Keep it up.

[Ophiokhos]

Great humour, keep it up.

[Hooahguy]

...


After we took Oxtraca, Barae came from Tyde to visit us. He looked very sick, but he insisted on visiting the troops and his heir, Dejotaros.
He went to bed early because he was feeling worse than usual.
In the middle of the night, I heard a horrid bout of coughing coming from the King’s chambers.
I, along with Kyros, Dejotaros, and Lugo, ran to him.
The Bren spoke to me.

“Casey, I think the gods want me back. I won't survive the night, and I would like to tell you what a great concubine you were.”
“My Bren, you are mistaken; I am Casey your bodyguard.”
“Oh, sorry Casey, my bad.”
“Is that it, my Bren?”
“No Casey, that is not all. I want you to know I was honored to have you as a bodyguard for all these years. Kyros, and Lugo, you two are also the finest men I had serve under me. And Dejotaros, remember what I taught you, and do not be afraid to make hard decisions.”
By this time, not a single person in the room had dry eyes. Lugo was so upset that he sat in a corner and cried for the rest of the night.
The Bren continued,
“To all of you, serve well, fight well, and do not forget that you are a Casse! The finest men in the world!”

With that, our Bren passed from this world.


The Casse nation observed seven days of mourning for our Bren.
On the eighth day Dejotaros was crowned Bren.
Argoros, an up-and-coming young man from Bringhamton, was chosen the heir.


Now that things were back to normal, we turned back to our Iberian campaign.

Bren Dejotaros met with us for the next move.
The new general, Mwgoon, was itching to get into combat, so we sent him to take Sucum-Murgi, the new capital of the Lusotanan. My posse and I, along with Cian’s unit, tagged along for the ride.

En route, he was attacked by a medium sized army.


The terrain was very hilly, more than usual. I have a feeling that this battle will tire our men out very quickly.


Mwgoon had placed the slingers and Caledonians in the front of the line. After delivering a few volleys, they fell back.

All along the line, fierce fighting erupted.




For a while it was a stalemate, but then a lucky hot by a Kluddoboro took down the Lusotanan general.

(an insanely lucky screenshot by me)

Cian came to me later and said that he was considering rewarding the man who killed the general.
“Why?” I asked.
“Well, anyone who could’ve taken that swing before me definitely deserves some sort of award.”
“But wouldn’t that show weakness in you?”
“Hmmm, you are right… that mofo is gonna die now!”

Then he stormed off, fuming.
And now I feel really guilty. I think we need to put that unlucky soldier under Witness Protection, can't risk Cian getting to him.

Back to the battle…..

With the death of the enemy general, a general retreat was sounded for the Lusotanan forces. But what started as an organized retreat quickly collapsed into a rout as our men pressed forward.


We chased the enemy into the forest…


…Where it quickly became a bloody version of “hide and seek.”


Our men chased down the last routers. During this time Flynnyn reports seeing a UFO, then began weeping. If it was because of Bren Barae’s death or how the UFO didn't take him with them, we won't know. But I really hoped that they would just hurry up and take him already, he’s getting really annoying.


After the battle, I looked over the field of conflict. Bodies as far as the eye could see. Then I felt something squish underneath me as I took a step forward. I looked down and realized I was standing on a dead soldier’s bloody chest. I recoiled in horror, as I saw his hollow eyes and face contorted with pain staring back at me. I ran as fast as I could back to my unit, and then threw up.
When will this awfulness ever end?


Despite the horrors of the day, it was a clear win for us.


The Lusotanan survivors fell back to the city. A day later, we put it under siege. A week later, it surrendered without a fight. As Mwgoon and his army in Sucum-Murgi celebrated their first victory, I rode to Dejotaros and his army in Oxtraca, where they were just setting out to go after the next Lusotanan town.

[jirisys]

What happened to the updates?

~Jirisys ()

[Hooahguy]

patience, young grasshopper.
'tis finals season!

[Cute Wolf]

good luck Hooah... and don't play EB until the exams are finished

[Ludens]

good luck Hooah... and don't play EB until the exams are finished

[jirisys]

good luck Hooah... and don't play EB until the exams are finished

Why not? I do it all the time (ang get A's)

~Jirisys (Jirisys Einstein!)

[Hooahguy]

because im not smart like you.

[Hooahguy]

School is over and i now have time to update!



Dejotaros and his men, along with Lugo, O’Bryn, and me set out for the new Lusotanan capital, Numantia. Yntyn and Cian opted to stay back and party with the rest of Mwgoon’s army after they took Sucum-Murgi. Flynnyn also decided to stay back, because he was still looking for that UFO he claimed he saw during the last battle.

Anyhow, we made the trek to Numantia, where I hear it's a mystical place, full of strange creatures and customs. We shall soon see. As we marched into the province, a wooden sign greeted us. It said “Welcome to Celtiberia: Land of the Roof Fish.” I wonder what Roof Fish are…


The garrison of Numantia met us for battle. They clearly are not the friendly type.


Dejotaros deployed our slingers on the flanks, skirmishers in the middle, and the cavalry on the far flanks. Infantry was, as always, in the center.


After a dozen or so volleys, the slingers fell back behind the line, as the skirmishers went into action.


All of a sudden, some Lusotanan medium spearmen went right past our skirmishers on the right flank and began turning around to flank them. Lugo made no hesitation, drew his sword, and charged. The rest of the unit followed suit.


Our medium swordsmen charged into a group of Lusotanan skirmishers, and quickly hewed them down. After they were done, they joined the fight against the enemy spearmen.


The Lusotanan commander sent in some light spearmen to help out the spearmen fighting Lugo and his men, and possibly flank them if they could. Seeing this, Dejotaros sent another unit of heavy swordsmen to flank the flankers.


While this was going on, the left flank was pretty quite as our slingers pelted the enemy with stones. Why the enemy never ran forward to engage, we don’t know. Maybe they were content with being bombarded with rocks? After the slingers were down to only ten rocks each, our cavalry charged, routing the Lusotanan left flank.


The enemy was routing, and we gave chase.


The battle was soon over, and with very light losses.


The city was undefended and we marched right in.
With the defeat of the garrison of Numantia, the Lusotanan had only one semi-large army left.


But we didn't have to worry about them just yet. Heavy snowfalls mean that it's a two-week march from the nearest Lusotanan camp to Numantia.
We explored the city, and soon found out what Roof Fish were.
Me, Lugo, O’Bryn, and one of Dejotaros’s aides, named Seymour (he was quite fat), went to the city elder and asked. He merely pointed up. There was a can of beer hanging from a string.
The elder said “Do not try to take the object on the string, or you are kaput!”
Seymour laughed. “That’s ridiculous!”
Then he grabbed the can.

He flew up through the hole in the ceiling and we heard a loud scream. His bones weren't found until the next morning.
We stayed away from anything on a string after that.

We then went to see some local boys playing a game called “Soccer.”
I was about to ask them what “Soccer” was, but O’Bryn stopped me.
“Casey, “Soccer” is what we call “Football” in Briton. The Iberian tribes, under a united league called “Spain,” have a professional team, and they are quite good.”
“Does Briton have a team?”
“Yes, but we don’t like to admit it, because our goalie is so incompetent.”
“Oh.”

The next day Dejotaros came to us with a proposition.
“You three have served your Bren well for the past decade or so. I am granting you three, as well as your three friends back in Sucum-Murgi a month long vacation back in Briton.”

We were overjoyed, but we all thought it was best to stay and help the Bren. He told us not to worry; a cease-fire was in the works with the Lusotanan. Still we insisted that we stay.
“Well, ok, but come back if you change your minds.”
We went outside and saw a two-headed cow being hauled up by some Roof Fish.
We hurried back inside and took up Dejotaros’s offer to take vacation time in Briton.

We traveled to Sucum-Murgi and got Cian, Yntyn and Flynnyn, and headed to Tyde for the boat home.
A month later, we arrived in London.
Things were quite different back home then what we remembered.
It seems like “teatime” is a regular institution here. In the afternoon for about an hour or so, everyone just stops and drinks tea and chats quietly, even soldiers.


How disappointing. I’ll bet that the world will now see us as a dainty, calm and reserved people that wouldn’t hurt a fly. If they only knew whom the Britons used to be….
There is also a holiday in the south called “Well Dressing.” All they do is make wells nice to look at for a few days before the horrid British weather ruins it all. Lame.

We decided to travel north, in the hopes of finding more interesting things to do. And we were right! The people up north are so interesting! There is a thing called “Cheese Rolling,” where you roll a big circle of cheese down a hill and you try to catch it. But it's quite dangerous, for Lugo almost broke his legs. We then participated in Up-Helly-Aa, where we dragged a boat through town and then lit it on fire, making a spectacular bonfire. But the custom does not go very well with the Straw Bear Festival, for we accidentally gave the straw bear third-degree burns. Oops.
Then we came across the best custom of all— Dwile Flonking! We got so drunk from this game that we don’t recall what the rules are, but all we remember is that it involves a lot of beer and no Roof Fish.

[Cute Wolf]

Geez... another funny updates from Hooahguy...

Why not? I do it all the time (ang get A's)

~Jirisys (Jirisys Einstein!)

and then, don't whine about exams now, do the skinning

[jirisys]

Geez... another funny updates from Hooahguy...




and then, don't whine about exams now, do the skinning

I didn't play EB this time, i studied because... idk... i wanted to get and A+

~Jirisys (for a leader you have a lot of pacience (so much you haven;t told me precisely what you want me to do))

[gamegeek2]

jirysis, join our mod instead! Rawr!

btw, great update!

[Rahwana]

jirysis, join our mod instead! Rawr!

btw, great update!

* Whipping Cute Wolf to sent the order...
Darn, we have such reckless mod leader....

[Cute Wolf]

ok ok, actually I'm just too busy reskinning them myself, now I allready sent Jiri's order.... please don't mad with me Sonic

[Nyz]

jirysis, join our mod instead! Rawr!

Hmm Jirsys... Gamegeek also a slavemaster.....

[Hooahguy]

lets keep the chat related to the AAR, shall we?

[Hooahguy]

-


After a few days of merrymaking, I went home, as did the rest of the guys. To my surprise, there was a government official at my house.
“What’s going on?” I asked.
The official said “The gold well in your backyard decided to take a Bank Holiday. As of now are whipping the well in hopes that it will begin spurting gold again.”

I have such faith in our government.

I went inside the cottage I used to call home. My brother and his wife were there.
“Where’s Mom and Dad?”
“Dead. While you were out conquering Iberia.”
“How?”
“I’ll assume you are familiar with the thing called “bog snorkeling?”
“Oh no! Did they drown in the bog?!”
“No, I just wanted to know if you knew what it was. Mom and Dad died of old age.”

Later, I came across Denica, my old sweetheart from before I deployed. She looked very beautiful (and was still single, for some reason), and we began talking, catching up on old times. It wasn’t long before things got hot and heavy. I would go into more detail but I don’t want to break forum rules.

I woke up the next morning with her in my bed. We got up, got dressed, and then realized that we just technically got married. We hurried to the local druid and made it official. We spent the rest of the day together by the lake, talking and having a good time. It was such a shame that I was redeploying to Iberia the next day.

That evening all the guys met at a tavern in Ictis, the evening before we get on a boat to go back to Iberia to rejoin Dejotaros’s army. After the customary cheers, Yntyn rose to speak.

“My friends, this morning I rose with the expectation that I would be rejoining you in Iberia. But at noon, a government courier arrived with the letter that my time in the service is finished. So I have decided not to re-enlist. I have a wife at home, and I want to stay with her and have children. Soldiering is just not my thing. I guess this is my goodbye to you all.”

Cian spoke up.
“I always knew you were a yellow-bellied coward.”

Kyros intervened.
“Cian, shut up. Yntyn, we are all very happy for you, and we wish you best of luck in civilian life!”

There were congenial nods around the table, and then Yntyn spoke again.
“I wish you all luck in Iberia in defeating those Lusotanan bastards, and stay safe you guys. Hopefully we will be able to get together again on your next leave!”

And with that, Yntyn toasted the rest of us, downed his mead, and then walked out of the tavern and out of our lives.

“Can't say I’ll miss the yellow-bellied coward,” Cian said.
“I agree, Flynnyn said, “he refused to believe in UFOs!”

The next morning the group, one short, headed to the docks. We all had roaring headaches, especially Cian, who drank more than usual. He claimed that he was drinking to the fact that Yntyn left and there was one less coward in the army, but I swear to you, when Yntyn walked out that door, I saw tears in Cian’s eyes.

We arrived back in Iberia in late spring of 230 BCE. We got back to Dejotaros. He told us that we are going after Arse.
“Yes sir, I know we are going after some butt-kicking, but where are we going to do it?” asked Kyros.
“We are going to Arse.” Dejotaros replied.
“Sir, I know we are going after ass, but WHERE?!”
“No you idiot! There’s a city called “Arse” that is occupied by the Lusotanan and we are going to take it!”
“Oh.”

The whole bunch of us, minus Flynnyn (He was very sick with the measles so he couldn’t come with us. Of course, Cian had to comment how he really belonged in the psych ward) joined the army heading towards Arse. Not long after we crossed the border, we were intercepted by a medium sized army.



The enemy presented battle among a large forest. Dejotaros does not like forests very much (“There’s a billion splinters waiting to happen in there” he was once quoted as saying) so he moved us to a clearing, where we could see what was going on and where the enemy were.


As the Lusotanan came closer, Kyros and his men had a swell time pelting the heck out of the advancing Lusotanan troops.


Our Milnaht, always bloodthirsty, led the charge on the Lusotanan lines.


But the Lusotanan commander stretched his line out so it would snake out and they could wrap the flanks around us.


Cue Cian and his men.


Some Gallic mercenaries helped us by hitting the enemy from behind.


Not long after the massive battle in the center (among trees, ironically) went our way and soon the battle was in our hands.


Cian, Lugo, and their respective units were able to trap the last routing unit, which almost got away.


The battle was won with only 84 fatalities on our side.


We were also able to capture a few men.
We asked them where they were from, and they said Arse.
Kyros could help but ask “If your city is called Arse, what do you call your buttocks?”
“Our Numantia.”
We could help but laugh.
Later the captured men were sent home on the grounds of unbounded ridiculousness.

We soon got to Arse and put it under siege. Soon after that, a very small force (two units- a unit of spearmen and a unit of skirmishers) came to somewhat relieve the garrison. It wasn’t much, but the garrison came out anyways to help. This was the chance we were waiting for, to wipe out the enemy garrison without having to storm the city itself.


We deployed under a bright sky, and in view of the lovely Mediterranean Sea.
The small enemy army came at us from the north. Arse was to the south-west so we assumed the garrison would come from there, and Dejotaros set up accordingly. But the garrison snuck through the woods and came from the north-west. We were being flanked.


Dejotaros had to think fast. He quickly moved the line to face the garrison while he sent two units of slingers and O’Bryn’s unit of Caledonians to deal with the small relieving army. But to do so everyone had to double-time it.


The main lines collided, then separated into two fights— one on the left and one on the right.



During the fighting, the enemy general began to wade through, but hung back far enough so there wasn’t a huge chance of him dying. Lugo, after he and his unit sent a unit of Lusotanan spearmen fleeing towards the hills, saw this, and they charged. A unit of mercenaries saw this too and charged as well. It was now a race to see who could get to the enemy general first.


Lugo won. Just before the mercenaries made contact, they saw two enemy units move up to protect the enemy general, so the mercenaries fell back. But Lugo and his men were not wimps, so they charged straight into the enemy mass.


Our axmen, after cleaning up some Lusotanan skirmishers, charged in to help.


More and more men joined the fight as the rest of Lusotanan army crumbled and fled. Dejotaros sent in our spearmen, who were fresh, to help.


Even the mercenaries got courage and went around to the back and flanked the enemy.


We had encircled them— well almost.


Someone got lucky and killed the enemy general.


The enemy remnants broke and ran, and we hunted them down, leaving very few men left.
The battle was over and Arse was ours.



After the battle, I went looking for all my friends. I found Lugo and Kyros, but I could not find O’Bryn. I asked his friends. No one had seen him. I looked at the bodies of any Caledonian who had fallen. It was hard because of the tall grass, but a cursory look yielded no body either, which was a small relief. But we were worried.

Dejotaros came by and asked what was wrong.

“Sir, O’Bryn is MIA.”

[Rahwana]

Later, I came across Denica, my old sweetheart from before I deployed. She looked very beautiful (and was still single, for some reason), and we began talking, catching up on old times. It wasn’t long before things got hot and heavy. I would go into more detail but I don’t want to break forum rules.

I woke up the next morning with her in my bed. We got up, got dressed, and then realized that we just technically got married. We hurried to the local druid and made it official. We spent the rest of the day together by the lake, talking and having a good time. It was such a shame that I was redeploying to Iberia the next day.

LOL!
Do the druids bless the marriage too?

[Ibrahim]

We were met by the garrison commander and his bodyguard. He had a funny accent, sounded very Gaul-ish. Makes me wonder where the Lusotanan are getting their soldiers. We made short work of the garrison commander and his bodyguard. Incidentally, most of them were vets of the previous battle.


There was also a report of a soldier who went insane while fighting, saying such nonsense like “git some” over an over while mercilessly hacking at the Lusotanan. I'm beginning to worry that the fighting is getting to some people’s head.

Our men ran to the town center, and found little resistance.


We hacked down all those who resisted. Oxtraca was ours.


Dejotaros made a policy of no looting, and tried to keep order as much as possible. But it was hard to control the men after they found the local brothel. Dejotaros, quite by coincidence (or so he claimed) put his headquarters right across the street from the brothel. After discussing with him about our next move in the campaign, I stepped outside for some fresh air.
I looked one way and saw O’bryn chasing after a group of middle-aged whores. Typical O’bryn.
I looked the other way and saw Lugo chasing after some younger whores, shouting “blood!” and the whores running from him in terror. Poor Lugo.
I contemplated stopping the whores and explaining Lugo’s intentions, but I decided to let it play out. I am a horrible wingman, aren’t I?

I settled in for the night, far from the whorehouse. I did not want to stay anywhere near that place. Besides, I have just met a wonderful young woman….

In the morning, I scavenged around the headquarters of the Lusotanan garrison. I looked into a trunk and found a map. It was quite interesting and very colorful. It looked like a map of the world.


I showed it to Dejotaros. He took interest in it too. And so did Kyros. He said that he found a similar map when he was serving with the Getai.
Then Flynnyn showed up and started babbling about it being evidence of UFOs. Cian ran in, punched Flynnyn in the gut, took the map, looked at it, and then ate it.
“I needed to erase the evidence.”

I'm starting to wonder if everyone is going insane….

dude, animal mother references = pure win

[Qvintvs]

Heey... Hooahguy... did ouusethe "Hooahguy, you`ve used this joke again?!" joke again?!

[Hooahguy]

Heey... Hooahguy... did ouusethe "Hooahguy, you`ve used this joke again?!" joke again?!

i dont think so, why?

[Qvintvs]

Why not?

My mind must be letting me down....

[Hooahguy]

well if you use a joke too often it gets boring.

[Cute Wolf]

please continue with moar!

[Qvintvs]

Okay, now that about my mind letting me down - to my disappoitment, after I returned from a vacation, i found out out that my memory has really worsened. It must have been so hot there that a part of my brain has fried.

[Hooahguy]

Im very sorry Qvintvs-
Things have been very busy here, Ive all but forgotten about this AAR, my deepest regrets. Its still on tab for me, Im definitly going to continue it, but for now its on hold.
So sorry.