Manliest Name Poll: Finals

[Askthepizzaguy]

Here are the manliest names, in order of least manly to the most manly:

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4. Wolfman Beerworth
Wolves are tough, for sure... but you can usually hack your way through them with a butter knife while strangling three of them in one hand.

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3. John Wayne
He's a man's man, but he usually goes down after you shoot him in the face a couple hundred times.

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2. Staff Sergeant Max Fightmaster
He's 8 feet tall and 700 pounds of ripped, hairy, gorilla-man. He once got into a fight with Bigfoot, and broke off Bigfoot's foot and ate it, and then ripped off his own foot, beat the snot out of Bigfoot with it, and then surgically reattached his own foot to his leg using nothing more than a paper clip and a shoelace. He is the reason that entire nations starve, because he personally steals all their crops and eats them on purpose, and then spends the next 7 weeks on the pushing raw, unadulterated, all-American FREEDOM out like soft-serve ice cream.

It doesn't get much manlier than this; but there's one man who trumps them all.

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1. Beefy187

He has the horns of a bull welded to his own skull, which he tore off the bull himself and spot-welded the bones together without using painkillers. He wears a beard made entirely out of killer bees, and when he speaks, it causes all life within a 300-mile radius to suddenly die of fright. He carved a life-size replica of the Grand Canyon into his own leg. He swings elephants around by their trunks, and carries glaciers over to active volcanoes and drops them inside to save the poor island villagers below from the dangerous magma. He wears a size 49 boot, and the last time he gave a good sneeze, he wiped out all the dinosaurs, or at least most of them, and ran over the rest of them with his truck. He eats nails just to get his daily recommended iron, and he is secretly the father of everyone in the state of California, and that was after only one weekend in Los Angeles. His eyelash caused the Mariana Trench to form in the Pacific Ocean. When he gets hungry, he summons Godzilla and bites his head off, and tosses his lifeless body back into the ocean. He personally repelled the Borg Collective using only a gallon of whiskey and a two-by-four with a nail in it. He went back in time and convinced Hitler to kill himself using a thumbtack and a lot of persistence, and caught it all on tape and sent it in to Funniest Home Videos. He dug up Napoleon's body just to punch him in the jaw and sent the shattered pieces into orbit. He stared at the Tethys Ocean until it spontaneously disappeared in terror. He created the Himalayan mountain range with a plastic picnic spoon and a lot of patience. When he wants a sauna, he drills to the center of the Earth and floats around for a few million years. He can cause the stars to literally fall out of the sky, in defiance of the laws of physics. He also once saw a potato chip which looked like Herbert Hoover, and ate it anyway. He likes kittens, haiku poetry, and slow dancing in the rain. He is likened to Alexander the Great, Genghis Khan, and Thor, but these weaklings are pathetic by comparison. His image graces the currency of 47 countries, and sometimes he eats galaxies just to see what they taste like.