You have two cows...

**Askthepizzaguy** · 03-23-2009, 15:15

Askthepizzaguy on Medieval II Total War:

You have two cows. Both of them produce abysmal amounts of milk per turn. You decide to send your entire family on a crusade to capture as many cows as possible. You are outnumbered by cows, but the AI is too incompetent to stampede you. You end up owning 106 cows in 23 turns.

Then Grog beats your record and you are upset.

**KukriKhan** · 03-23-2009, 15:15

US House of Representatives:

You got 2 cows as a retention bonus. You can keep the left-rear haunch (10%) of one of them; the rest goes back to the taxpayer, you greedy cow-capitalist!!

**Reverend Joe** · 03-23-2009, 15:20

Just thought of another one (forgive me if this subject has been used):

Zimbabwe: You have 150,000 cows, but unfortunately they are the size of dust mites. Experts estimate it would take upwards of 300 trillion of them to equal the output of the average cow. You decide you would rather just drink your own pee and eat some sand.

**Rhyfelwyr** · 03-23-2009, 17:27

Lowland Scotland: You have two cows. You sell one for Buckfast, and then make the other one drink the Buckfast, and put it on rollerskates.
Highland Scotland: You have two cows.

**Yoyoma1910** · 03-28-2009, 22:27

Cajun:

Your name is Clovis Leblanc. You have 1 cow. Theoretically you should have 2, but because of some disagreement between your state government and the federal government you will never receive your second cow. The one cow you have speaks archaic dialects of various languages that no other cows seem to understand.

Because of a game of bouré that got out of hand, you put that cow on the side of the road to sell.

Your cousin Pierre Mouton sees the cow and offers to buy it.

You say, " 'Tit Pierre, I cannot sell you dat cow. She don't look so good."

He replies, "Clovis, you crazy, dat cow looks just fine to me."

You reply further, "Pierre, I'm gonna tell, dat cow don't look so good."

Pierre then says insistently, "Now Clovis! I say dat cow looks fine! You may be my cousin's husband, but you ain't no good if you don't take my money. Now, sell me dat cow."

You shrug, "A'right Pierre, but I warned you... She don't look so good."

You sell your cow to Pierre Mouton, your wife's cousin, twice removed.

...

You then take the money and buy some pigs, which taste better than cows anyway.

...

A week later Pierre comes back mad as heck:

"Clovis! What are you doin' selling me a blind cow!!!!"

You shrug, "I warned you Pierre: She don't look so good."

**Jolt** · 03-28-2009, 22:31

Originally Posted by Reverend Joe

Zimbabwe: You have 150,000 cows, but unfortunately they are the size of dust mites. Experts estimate it would take upwards of 300 trillion of them to equal the output of the average cow. You decide you would rather just drink your own pee and eat some sand.

HAHAHA.

**Crazed Rabbit** · 03-28-2009, 22:55

You're a mathematician. You have two cows; both of them are spherical.

You're an engineer. You have two cows; their guts are all perfectly mixed.

CR

**Rhyfelwyr** · 03-28-2009, 23:06

SNP: You have two cows. One will make prime Aberdeen Angus, the other is imported. Why can't they just get along? "one Scotland, many cows" becomes your campaign slogan.
New Labour: You have two cows. One is used to pay for a local MP's HD TV. The other covers the bureaucratic costs of registering the two cows.
Conservatives: You have two cows. You do nothing.
Liberal Democrats: You have two cows. You feel their animal rights are being infringed, and so you trade them with Greenpeace for their weight in tofu, then go to protest about airport expansion.

**Subotan** · 03-29-2009, 01:05

http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/Two_cows

/thread

**Caius** · 03-29-2009, 20:42

You own two cows. In Soviet Russia the cows own you!

R:TW(From the site): You have two cows. You set them on fire and send them running towards the enemy elephants to make them stampede and run away from your army. They stampede into your army anyway and kill half your troops

**Hooahguy** · 03-30-2009, 03:03

i have a great one, but its backroom material.

**Subotan** · 03-30-2009, 17:26

Total War Series

One cow builds up a huge army and attacks the other cow. They both die from computer lag

**Feanaro** · 03-31-2009, 05:20

Metallica, back when they had Newstead: You had a cow. It died in a crash. Even though the cow's milk wasn't that good, you'll never shut up about him. Also, the cow you got to replace the dead one is shit to you and your customers forevermore.

Metallica now: You have one living cow. You kick him out. The next one crab walks.

Marriage: you had two cows. They are hers now.

**Reverend Joe** · 03-31-2009, 18:30

Originally Posted by Feanaro

Metallica, back when they had Newstead: You had a cow. It died in a crash. Even though the cow's milk wasn't that good, you'll never shut up about him. Also, the cow you got to replace the dead one is shit to you and your customers forevermore.

Metallica now: You have one living cow. You kick him out. The next one crab walks.

Interesting concept...

Allow me to try...

Rolling Stones economics: You have two cows. They hate you because you can't produce milk yourself. Eventually they tell you to **** off and produce milk by themselves. You die alone in a swimming pool and the two cows become milkmaking superstars.