You have two cows...

Yes it was only a matter of time until the "You have two cows" joke thread was to come by one Abokasee :2thumbsup: , so here we are
(This one was written by me and is proberlly the longest you have 2 cows ever :yes: )

Spore

You have 1 cow, it is 2d and 1 ridiculously small but it some how survives and becomes a slug like cow, which eats 10 blades of grass and gets 2 long legs at the back and 2 decent ones at the front and a mouth with 3 tentacles, you then some how find 9 other cows witch look exactly the same, you then call for 1 female cow and “make love” with it in the open, then 3 farmers come and try to take the eggs, but your fellow cows kill them, the eggs hatch and you decide that you cows now jump like frogs and have 10 claws and a pair of mandibles, you then become a baby version of this cow along 4 others, you then grow up and get a better brain, and become a tribe which has 14 other cows you have 1 barn and some drums out side, and you buy a spear rack and go and kill some other cows, the other tribe of cows now has only 5 of the 10 they originally had, whilst your village now has 49 cows, you become a small city, all your cows make milk out side of the city and decide to go take over some other cow cities, you take over all the other cows with 12 Legged cow mechs and cow helicopters, your total population of cows is 12412 cows, you get a UFO and fly out of orbit and you abduct 12 sheep and then go over a moon and make some volcanoes and make a massive hill and create a new city on there and they complain because there is no milk, so you drop the sheep on the planet, 4 die because there is no atmosphere but the of 8 just land in time for there to be atmosphere, you then genetically enhance these sheep so they can make milk and milk them selves at the rate 152 cows and have 50 necks each having 4 mouths at the end, you discovered there are no plants so you make a new plant which populates the entire moon, you then discover 4 of your cow cities have just been destroyed by wolfs, causing the deaths of 1442 cows you now have 2124521 cows and 5153 super sheep and you decide to kick the invading wolfs off the planet and you atom bomb a few of the wolf cities and you also create a few more cow cities on other planets (one of them looking like a giant wolf so you make it look a cow) the wolfs destroy one of your planets, you now 42411215 cows, so you destroy the a whole solar system populated entirely by wolfs, the wolfs make peace, you ally with octopi who have 1241212421 octopi, and you decide to make a planet from scratch, it has massive hills, with a atmosphere and 1 big river, and place a monolith on it and populate entirely with goats, you log off and drink some larger, you log back on and find the goats on the planet have evolved into to super goats which can jump from one hill to another and now control over 24 planets, while you have 125, wolfs having 95, and the octopi having 214, you have 10241511251 cows, 245215 sheep, the goats have 21141 goats the octopi have 241521215121521512 octopi, a war breaks out between the wolfs and the goats, the goats win and the wolfs are now slaves to goats and will become extinct in 2 weeks, the sheep on your planets suddenly evolve and a war breaks out (there are 12412421215412 sheep, and 104415112151 cows) and then octopi go to war with Spartans, the Spartans have 300 planets and 300,000,000 Spartans the super saiyan octopi have over 9000 planets and over 9000,000,0000000 octopi, the Spartans win and then go to war with everyone, everyone dies, you have 1 cow, the Spartans have 300 Spartans, you can guess the rest.

So you post yours, try not to say rude stuff

whatever it is you´re smoking....I want some of that :laugh4:

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Ronin

whatever it is you´re smoking....I want some of that :laugh4:

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I second that ~D

I don't, that's must be some dangerous thing he's smoked or eaten or whatever.

Hawaiian Paddo's no?

Someone ate too many skittles. :clown:

Abokasee you are and remain one of my favorite Orgahs to this day. LONG LIVE THE BARTIX THREAD!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/You_have_two_cows

It's an old political/geographical joke, but still worth a few laughs.

Mine:

Real Lives: You have two cows. Both of them have goiters. One of them hit you with a brick.

The Org: You have two bulls. One of them insists that WWII started with the Second Japenese-Sino War, the other is too busy looking at the babecow thread to argue.

Odd, but I'll let it run for now.

I'd say I'll add a few too, but that would be political stuff so...

Anyway, I like them cow jokes...when I understand them that is...

The Internet: You have two cows. One of them is a gold farmer on World of Warcraft, the other one's watching pr0n.

Rome: Total War :
You have two cows. You set them on fire and send them running towards the enemy elephants to make them stampede and run away from your army. They stampede into your army anyway and kill half your troops

World of Warcraft:
You had two cows, but the last patch nerfed them so badly you now use a goat.

World of Warcraft:
<Trade - Orgrimmar>Bigbeef: WTS [Two Cows], 20g. /w me
<Trade - Orgrimmar>Arkarian: lol, n00b, [Two Cows] is quest item, so soulbound, rofl.
<Guild>Arkarian: lol, some guy tried to sell [Two Cows]
<Guild>Somedutchguy: hahaha, what a n00b.
<Trade - Orgrimmar>Bigbeef: WTS [Two Cows], 20g. /w me.

Counter Strike:
You have 2 cows. One is a noob the other is a f****** wallhacker.

Grand Theft Auto:
You have two cows. You insert weapons cheat #7, load cow #1 up with 600kg of explosives, and blow him up. A police officer walks by, and does nothing. You then beat cow #2 to death with a baseball bat. Again, a police officer walks by, and does nothing. You bump into a police officer, and gain a six star wanted level, and are taken down by 16,978 SWATs dropped from helicopters

Tetris:
You have two L-shaped cows, but you really need two |-shaped cows.

Tekken:
You have two cows that bear a striking resemblence to Virtua Fighter

Thief - The Dark Project: You have two cows. Now you have one cow. Now you have no c- *THWACK* *thud*

Marvel Ultimate Alliance: You have two cows. If you include them in a team with a chicken and a pig, you get the Farm Animals bonus.

Dark Age of Camelot: You have two cows. One of them is just a buffbot for the other.

Harvest Moon: You have two cows. You get both of them pregnant just so you can sell the milk. You then throw away the worthless calves when born and get the cows pregnant again for more milk.

The Internet: You have Tucows. Within a year, nobody cares anymore and just goes to FilePlanet.

Operation Flashpoint: Cow One, move to Foxtrot Golf Two Tree.
Cow Two, get in Hind, Foxtrot Golf Two Two.
This is Cow One. I'm under attack!
This is Cow Two. Oh no! Cow One is down.

Two cows you say?

https://img504.imageshack.us/img504/...rdollaroa5.jpg

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eVkA4gtjX6I

Rome:Total War I
You have two cow standarts. Romans will want to recuperate the cows asap.
Rome:Total War II
You have two cows. One is offered to the enemy so they surrender, buy a bull from the Spanishards, and you have denarii forever!
~D

(I know, they suck)

Hysterical stuff Moros & Kek! :laugh4:

If you have two cows, why would you need an utter? And don't say "be cud".

That reminds me of the wise adage:

"To err is human, to moo bovine."

RTS:
You have 2 cows. You set 1 to gathering wood, the other builds a barracks. You then run out of gold, so you have to buy another cow, but you can't since you reached you pop. limit.

Tour de France:
You have 2 cows. Both are removed from the race because they took steroids.

Ancient Sparta:
You have 2 cows. Both are trained to be warriors, so you have to subjugate the goats and horses. When the Chickens attack, you pronounce you are defending an extremely limited form of 'Freedom'.

Indian Economy:
You have 2 cows. You build a call center, give the cows a language course, and then you start selling mortgages and credit cards.

:charge:

RTW: You have two cows. Then the Romans get Marius so your enemy has two moose.

RTW: You have two cows. The EB team comes in and produces a document saying that cows were not introduced to the ancient world until 107 AD. They leave your cows out of the mod.

RTW: You have two cows. The peasants in Corduba, Tarsus, and Jerusalem (to name a few) riot despite low taxes, a full garrison, and tons of happiness buildings, and the cows die in the riots.

M2TW: You have two cows. The Pope issues an edict saying that cows are unholy and you must get rid of one or you'll be excommunicated. You have one cow. The Mongols come and slaughter it.

My favourites:

"Surrealism: You have two green cows, which you place on the inverted staircase next to the horseradish-festooned vacuum cleaner lamp."

"Stalin: Your cows never existed."

https://img297.imageshack.us/img297/3145/stalindw9.jpg

Sicilian model, you have two cows, it would be a shame if somehting happened to them.

Caesar II:
You have two cows, more cows are needed.....more cows are needed.....more cows are needed.....more cows are needed.....

Diablo:
You have two cows but you're no milk maid.

I'll get my coat...

Another Surrealism: You have two giraffes. The government says you must learn to play the harmonica.

300: You have two cows. AND THIS IS THE FARMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!

Stronghold: here comes the cow.

Belgium: you have to cows. They are united. In order to keep the two cows united, you partially split them up and you create sub cows which are basically the same two cows, which form one unitary cow, but they are only split concerning their milk. Than, you create new sub cows, which are basically again the same two cows, but now they are split concerning their booo's, now, not exactly, one cow says booo... the other says beuh... You also create a third sub cow, actually, two third sub cows, the one belonging in the first category of sub cows, the other one to the second category of sub cows. Both third sub cows are related and situated in the original two cows, but aren't really the same. Within one of these sub cows, the second form of sub cows are situated as sub sub cows, also, for some reason, the second form of sub cows reunite again and form a different form of sub sub cow within one of the third form of sub cows . In the end you still have two cows, organised in a system of nine sub or sub sub cows. One third of the population is needed to make this system work, but surprisingly, it doesn't work. You end up living in the country with the most tax paying population of the world. But, the cows give beer, so you don't really care.

Canada: You have two cows. Your neighbour comes over and says, "Hey, nice cows."

cough...

Netherlands You are a cow. You are being milked.

Denmark: You have two cows. The Middle East won't buy your milk and cheese.

RTW Blue Lotus: You have 2 cows, they are sacred to you because you are playing the indian faction, the 1050 stronge bears wolfs and eagle rebels kill your 760 strong army on the 4th turn, 11th turn 1 cow dies and his calf becomes faction leader even though his stats are a supreme failer, he is killed by Demons and the other cow has a son which dies in next turn along with the cow

Surrealism: You have 1512 Flamingos, they are armed with AK 101's and worship the camel king who has a Enfeild Bolt Action Rifle and 4 grayhound body guard who are armed with L85 and can wall hack

Black & White: You have 2 cows, you feed 1 to your giant cow and sacrifice the other so you can cast a fire ball to throw at the enemy town

Black & White (2): You have 2 cows, you put them both in the storage and wonder why the turn into grain and not meat

Black & White 2: You have 2 cow, they bitch and moan about theres no multi-player

Black & White 2 Battle Of the Gods: You have 2 cows, there still moaning, but you send one to the abatoir and set the other on fire,

COMMUNISM -- CHINESE - MAO STYLE: You have two pigs. The government launches a campaign to convince you to donate them "voluntarily" to provide meat for workers in the city. The government then declares that people don't need pigs to make pork. Quoting the correct phrases from your little red book, you and your neighbors try to create pork from sheer willpower. Your local party leader reports that you have exceeded all expectations. Your neighbors starve.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Beirut

Canada: You have two cows. Your neighbour comes over and says, "Hey, nice cows."

cough...

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Cananda: You have two cows. Their milk comes in bags.

:tongueg:

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Rythmic

300: You have two cows. AND THIS IS THE FARMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!

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:laugh4:

TONIGHT WE DINE ON BEEEEEEFFFFFFFFF!!!!!!


Internet: You see two cows. You realize you forgot to turn off Google Safesearch.



OK, OK, I'm going...:shame:

:laugh4::laugh4::laugh4::laugh4::laugh4::laugh4:

Great one m8

TYOLT: You have two cows, one spams that he isn't spamming the other spams that spamming is wrong.

TYOLT2 :You have 20 cows who all speak a different language. 3 dutch cows comes a long and take over the farm. Three new Belgian cows come and take over the Farm.

Frontroom : You have two cows, one carries an axe and the other has an unpronounceable name.

Abokoix: YOU HAVE 2 COWS BUT WHO REPLACES THEM AND WHAT UNITS DOES IT HAV!!!!????
:help: :help: :help: :help: :dizzy2: :dizzy2: :dizzy2: :dizzy2: :book: :book: :book: :help: :help: :help:

Backroom: You have two cows. One is Liberal the other is Republican. Ten posts later, you have 0 cows, but 4 warningpoints.

Gameroom: You have two cows, one is mafia the other towny. The latter gets lynched and the former gets to be director.

RyanAir: You get two cows for free. You end up paying for their transportation, the food they ate, the number of times they needed to get milked,...

Argentina: You have two cows. One is given in taxes to the gov, the other is producing milk since there is lack of milk.

***End Turn***

In the next turn, you have to give another cow. You give the other cow and you will be dead, as you cant survive without milk nor food.

EDIT:

Inca Total War:You have two cows. both are sacrificed for the Aztecan Gods. Gods wont return the cows.


Mount&Blade:You have two cows. You sell the milk in Zendar, but when you came back the cows isnt there!

the .Org:You have 1 cow per post. Then TosaInu deletes every post of you and you dont have then anymore!

Nintendo: You have two cows. One only likes puzzle games, the other only likes party games and tech demos. Both print money, however.

Sony: You have two cows and a calf. One cow is too expensive for normal farmers, and the milk is spoiled, so you just milk the older, more reliable cow. Nobody likes the calf, but you're upgrading it anyway.

Microsoft: You have one cow, and you must pay a monthly fee for your cow to compete with other cows in a milking contest.

Belgium You too have cows. Two. Cows. Hello? Anyone???

England: You have 2 cows, there both BLOODY MAD

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Moros

Backroom: You have two cows. One is Liberal the other is Republican. Ten posts later, you have 0 cows, but 4 warningpoints.

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:laugh4:

Britain - you have 2 cows, they both catch foot and mouth disease and for the second time in a decade your agricultural market goes down the drain.

Kekvit Irae - gb2b with your canadian milk in a bag ;)

Texas-You have 2 cows.....what happend to the other 400?

Alabama: You have two cows which turn into raging bulls during the Iron Bowl game.

University of Alabama: You have two cows. Both of them are on probation and cannot leave the state.

Auburn University: You have two cows. A single win in a milking contest is considered a winning streak.

The Matrix: You have two cows. This is your last chance. After this, there is no turning back. You milk the blue cow - the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You milk the red cow - you stay in Wonderland and I show you how deep the rabbit-hole goes.

EXISTENTIALISM
You have two cows. Your cows represent providers of absolute necessities for survival (milk, beef, leather) in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.

EVOLUTION
You have two cows. Both cows are very distant cousins of yours.

BIG BANG THEORY
You have no cows. Billions of dust particles collide. BANG! You have two cows.

CAPITALISM
You don't have any cows. The bank will not lend you money to buy cows, because you don't have any cows to put up as collateral.

PURE DEMOCRACY
You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY
You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

Starcraft: You have 1 farm, 1 farmer and 4 sheep, you tell your cows to harvest more minerals, you tell the farm to build another sheep, you send your farmer too look for the nearest enemy farm, you reapet this until you have 10 cows, you tell a sheep to morph into a ranch, which allows you to make rabid cows, you tell your sheep to harvest minerals and morph into more farms, and you tell you farms to make cows and zerglings, you 32 sheep, 10 farmers, and 64 cows, you tell your cows to attack, they over run the other farm and move on the crack house, the steroid & speed addict destroy all your 64 cows, you now have 4 cows, the 75 addicts destroy your base and GG

James Bond: You have 007 cows

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Garcilaso de la Vega el Inca

James Bond: You have 007 cows

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:laugh4:

Arthur Dent: You have 42 cows. They turn into a bowl of petunias and crash to the planet's surface.

Western Washington: You have two cows. They both get trenchfoot from the constant rain and die.

Eastern Washington: You have two cows. There is no water, so they die of thirst.

Vancouver BC: You have two cows. They are worthless because they're always high.

Crazed Rabbit

Napoleon Dynamite:
You have two cows, one has a 5th nipple and the other gets shot in the head by an old farmer.

WW2 FPS:
You have two cows, they were both killed by artillery and will make for really good cover.

Star Wars:
You have two cows, one is cut open for warmth and the other is transport.

NASA:
You have two cows, one to test till it dies on the Earth and the other to send over the moon.

Dennis Leary:
You have two cows, one is the Great Cow Guru (cow satan), and the other will fight for bovine freedom while it holds it large head high.

E-bay: you have two cows - one doesn't reach it's 99p reserve price, the other one sells, but the buyer leaves you negative feedback because the milk doesn't come in bottles

Dogbert on Fairness: You have two cows, he has two cows, you trade cows. You end up with three cows.
England: You have two cows. They now have Mad Cow Disease.
Ireland: You have two cows. You sell them for booze.
New Zealand: You have two cows. Now you're sad because you can't **** them.
Asia: You have two cows. You sell them for 10 dogs and eat heartily tonight.
JMarat: You have two cows. One is a pretentious wiener dog and the other stabbed itself in the eye with a rusty fishhook.
Mastercard: You have two cows. You add one cow - $1500. You buy an enclosure - $10000. You light their farts - Priceless.

You have 2 cows.
One dies from lack of real food;
You force feed the second cow the remains of the first in an effort to fill the space two cows would occupy

I'm fairly sure that this thread is old enough that the two cows are dead by now.

This thing's still boviating about two cows? What an udder waste of time. Well, keep milking it as long as it behooves you.

ETW - You have two cows. One is transported in an Indiaman to the coast of Brazil, but returns no profit in your trade tab. The other waits in a Tenanted Farm because nobody would trade you the Clearances tech even for five military techs in return.

OK, I'll bite...

I have two cows... I sell one for beer money and turn the other into BBQ. :cool3:

darn! this is so funny! how can I possibly compete?:laugh4::laugh4:

Binary:

You have 10 cows.

well, here are my humble contributions (note: I give these, because honestly, that's all on my mind after a week's worth of online quizzing-I heard rumors that is was supposed to be sping break, but I don't believe them):

Jurassic park: you have two cows. two go in, glibs come out.

Statistics: you have 2 cows because you failed the quiz because of physics and chemistry quizzes*...

Physics: you have two cows. one hits the other, causing an equal and opposite reaction to the hit.

chemistry: you hae two cows; each is the opposite of the other. so you mix them to produce a suitable equilibrium:clown:

Evil dead: you have two cows; one is taken by a candarian demon and destroyed by Ash, the other is sent back through time to land in a well full of deadites. either way, its sucks to be them. ( I did my quizzes while listening to the Evil dead: the musical on youtube)



*actually, I forgot the online quiz, because I was too focused on physics and chemistry. also I had a lot of work to do with bio I and errands for my mom. now to explain that to who I am sure is a pissed off teacher:juggle2:

Quote:

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Originally Posted by shlin28

Binary:

You have 10 cows. You remain celibate for the rest of your life because you're a complete dork who uses computer code to figure out how to farm

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Fixed.

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

Also, no insult meant to binary freaks or shlin.

Stalin Quote (kinda): You have two cows. If one of them dies, it is a tragedy. Both of them dying is a statistic.

Mount and Blade : You have no cows, your village has no cows. You village's neighboring villages have no cows. So you waste days to bring two cows across hundreds of miles to get +5 relation with your village. :sweatdrop:

Askthepizzaguy on Medieval II Total War:

You have two cows. Both of them produce abysmal amounts of milk per turn. You decide to send your entire family on a crusade to capture as many cows as possible. You are outnumbered by cows, but the AI is too incompetent to stampede you. You end up owning 106 cows in 23 turns.


Then Grog beats your record and you are upset. :clown:

US House of Representatives:

You got 2 cows as a retention bonus. You can keep the left-rear haunch (10%) of one of them; the rest goes back to the taxpayer, you greedy cow-capitalist!!

Just thought of another one (forgive me if this subject has been used):

Zimbabwe: You have 150,000 cows, but unfortunately they are the size of dust mites. Experts estimate it would take upwards of 300 trillion of them to equal the output of the average cow. You decide you would rather just drink your own pee and eat some sand.

Lowland Scotland: You have two cows. You sell one for Buckfast, and then make the other one drink the Buckfast, and put it on rollerskates.
Highland Scotland: You have two cows. :eyebrows:

Cajun:


Your name is Clovis Leblanc. You have 1 cow. Theoretically you should have 2, but because of some disagreement between your state government and the federal government you will never receive your second cow. The one cow you have speaks archaic dialects of various languages that no other cows seem to understand.

Because of a game of bouré that got out of hand, you put that cow on the side of the road to sell.

Your cousin Pierre Mouton sees the cow and offers to buy it.

You say, " 'Tit Pierre, I cannot sell you dat cow. She don't look so good."

He replies, "Clovis, you crazy, dat cow looks just fine to me."

You reply further, "Pierre, I'm gonna tell, dat cow don't look so good."

Pierre then says insistently, "Now Clovis! I say dat cow looks fine! You may be my cousin's husband, but you ain't no good if you don't take my money. Now, sell me dat cow."

You shrug, "A'right Pierre, but I warned you... She don't look so good."

You sell your cow to Pierre Mouton, your wife's cousin, twice removed.

...

You then take the money and buy some pigs, which taste better than cows anyway.

...

A week later Pierre comes back mad as heck:

"Clovis! What are you doin' selling me a blind cow!!!!"

You shrug, "I warned you Pierre: She don't look so good."

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Reverend Joe

Zimbabwe: You have 150,000 cows, but unfortunately they are the size of dust mites. Experts estimate it would take upwards of 300 trillion of them to equal the output of the average cow. You decide you would rather just drink your own pee and eat some sand.

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HAHAHA. :yes:

You're a mathematician. You have two cows; both of them are spherical.

You're an engineer. You have two cows; their guts are all perfectly mixed.

CR

SNP: You have two cows. One will make prime Aberdeen Angus, the other is imported. Why can't they just get along? "one Scotland, many cows" becomes your campaign slogan.
New Labour: You have two cows. One is used to pay for a local MP's HD TV. The other covers the bureaucratic costs of registering the two cows.
Conservatives: You have two cows. You do nothing.
Liberal Democrats: You have two cows. You feel their animal rights are being infringed, and so you trade them with Greenpeace for their weight in tofu, then go to protest about airport expansion.

http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/Two_cows

/thread

You own two cows. In Soviet Russia the cows own you!

R:TW(From the site): You have two cows. You set them on fire and send them running towards the enemy elephants to make them stampede and run away from your army. They stampede into your army anyway and kill half your troops

i have a great one, but its backroom material.

Total War Series

One cow builds up a huge army and attacks the other cow. They both die from computer lag

Metallica, back when they had Newstead: You had a cow. It died in a crash. Even though the cow's milk wasn't that good, you'll never shut up about him. Also, the cow you got to replace the dead one is shit to you and your customers forevermore.

Metallica now: You have one living cow. You kick him out. The next one crab walks.

Marriage: you had two cows. They are hers now.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Feanaro

Metallica, back when they had Newstead: You had a cow. It died in a crash. Even though the cow's milk wasn't that good, you'll never shut up about him. Also, the cow you got to replace the dead one is shit to you and your customers forevermore.

Metallica now: You have one living cow. You kick him out. The next one crab walks.

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Interesting concept... :laugh4:

Allow me to try...

Rolling Stones economics: You have two cows. They hate you because you can't produce milk yourself. Eventually they tell you to **** off and produce milk by themselves. You die alone in a swimming pool and the two cows become milkmaking superstars.